I don't really know.

I don't really know what I'm doing and I don't really know what I want.

For lots of reasons, I'm very unsure of everything right now.

Also, I wish I could get some damn sleep. Several nights recently it's taken me literally three hours to fall asleep, but 90 minutes to two hours is more normal.

I feel like this is a particularly low point in my life.

I need to figure a lot of things out.

Blah blah blah

I'm so boring.

The other night it literally took me 3 1/2 hours to fall asleep.

I need to stop procrastinating.

I have to write a three-page memoir for English. I'm too boring for memoirs.

I'm killing time until Computer Science at noon.

Mostly I'm looking forward to going home and taking a nap.

I'm wearing a really comfy sweatshirt right now.

A guy just walked into the IACC with some sort of weird hat.

I feel weird and like I'm wasting a lot of time.

It'd be nice if I weren't lacking in motivation so much.

Some days I'd almost rather be a bum than live at home. It's so frustrating.

I'm probably going to be the worst computer programmer ever.

I should probably just give up and change my major.

My eyes are all glazed over.

I'm so goddamn sick of "BTM"! If you don't know what that is, I'm not explaining it... XD

I feel like taking a nap, but I don't really like napping in public places.

Green looks kind of good on me.

I'm running out of random thoughts to write.

This is a lot easier than writing an actual entry.

ANGST.

I'm in the IACC right now....waiting for my class at noon. Everyone in here seems to be sleeping or something.

I have been so angsty lately. It's a little ridiculous.

People just make me angsty...
Like, all of my friends come to me with their problems all at once, and it gets to me after a little while. I like listening (and honestly, I like knowing everything) and helping, but sometimes it gets a bit stressful...and irritating when I know that some of those people probably wouldn't want to return the favor if I wanted to talk for any period of time.

There are just so many self-absorbed people, and it's getting a little (who am I kidding? A LOT) tiresome.

I need to stop letting everything bug me. I've been so irritated lately ("lately" = the past week or more). Certain people just need to stop.

I'm also a little bored...not bored with life, just bored with myself. I haven't really changed at all in a while. Maybe that's why.

It was a really good idea getting one hour of sleep last night.
I can't wait until this class is over and I can go home and sleep. :]

EXCITED ABOUT MY FUTURE CAREER

Lately at night when I can't sleep, I've been thinking of ideas for new and innovative software.
It's a lot more productive than what I usually think about.

I'm just so excited about computers!

Every once in a while when I use one, I just get so excited.
They've come so far!
It's hard to wrap my mind around it, but it's just so fascinating.

I love programming so far.
It's going to be really rewarding once I learn more about it and get better at it.

That's all I have to say.
;D

I just love computers.

"The College Experience"

Lately I've just been feeling really weird...

I feel like maybe I'm missing out on some things, but then again I'm not interested in any of the things that I'm possibly missing out on.
A lot of what's supposedly the "college experience" does not appeal to me, but I wonder if I should try harder to do some of the things that are expected or routine.

I really really wanted to live off-campus, and I still do so I'm happy with my decision, but sometimes I wonder if I should've lived on-campus. Maybe I'd know more people by now, but maybe not. I really would not enjoy living on-campus for a lot of reasons/personal preferences, so ultimately I'm happy with my decision, but I don't know.

I've joined a couple of clubs, but I don't know how active I'll be in them. Going to meetings alone makes me really nervous.

I'm just really unsure right now. College has turned me into kind of a lonely person. I don't really feel lonely, but I probably seem lonely...if that makes sense.

Making friends was not and is not at the top of my list of priorities regarding college. I didn't apply and pay for it so I could sit around and socialize.
I just wonder if I'll ever make any friends.
Maybe it'll get better soon...after it doesn't feel like the beginning of a new year.

It was a sad day when I had the really profound epiphany that college is still school.

I just need to get into a better frame of mind.

On a happier note, my classes are going well. I'm keeping up and doing well. I just need to put forth a little more effort in math and I should be good.

I just feel weird and stressed...about a lot of things. School is only one thing that's contributing to my stress and weird feelings.
I should probably just get over some of it, but other things are out of my control. I guess I should just suck it up.
I'm just really devoid of all energy, and all of this stuff with my dad is just neverending and I'm so sick of dealing with it. I just want him to come home and be healthy and normal, but to be honest and realistic, he probably won't ever be, and it's depressing to have a dad who's practically an invalid. It's depressing for him too, don't get me wrong. This isn't all about me.

Lately I have just had too much stress and not enough sleep.
I need to find a better way to deal with things.
I also need to quit complaining, so I'll end this blog here.

My first week of college...

My first week went surprisingly well.
I shouldn't have been so ridiculously stressed out, to be honest, but that's just how I am.
Overall it's been really cool...and I like college a lot more than high school.

All of my classes have been fine. I haven't really made any awful noob mistakes yet either.

I love my computer science professor. He's so cool. I also have him for the first year experience class that I have to take, which makes that class less painful.
Basically, I just love the computer science department a lot so far....all of the faculty I've met, the people in the program, etc. It's exactly what I wanted.

There is only one thing that I'm worried about right now, and that's making friends.
I'm sure I've already beaten this subject to death, but it's been stressing me out.
I don't feel the need to always be surrounded by people, so I'm not looking to make an entire group of friends.
It'd just be nice to have a couple of people to talk to. That's all I'm looking for.
I've always been an introverted person and I've always valued my alone time, but I do like to have some close companions as well.
We'll see though.
I won't stress out too much -- it's only been a week.
I'll probably meet people through band and computer science and stuff.
It should be fine.

Hopefully the second week of college will be just as good! ;)

First day of college classes...

I survived the first day, and it actually went fairly well.

I only had Computer Science for ten minutes, though.
Tuesdays and Thursdays are computer lab days in that class, and we obviously had nothing to work on, so he let us go early after a quick introduction.

After that, I hung out with Dezi and played some Left 4 Dead, which was enjoyable.

Then I ran into Josh and went to pre-calc, which was fine...but I doubt it'll be fine for much longer!

After that I walked home and then went up to the hospital and to OfficeMax with my mom.

Finally I returned to campus to go to psych, which was great! It's 2 1/2 hours long, but it does not feel that long. It's a big class of 300+ students, which I like, and it's interesting. The professor is really cool.

Tomorrow I have English 120 (8 AM!!!!!), pre-calc, computer science, and the first year experience class.

I'm a little less nervous now.

It's kind of fun, actually.

AHHHHHHH

I have my first college class in SEVEN HOURS!

AHHHHHH.

My day will include Computer Science I, Pre-calc, and Intro to Psychology.

AHHHHHH!!!!

Two days left...

It's Sunday now, so I have two days left of summer...

I guess this is the part where I talk about how I should make the most of it and how I'm excited for this new chapter in my life and blah blah blah, but I'm not. I'm not going to say any of that, because I don't feel that way.

Honestly? I'll probably waste the last two days of my summer by not doing anything overly remarkable or productive.

Honestly? I'm not excited for this new 'chapter' of my life, this new beginning...and all of those other cliches you can think of. I'm not excited at all. I'm nervous, anxious, stressed, and really dreading it. I know that's totally and completely the wrong attitude to have, but that's just how I feel right now. I'm just flat-out not looking forward to it.

The last few weeks of summer have been really terrible for me, so I feel a little cheated. I want more summer. I want a break, but I certainly won't be getting one anytime soon, what with school right around the corner.

But I'll stop complaining.
I just had a particularly bad day. They've all been bad for the most part lately, but this one just kind of sticks out.

I'll try to fix my attitude and I'll try to enjoy these last two days. There's not much else I can do.

Stressed..

School is approaching, and I'm stressing out quite a lot.
There have been a lot of stressful things going on lately, though, and not all of them have to do with school.
I'm not going to get into major details here because I don't really want to or feel the need to, but my dad's been in the hospital for two weeks now. He was originally there to have surgery to remove the cancer, but there have been tons and tons of complications and daily setbacks. It's getting really tiring and it's ridiculously taxing...for everyone.

School starts very soon, though.
I've gotten almost all of my textbooks. I just have to get another math book and they'll be in on the 25th, so I'll go get it before going to my first class.

I'm worried about being around so many people that I don't know.
One good thing about high school was the high level of comfort. Sure, you probably hated most of the people you were around...but at least they were familiar faces, and at least you had someone you could work with in every class if the occasion arose.
I'll know a lot of people at NDSU. Or, at least, right now it seems like I know a good number of people. However, when you put it into perspective, there are over 13,000 students going there, and I don't even know 1,000 of them...or 500...or 250....and who says that the people I know will EVER have a class with me?

I'm just worried...very, very worried.
I don't know how I've managed to make so many friends over the years, since I'm really pathetic when it comes to meeting people.
Honestly, I've met about 1/2 to 3/4 of my friends through JCL, and somehow that has been relatively easy.
I'm going to feel so lost without the JCL or my Latin class to be there for me every day. It'll be so weird. Yeah, sure, I'm in SCL now, but it's totally different. I'm away from Volk, the friendly and familiar faces of my Latin class, and most of my friends from the JCL. It scares me. It really does.

I don't know how I'm going to make friends or meet people. Everything I have to do in college will be out of my comfort zone, and I'm just...worried. I'm worried that I won't do enough or meet enough people.
I have a very hard time making friends and meeting people if I don't have someone by my side to do the majority of the initial talking. That's just how I am.
Either I'm going to have to really step it up, or I'm just not going to bother and I'll HOPEFULLY just throw myself into my homework and studying.

I want to do really well in college.
I've already set forth a bunch of academic goals that I'd like to achieve.
I'm afraid of getting lazy. I'd like to think that paying for my education is enough to motivate me to work as hard as I can, but I still have a small sense of doubt.
I hope that I don't waste my time/money or anyone else's.
A lot of my classes are going to be challenging. The computer and math classes will be hard, and I'm hoping that I'll have enough of a drive to succeed and flourish.
I used to be a ridiculously crazy overachiever, and I'm hoping that I can go back to that. I'm hoping that I can stop procrastinating and just doing the bare minimum and just scraping by.
I really want to do well.
Some of these classes are really intimidating, though.
I just hope that I can do it.
I do have a passion for computers, and I'm hoping that this passion is strong enough.
If I end up changing my major -- which I don't want to do at this point -- it'll probably be to biology or psychology. I can't see myself doing anything but those or computers.
I just hope that I can handle computer science.

I start classes on the 25th. I'll have Computer Science, Pre-Calc, and Intro to Psychology.
I hope I can handle it.

Nationals, California, & swine flu!!!

I got back from Nationals on Sunday afternoon.
It was absolutely amazing!
I'd have to say that it's my second favorite convention. Tennessee is still my favorite, but California is a close second. It was SO good.
At first I was a little worried because the first day of being in California was really hellish, but now I realize that it was because I wasn't used to the 100-degree weather...and I'd been up for two days straight. We were all a little delirious.

Convention was epic and wonderful.
The only problem is that it went by far too quickly.
It was so much fun. I want to go back. :(

I put together a little list of the memories so I can look back on them and smile...

• The walks back from fellowship every night with Schneider
• "I'm not a bad guy"
• "I think I might be a rebel"
• "Why you breakin' mah FAN?!?!"
• "BACK TO ME!"
• "You can't just quit Big Booty that quickly!"
• "Hawwwwwwwwwt"
• "Are those like...clouds or something? Smog?"
• "I HATE that other guy running for historian...but the guy who plays the sax, he's cool."
• "Speak your peace!"
• "Ice cream ur doin it rong"
• "Vivemus et amamus, mea Meister"
• "Jacob Meister, Sarbajeet, Lindsay Barleycorn"
• "He is BRILLIANT."
• Winnie the Pooh
• "Check it."
• "P is for Party, A is for All night long, R is for Right now, T is for Take it slow, Y is for whY not!"
• "Guacamole, cinnamon twist!"
• Big Booty<3
• "How goes the cookin'?"
• Couple of dudes!

If any of you think of any to add, I'll certainly update the list. ;D

After convention, we went to San Francisco, which was EPIC.
At first we stayed with the group and went to the Fisherman's Wharf and the chocolate place, but then I went off with Jared, Laura, and Andrew. We used subways and buses and stuff and it was really fun just wandering around.
The highlights of our adventure included Chinatown, Castro, and OMG...HAIGHT-ASHBURY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so excited. I'd been wanting to go there for years!!! Ahh, it was everything that I'd hoped. :) Amazing. I MUST go back. LOVE IT. LOVE the hippies!!!

It felt good to get home, though, because after San Francisco, my body was just dead. I stayed up for two days straight again...and with sore legs! I'm okay now though.

I started getting sick on the day that we returned, and it has been getting worse ever since then.
We got an email from someone at the JCL saying that someone contracted swine flu/H1N1 at convention.
I had/have all of the symptoms, so Dard called the hospital and explained the situation and my symptoms to them and they said that if I went in, they'd definitely diagnose me with swine flu. I didn't want to go in, so I'm going to take that as an official diagnosis. ;D
I'm actually glad that I have swine flu...and, well, that it's mild. I don't want to die. xD
It's cool though!
It'll be so sweet to be like, "yeah, I had swine flu. WUT"

All in all I had a fucking amazing trip.
I want to go backkkkkkkkk. =(
I can't wait another year for Nationals!!!!

School is coming up.
Classes start in like 20 days.
I'm super nervous.
I hope I get better soon so I can enjoy the rest of my summer.... D:

Time for NATIONALS!

AHHHHH, I'll be leaving to go to the airport in less than an hour!
I'm so pumped for Nationals!
I'm exhausted, though. I stayed up all night.
This is so exciting. I can't believe that it's finally time f0 NATZ.

I'm not really in the mood to deal with security.
It's not that bad, I guess...but it's tedious and annoying.
I just know that I'll run into some sort of lame issue like I did the last time I flew.
I'm just carrying my laptop on and having my wallet, phone, and camera in my pockets, and I'm checking one bag.
Ahhh.
I haven't flown in a year. I'm kind of excited to see some new airports, especially with some good friends!
I hope I'm not stuck next to freaks on the planes...
AHHHHHHH WHATEVER.
It'll be great. It always is.
SO PUMPED.

On another note, I had a surprisingly great birthday.
I'm happy.
My friends are lovely and amazing. I love them all!
I was expecting a bad day since I was less than thrilled about turning 18, but it was great. It was laidback and wonderful.
For the first time in a while I felt kind of...I don't know...appreciated. =)
I still don't understand why people like me, but they do and it makes me happy. I'm not going to question it. :)

Ahhh I'm so ready for this.
A week away from reality.
YES! =)
SEE YOU IN A WEEK!!!!!!!

California knows how to party

In a couple of days I will be in California for NATIONALS!
Ahhh, I'm so excited to have a week long break from reality/life...and Fargo...and my house. There aren't really any problems, but it's always so tense and stressful at my house these days. It'll be nice to get away.
I can't wait.
It'll be really good. I just know it.
I'm going to get started on my packing early so I'm not running around at the last minute trying to get things ready....like I always do.
My parents have paid for a lot of it and that makes me feel bad.

I'll be 18 in a day.
I'm not thrilled about that.
There's just something about 'eighteen' that feels so damn old.
Jumping from 17 to 18 seems so huge even though it's obviously only a year.
I'd rather stay 17 even though I hate the number 7.
Oh well.
There's no sense in complaining about things which one has no control over.

Josh gave me Prototype for the 360 today! I really appreciated that! It looks like such a sweet game. I'll have to try to play it before I leave, but if I don't, it'll be one of the first things I do when I get home! =D

There's only about a month left of summer. It has gone by so quickly. I do not like that.

I renewed my permit the other day, ahahahaha.
Honestly though. I don't care. I don't have much of a use for a license. I live close to campus and I don't have the desire to go a lot of places by myself. If I do, I'll walk or take the bus. Basically everything else I do is with friends, and I'm sure they'd rather drive than have me drive anyway because I'm a horrible, self-conscious driver. I'm truly terrible. It's embarrassing. I never thought that I'd ever be this awful.
These days it's just funny that I still only have my permit. I'm almost 18 and I still have my permit and I'm totally cool with that. I'm perfectly comfortable with using other modes of transportation. I don't ask or expect other people to drive me around, so it's not like my lack of a license really hinders anyone anyway.
Driving stresses me out more than I can even express. It scares me to death and I hate it. It's not hard and I know how to do it, but it just genuinely freaks me out. I despise it.
I'm sure I'll eventually get my license, but I'm in no rush right now.

I have been in the strangest mood for the past week or more.
I just feel odd all of the time. It's not necessarily in a bad or a good way. It's just...weird. I don't get it.
I've been flying off the handle a bit lately too. I have such a bad temper. You'd never realize it because I'm really calm and seemingly tolerant when I'm around people, but man, I have the worst temper. Every little thing pisses me off until I just explode when I get home. I hold it all in until I get back to the privacy of my own home.

I think that there are a lot of things that I do or think or feel when I'm alone to my thoughts that would surprise people who know me or see me. I mean, I've shared some things with some of my friends, but I think that it's probably still difficult to imagine me doing such things.
I think that I come off as a fairly level-headed, laidback, logical, rational sort of person. Maybe I'm really off on that, but I think that's how I carry myself out in public. Subdued, quiet, and logical. However, I do some of the dumbest, most illogical, and often impulsive things behind closed doors. It's a little ridiculous.
Today I was told that something that I do is disturbing. I'd never thought of it in that way, but maybe it is. Hmm.
I can never talk about things in person. I am so timid and soft-spoken that I can never speak up and talk about things, even when I'm asked...which I was today. I just find it really uncomfortable and I don't want to make others feel uncomfortable and I don't want to put a damper on the mood, so I keep my mouth shut.
Maybe I should say more.
I don't know.
It's just comfortable for me to avoid questions and to change subjects.
I'm not proud of who I am or what I do. In fact I'm rather ashamed of myself most of the time. I don't like acknowledging that.

I haven't been quite as depressed lately, which is good... I've just been feeling very odd, as I said before. It's weird in that I can't tell if it's good or bad.
I've felt really hopeless though.

Oh well.
It'll be nice to get all of this shit off of my mind for a week.
NATIONALS!
=)

HARRY POTTER 6 =O

I saw HP6 at midnight!!
Even though I was pissed about them changing the release date from November '08 to July '09, it was definitely worth the wait!!! AHHH.

Standing in line for an hour wasn't overly thrilling, and we were surrounded by really weird people, but I guess that was to be expected.

Bitches didn't start the movie 'til like 12:20 or so because of long lines at the concession stands, I guess. But oh well, it wasn't a big deal...especially since they didn't show too many shitty commercials and the previews were relatively short for the most part.

Overall it was a really awesome movie...very well-written and well-acted (Malfoy was great!!!!). It was visually pleasing too. It just looked cool. Also, it had a fantastic balance of hilarious, sad, dramatic, moving, and intense moments. I laughed a lot and also cried. XD

Sure, they left some things out and changed others, but whatever. I never get upset over that because I treat the books and movies differently.

Rupert Grint was really sexy and cool, and I was glad that they returned to having a good Ron character again. The Ron character in the 5th movie was horribly written, if you ask me.

It might be my new favorite HP movie, but I'm still partial to the third one...so probably not.

I loved it!!!!!!!
=D

OVERWHELMED.

Ahhhhhhh, so I had orientation.
It was okay. It went better than I'd expected. At least I had Alec and Dezi with me for a lot of it.
There were some boring parts, but it was good.
I started to feel really overwhelmed and unsure by the end of it, though.

There were certain things that were kind of funny though.
I liked all of the Computer Science guys. They were hilarious.
There was one super tall freak (I'm talking 6'7''...), one who talked to himself all throughout registration, one who had a severely sunburned neck, etc.
So entertaining.
I will enjoy them.
I also enjoyed being informed that so far I'm the only female (who's gone through orientation yet) going into Computer Science....not.
It doesn't really matter, but it'll be WEIRD.
I just want to go about my business and learn some computer shit. xD I don't want people to think that I'm trying to make some big feminist statement.
I'm just there because I love computers....srsly. That's it.

I like how I'm in the College of Science & Mathematics and I'm absolutely math-retarded. Like, it's appalling how horrible I am. I really am terrible.
MATH. It WILL be my downfall, no doubt.
I have to take too much nasty MATH and related subjects for my major, like Calc I, Calc II, Discrete Mathematics, Probability, and Statistics. WTF. W.T.F.
Why did I think that Computer Science was such an excellent idea?
I'm an idiot and a slacker.
I don't see this turning out well, but I guess school hasn't even started yet, so...
I should probably just calm down.

I'm pretty okay with my schedule so far.. I guess it's tentative, but I'm pretty sure that this is how it'll be..

Mondays: English 120 (8:00-8:50 AM), Pre-Calc (10:00-10:50 AM), and Computer Science I (12:00-12:50 PM).

Tuesdays: Computer Science I (12:00-12:50 PM), Pre-Calc (3:00-3:50 PM), and Intro to Psych (6:00-8:30 PM).

Wednesdays: English 120 (8:00-8:50 AM), Pre-Calc (10:00-10:50 AM), Computer Science I (12:00-12:50 PM), and that University Studies required class (2:00-2:50 PM).

Thursdays: Computer Science I (12:00-12:50 PM) and Pre-Calc (3:00-3:50 PM).

Fridays: English 120 (8:00-8:50 AM), Pre-Calc (10:00-10:50 AM), Computer Science I (12:00-12:50 PM), and University Studies class (2:00-2:50 PM).

I think it'll be okay...
My classes are located mostly in the same sort of area, and I know what/where most of the buildings are already, so that really helps.
I don't have any classes right after another, which could be nice. I don't know.
I think it'll be fine...if I don't DIE in math or computer science...
Overall I'm neither dreading college nor looking forward to it.

I'm excited for all of the computer nerds, though, I have to admit... I only got a small taste of them at orientation. There were only like...6 or 7 other ones.
I'm especially excited for the University Studies class because I'm taking it with all Computer Science majors, so that should be a HOOT...a righteous HOOT!

I'm okay with staying in town now...for the most part.
Part of me still wants to be a Drexel Dragon, but whatever.
It'll be fine.
I'm still really stressed though...but I'll try to enjoy the rest of the summer, especially Harry Potter 6 and Nationals! They're coming up! x]

Today was a pretty bad day overall, though.
Sure, it was nice to see Alec for the first time in a while, and I mostly had a good time with Laura and Josh, but ughhhhhhh......I got so overwhelmed by the end of orientation, and then I returned home to some great news from my parents. I guess my dad has cancer. All in all...awesome day for sure.

I think I was acting pretty strangely tonight.
I'm like...ridiculously depressed, but it's different. It's really weird. I can't explain it. I don't actively feel like, "oh life sucks, I feel horrible, fuck this," but I'm just in a general majorly down mood. I doubt that really makes any sense, though...

Well.
That's about it.

Grrrrrrrr.......

It'd be really cool if I could actually fall asleep sometime.
That'd be nice.

Late-Night Revelations....

I've been sitting here listening to music and just thinking for a while.
It sounds so cliche and lame, but whatever.
It's actually been...really helpful.
I've come to some conclusions that I like.
They make me feel...okay.

In my last entry I was all concerned and regretful about telling people so much about myself.
I still feel like that, but eh, I'm getting over it.
It's fine. Whatever. I was trying out the whole 'open' thing. I tried it, didn't like it, and I'm learning from it.

My parents have been wanting me to 'seek help' a lot lately.
They really wanted me to go for it, but I've always been skeptical/nervous...not opposed, however.
I was really considering it for a while, mostly to make everyone else around me happier/relieved and because I thought that it might be a little interesting.

I've thought about it a lot tonight, though.
I'm not going to do it, and I'm pretty set in that.

I'm fine with how I am. It's just how I am. I've always been like this in a sense.
I'm alright. I'm not much of a threat to myself, and even if I am, what's it matter? It's my own personal problem that's no one else's business and no one else should get to have a say.

Right now I'm just feeling like...a lot (not all, but most) of my problems come from within and/or are rather self-inflicted.
It's, in a sense, my own doing, so I think that I should have to deal with fixing it (or not -- it's my choice) on my own.
If I want to make changes or "fix" myself, then I will.
If I don't want to, then I won't.
As long as I'm not a threat to anyone else, I don't see it as anyone else's business...and I don't even mean "business" in the sense that people are nosy or anything. I just mean that people shouldn't worry themselves over it.

I think that it's nice that my friends worry about me and care about me, I really do. You have no idea how much I appreciate that. I have some really ridiculously amazing friends. I truly appreciate everything that they've done for me.
However...
I really don't WANT them to worry.
I have everything under control.
I may go a little crazy sometimes or do things that seem like I'm out of control, but I'm not.
I have everything under control.
I'm fine.
The only person who should have to put up with my shit is myself.
No one else should have to worry or concern themselves with my stupid internal issues with myself. I have tons of them and the only person who can fix them is myself.
I've had some great conversations from people and my friends have given me great advice, but it doesn't actually help. I feel happier momentarily and I appreciate it, but it won't fix things. I hate to say that, but it's true.

Basically...
I just don't want people to worry.
I'm going to do what I'm going to do. I've always been like that anyway. I just want to make that clear.
I'm not going to accept any help because the only person who can fix whatever's wrong with me is myself.
Maybe I'll never fix it, or maybe I'll fix it tomorrow.
Who knows?
I just don't want anyone to worry or think about it.
I'll be fine.
Really.

Having some 'gretz

Summer has been good so far.
I miss Laura.
I've been having fun though.
Things have been okay I guess.

I'm really irritated with myself though.
I've had a lot of mopey days.
It's a bit ridiculous.
I'm getting tired of talking... just in general. I really am. I'd rather listen.
It takes a lot of energy to not speak, but sometimes I feel like my talk is all idle so I shouldn't be speaking anyway.

I really regret telling people my secrets.
My friends are great and all, but I just...really regret it.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
I feel so hopeless.

I graduated

Today was super busy, stressful, overwhelming, tedious, etc...but it also turned out to be really fun and enjoyable.

Everything leading up to graduation and to my open house was very stressful and I just wanted everything to be over.

The actual graduation ceremony was fine. I mean, it was about what I'd expected... I've been to the past three graduations for band, so there was really nothing new and there weren't any real surprises. The speeches were fine, the slideshow was good, etc. The only difference this year was that I was marching and that I got an envelope at the end.

Everyone says that if it doesn't hit you on your last day of high school that it'll hit you when you walk across the stage to receive your diploma. Well, it didn't hit me there either. It has yet to sink in that I am done with high school, North High, seeing the class of 2009, etc. Like, I realize all of this, but it just hasn't hit me yet. I don't think it'll hit me until the first day of college. Even though I have my diploma in an envelope on my desk next to me, I still feel like I'll be going back to North after the summer....just like I've been doing for the past few years. It's very strange.

My open house was actually rather successful, I'd say.
I was so worried that it'd be a big boring failure, but I think that it went pretty well. It seemed like people had fun and stuff...so that's good. It also seemed fairly well-attended, which made me happy. I was a little worried since there were tons of other open houses that day as well.
I really did have a lot of fun.
I stressed out way too much... Now all of my friends can (and have been already...) say "I told you so!"
I'm just very happy with how it went. :)

The all-night party was also a little better than I'd expected. I mostly spent it with Laura, Alec, and Angela...and a bit with Dezi, Alexis, and Casey. It was fun enough. :)

Overall it was a very good day.

I want to thank all of my friends. I just read all of my cards and they're all lovely. They all made me smile. Also, it was cool/nice of everyone to stay for so long. :)

Now that all of that is over and done with, I need to get a job...

But for now I just need to get some sleep. :P
I have to try to make it to Zena's birthday, Dezi's open house, and to hang out with Bob. I really want to hang out with him. I hardly saw him today, and he got in late last night. :(

Today's the day

Well I'm graduating today.
I just want this day to be over already.
Graduation will be long and boring, and I'm dreading my open house.
Ughhh...
I'll try to make the best of it, though.
I still have a lot to do, so this is a short one.

Latin final

The Latin final was good.
It was pretty easy, and we got to work on the translations as a group. :)
The beginning of the period was so nice...
We watched part of The Emperor's Club (as we always do) and Volk read a bunch of cute inspirational quotes and we had some gelato.
When he was reading the quotes and saying nice things to us/wishing us well, he got all choked up, so then I did too... It was sad. =(
I'm going to miss that class a lot. We've been together for five years..
I'll never forget my times in Latin and JCL. They were some of the best, and I wish I could have more.

Graduation rehearsal is today, and I'm not looking forward to it.
It's going to be so boring. I've already been to it three times in my life for band.
It kind of sucks to already be sick of graduation when I haven't even graduated yet, but oh well.

High school is over for real now, and it is so weird.
There are really only three things I'll miss: band with Tessmann, Latin/JCL/Volk/my class, and seeing the same people every day.
Aside from those things, I'm thrilled to be moving on..

WTF is my problem?

Sometimes I wonder WTF my problem is.
My life isn't perfect or anything and I have been dealt with my fair share of problems over the years, but it's not horrible either.
I have good friends, I've gotten a decent education, I'm fairly intelligent, I have a good family, I have all of the basic necessities, I have some luxuries, I'm going to go to college next year, I'm healthy enough, etc.
But yet I feel awful more often than the average person should...
The majority of my problems come from within, and then I just feel stupid and whiny for having said problems in the first place, and then I get even more upset.
I don't know what my deal is.
I obviously can't seem to handle things in life very well/easily/healthily.
I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to function in the "real world."
Maybe I'm just immature... I don't know. Dard suggested that to me once which pissed me off, but maybe she's right. Maybe I'm just immature/childish/naive.
I always thought that I was fairly mature, but maybe I'm not.
There are a lot of changes that I need to make...mostly changes in attitude/perspective.
I also need a little motivation. I'm certainly not lacking in ambition, but I'm really lacking in motivation.

Well there's my entry for the night.
I have my Latin final at 8. =/

Open Housing

I've been to six open houses so far, and I still have a bunch more that I'm probably going to go to.
I honestly don't really like going to open houses.
It's nice to see people and to look at the pictures that they have out (if they do) and all, but I always feel so awkward just standing around.
I especially feel awkward if I mostly just know the person whose open house it is, because you can't hog them and talk to them the whole time -- they have a whole room full of people to talk to.
Laura's was the best because she's one of my best friends and I knew most of the people there. Zena's was good too because I just talked to Tessmann, Zena, her sister, her parents, and Antoine. It was nice.
Everyone else's has proven to be a little awkward in some ways.

I'm not looking forward to mine at all.
I didn't even want to have one, but my parents were pestering me about it and I just felt obligated to for a lot of reasons.
I don't like having everything being about me. It makes me uncomfortable to be in the spotlight. I don't want a day dedicated to me. Honestly.
I don't know what I'm expecting from my open house either...
Really, I don't expect (or even want) a TON of people to show up, but I hope that it's fairly active. Mine is on the 6th, though, so everyone's going to be really busy that day, so I'd understand.... Ahhh.

I'm just really nervous, and Dard won't get off my back about everything.
It's stressing me out, and I didn't even want one! =(

Basically Done

I am basically done with high school.
I have one final (Latin, of course) and graduation to go through first, but I am basically done.
I'll never attend another day of regular school at North High.
It's very weird, but it hasn't even fully sunk in just yet.
The last day of school was so average. I don't know what I was expecting, but I was expecting it to feel a little different...but it really didn't.
It was just like any other day, but with people going, "Wow, this is my last [insert activity here] ever" all day long.

I'm not looking forward to my open house. I didn't even want to have one, but my parents wanted me to and I just felt obligated to. I'm not excited about it, though.
I hate when everything is about me. I don't like being the focus, the center of attention. It weirds me out. I despise having the spotlight.
I'm awkward enough at other people's open houses. I don't know how I'll be at mine. It's scary. =P

I'm really looking forward to this summer. =]

Senior Dinner

Ahh...the Latin class senior dinner at Volk's was always one of those epic events that was so far off the distance.
Well, we had it tonight and it was a lot of fun. :)
I loved reminiscing with everyone. The stories were great.
My class is awesome.
We're so close.
It's going to be so weird not having Latin anymore with Mr. Volk or with that class. =(
It's sad.
Tonight was really fun, though..
I enjoyed all of the fellowship, stories, and fun. :)
I don't like being older though.
It was more fun to look forward to these sorts of things..

Bonanzaville Extravaganza!

Today I went to Bonanzaville with Josh, Laura, Andrew, and Abby.
It was most excellent.
I love Bonanzaville! I always have.
The old houses and artifacts have always interested me...and I have a weird obsession with the iron lung.
It was great.
I had a really great day.
This weekend in general has just been really great so far, and I'm happy that we have Monday off and then only four days of school...and then I'm done. :] Wow. No finals! AHHH.

I've felt a little less stressed out lately.
I've been getting things accomplished.
School's almost over.
I know I'll find more things to stress out over, however...

I still feel like I've been annoying people, with one person particularly in mind.
It really upsets me.
He just doesn't seem that interested in me anymore, even though I'm supposedly one of his best friends.
We did have a really great/deep conversation on Monday -- and I know this because I saved one of the texts XD -- but that's been it for the past couple of weeks.
He never initiates conversations anymore unless he wants to send me a picture or something.
It's really kind of depressing.
=(
It makes me sad.

I need sleep.
I hardly got any last night because we woke up super early for Bonanzaville and I didn't get to bed until late.
As usual, I hardly had anything to say. xD

Blahhh

I've felt kind of weird again lately. I don't know why, I've just felt like all of my friends are sick of me or something. I'm afraid of getting on people's nerves.

Tonight was the last orchestra concert.
It was fine.
I didn't cry or anything. It wasn't nearly as emotional and/or touching as the band concert was.
Even if I were more attached to orchestra, I don't think I would've cried.
It was just kind of like any old concert.
It went well though.

My mom bought me this mini mouse that plugs into the USB port.
It's the cutest little thing ever.

I desperately need to get some sleep.

Last band concert...

Well.
Tonight was my last high school band concert, and who knows...maybe it was my last band concert ever.
It was amazing. We played so well...
I got really ridiculously emotional at the end, though, and I left rather quickly. I hope I don't regret that later.
I just went home and sat in my backyard and cried for a long time. I'm still kind of sniffling off and on. It's embarrassing, but whatever. It's really emotional.

Tonight when they were reading my senior bio and giving me my pin and picture, Tessmann hugged me and told me all of these nice things. He told me that I was one of his favorites. He said that I was kind of like one of his pets, like a teacher's special pet. It was a very Tessmann thing to say, and I almost started crying right then and there, but thankfully I was able to control myself.
I hate crying in public. I just don't do it.

Even if I continue to play in band or play music, it just won't be the same...
Tessmann is amazing, and there's just nothing like that band.
We've been together for so long..

That was the best concert ever...but it was extremely sad.
I'm going to be really emotional for the rest of the night, I just know it.

Late Nights

I like to stay up late...and sometimes I can't help how late I stay up because I simply can't sleep.
However, I always hate myself in the mornings.
Ugh.
I have to wake up at 6:30...in approximately 5 1/2 hours.
I have to wake up early three times this week for orchestra!

I had a good weekend.
On Friday I had the rest of Latin Days and then Josh, Laura, and I went to Angels & Demons.
On Saturday I relaxed a bit and hung out with Laura and Jared. We watched a sad movie and I was in a bad mood at the end of the night, which I am kind of embarrassed about now because I hate showing that around my friends.
On Sunday Laura and I went to Jocelyn's open house and then we hung out with Josh and Casey.
All in all it was good...except for Saturday late at night. Bah. I hate those random depressing moods.

Right now I'm just practicing my ridiculously hard and high flute parts for orchestra. The concert is on Thursday.
I hope I'm not keeping my parents up.

Two weeks left of school...
Wow.
This is it!

Exhausted

Latin Days was fun.
It made me really ridiculously excited for Nationals... I can't wait! =D
I love Latin events so much...
There's just something about Latin/JCL that makes my life so much better.

I missed the senior retreat today, but I'm okay with that.
Honestly, as I've said before, the only person there I would've enjoyed spending time with is Alec.
There are some other 'school friends' I like, but eh..
It doesn't sound like I missed anything too interesting.
It would've been kind of fun, I guess, but oh well.
I had more fun at Concordia.
I have a much deeper emotional attachment to JCL/Latin than to my grade and school, to be honest...
A lot of my friends are in other grades anyway, so a lot of them were there at Latin Days. =)

Just a couple weeks left... :)

Concordia Latin Days

Well, I am currently at Concordia for Latin Days.
Latin Days is probably one of my least favorite events of the year, but whatever. I wasn't going to skip out on the last one.
Right now Laura and I are just hanging out in our room.
Today was fine.
We watched certamen (or the knowledge bowl or whatever) and it was kind of painful.
Tomorrow is just testing...and more certamen, I think.
It'll be fun though.
I didn't really want to go to the senior retreat anyway.
I think that if I miss anything interesting, Alec will fill me in if I ask. =)
That's about it.
I just like blogging. xD

Overwhelmed

I feel really overwhelmed right now.
There's so much to do before school is out...
I'm stressing out so much right now when I should be relaxing and enjoying the last month of high school.

Concordia Latin Days starts tomorrow.
I don't even like Concordia all that much, but it'll still be fun...and it'll be my last one.
I'll be missing the senior retreat on Friday.
I'm not all that broken up about it.
It doesn't sound like something I'd really enjoy anyway, and the only person who won't be at Latin Days that I care about in my grade is Alec, really.

I don't really have anything interesting to say.
I'm just stressed.
I felt like blogging for some reason.
It's a nice release.
Maybe I'll go to bed early tonight to avoid doing something stupid.

My titles are lame

I'm really glad that I'm starting to read a lot again.
For the longest time, I only read for classes...and even then, I hardly read. Finally I'm reading more for recreation again, which is good. I love to read. :]
The opening of the library helped to inspire me to start reading again, that's for sure.

I love Bill Gates' books. It's so interesting to get direct insight into one of the most successful companies of all time. He is one fascinating man, and he really inspires me. A lot of my current ambition is thanks to Bill Gates (oh, and Steve Ballmer of course!).
People like Bill Gates just amaze me... Those creative people who come up with fantastic, revolutionary ideas far ahead of their time... I wish I could be like Bill!
I really do idolize him, and it's not because he's the richest man in the world. I mean, yeah, I'd like to be somewhat wealthy in the future, but that's a shallow reason. I idolize him because of his intelligence and his skills. If I could have even just 1/50 of his knowledge, I'd be more than content!
I'm so excited to really get into Computer Science. I've been doing a lot at home in my spare time.
Nora gave me the idea to go around to some of the thrift stores and buy some old computers. She said that they're really cheap. That's a great idea. This is going to be so funnnnn. =]

I got my 7th grade letter back today. It's so cute and ridiculous. I was such a dork.
That was a good time in my life, though. I'm not living in the past or anything, but that was a really great time.
I think that's the happiest I've ever been in my life, really... I was just so carefree, I loved my friends, I got great grades even though they didn't matter, etc.
It was so nice being so easily amused. Every little thing was funny and blog-worthy.
It's just cute. I miss it.
7th grade was like...my last really good year, I think. It was the last year before everything kind of went to shit. I liked myself in 7th grade. I really did. I didn't have a care in the world and I had a ton of ambition. Ugh... Even though I was really dorky and spastic, I was really happy and I actually had confidence.
I enjoyed 9th and 10th grade, and this year has been fine, but now there's a ton of stress that accompanies the good times. Back then it was just silly and fun all of the time.

May is going by so quickly...
I'm getting anxious.

dsajlfkds

I feel like I have a hard time letting go of people.
Even after we've both moved on, I just have a really hard time completely letting go... Even if that means that I'm just holding onto old memories.

I made a big list of things to do.
It's quite large, but I've already crossed some things off.
It's satisfying...and it keeps me organized and focused.
I've felt pretty overwhelmed for the past few days, so it has definitely helped.

These last few weeks are going to be hard and stressful.
I feel like there is so much to do before graduation...
Time is running out!

Lately I've been trying to decide if I want to continue band and/or Latin in college.
I'm not really sure... I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
I have to decide by July 8th. That's when I have orientation and registration.
What do you think?

Nostalgia

I've been in a strange mood all weekend long.
My weekend has been really nice, but I've just been in an odd mood.
Yesterday I looked at a bunch of old xangas. I looked at mine and I looked at xangas of some of my old friends from junior high.
I don't know. It's just really weird to finally be moving on from school... I'll be an adult soon and I'll be going to college in a few months.
It's so strange. These sorts of things have always been just in the back of my mind. They've always been "someday."
It's overwhelming.
I'm almost clinging to my last few weeks of high school. I worry that I haven't done enough. I worry that I'm not ready to move on.

Right now I really hope that when I look back on high school in the future that I won't be disappointed. I really hope that I won't have too many regrets.
I feel like I have done enough, though.
I've been very actively involved in a few extracurriculars that mean a lot to me, I've gone to regular school functions, I've taken a lot of varied classes, and I've gotten to know a lot of people of various classes.
Really, the only thing I never did was go to prom. I don't think that I'll regret that, honestly. Prom just isn't something that I'm interested in. I don't like to get dressed up and I don't like to dance. I'm really okay with my decision to not attend.

It's just weird to start to miss something you don't even like.
I don't really like high school, but I know I'll miss it. I'll miss certain things about it, anyway.
I'll miss seeing nearly all of my friends in one place, I'll miss the funny people in classes, I'll miss Mr. Volk and Mr. Tessmann, I will miss North's pep band, I'll miss JCL, etc.
I will not miss the monotony, the stupid people, the boring classes, having a full day every day, and so on.

I do know that my life isn't going to suddenly become amazing once I enter college, but I'm just really excited to have a sort of...fresh start. I need a change of pace. I'm excited....scared but excited.

Graduation is less than a month away.
It'll be weird to finally be IN the ceremony and not in the band... Wow.
I know I'm going to cry. I am positive of that.
I almost cried at last year's graduation and I wasn't even that connected to anyone in that class.

I haven't done anything for a graduation party yet... I don't know. I don't really even want one. I know my parents want me to have one, but I'm not all that interested in having one. I feel like it's kind of pointless. We'll see. I have to figure this out soon, though.

I guess that's all I have to write about.
I'm just in a really strange mood...

WOW, It's May!

Hmmmmmmmm, hi. I haven't blogged in a long time. I just haven't had much to say other than... yo, school is getting on my nerves, I love my friends, I'm depressed, etc. That's probably all of what I'll write about in this blog, just a warning. ;)

Well, things have been all over the place.
The flood was pretty major (but not major enough).

School is so dull and meaningless. I just go from class to class and I don't pay attention. Somehow I get all of my work done, and somehow I'm getting all A's and B's. This is why I don't understand how people can fail easy or "regular" classes... If I can pass AP/"advanced" classes with next to no effort, why can't people pass "regular" classes? I'm not being snooty, I just don't get it. I never turn my work in on time and I NEVER study.

After a long debate between Drexel University and NDSU, I chose NDSU. I'm kind of regretting it, but honestly... Drexel is way more expensive and I haven't prepared at all for that. Also, NDSU has a fine Computer Science program. I just...need more of a plan before I go to Philly because I'm hoping to make that a permanent move, though deep down I feel like I'll move back to Fargo someday anyway. That's beside the point, however. Philly is my goal and I'll make it there someday. There's no rush. Four years isn't even that long of a time, and no one cares where you get your damn undergrad. Honestly. If I work hard and do well while I'm at NDSU, I'll be able to go to a nice East Coast school for grad school. Obviously I was able to get into Drexel with average high school grades, so I think I'll be able to get into a good school out there (OMG U PENN <3) after getting good grades at NDSU. :)

Sometimes I wonder if Computer Science is a good idea. Obviously I'm very interested in it, and obviously I'm dedicated, but I don't know if I'm capable of it. I'm not that smart, I'm terrible at math, I'm lazy, and I procrastinate far too much. I'm so afraid that I'll fail. I don't want to hear any terrible cliches right now ("you can be as good as you want to be," "don't go into it with that attitude," blah blah blah), that's just how I feel. I WILL do it, though... I must.

At some point I want to work for Microsoft. I don't know where, though. I'll be tired of Fargo by then, and I don't really think that the campus here has much that would interest me. I want to develop software...bitchin' software. I don't know.
I guess I don't have to work at Microsoft to have a sweet computer/IT job.
It'd just be really bitchin'...
I. Love. That. COMPANY.
I really do.
It's the best company to have ever been founded, and I will defend it to its or my dying day... whichever comes first... Hopefully mine, for Microsoft must prevail forEVER. ;)

Lately I've been very depressed, and I don't really understand why.
There's really nothing "wrong" with my life right now. I'm doing fine in school, I have great friends, nothing overly bad has happened, etc., but I just feel so incomplete and terrible all of the time.
I think that most of my problems are internal struggles that I can't seem to overcome. I hate myself with a passion. I have for a very long time. I'm having a hard time getting over that. It gets in the way of everything.
I think that I'm a disgusting, ugly, stupid, lazy underachiever. I'm all talk. I'm boring and I have social skills that are lacking. I don't have much to say, and I'm terrible at really talking. I listen well but that isn't always apparent because I'm a terrible conversationalist. I'm not good at anything. I have no particular talents or skills. I am excrutiatingly average. I care but not enough to make changes. I'm just awful and I feel like such a waste of space/time.

I question my friendships all of the time.
I can't imagine how I even have friends...and a fair number of them at that.
There is nothing good about my personality. I'm friendly enough and I'm a good listener, but that's about it. Those are a couple of really good qualities, I guess, but that's IT. I have nothing interesting to say.
I just wonder how there are a number of people out there who want to be my friend.
Obviously there's something about me that isn't too bad, but I don't see it so I always question it.

I feel like I talk about the same things all of the time.
I'm always worried that people will get tired of me.
If I open up, I'm afraid that I'll open up too much and scare people away.
If I stay closed, I'm afraid that people will get frustrated and drift away.
It's hard to decide what to do.
It all feels very black and white.

I guess I've opened up a lot over the past couple of weeks.
To date, I've told six people about my secret. Wow. Six. That almost seems like too many.
The only close people who don't know are my dad, Laura, and Bob (uncle).
I don't know if I'm going to tell them. Maybe, maybe not. I've told enough people, honestly.

When I told Alec, we had the best and deepest conversation we'd ever had. It was amazing...
We had another one a few days ago too, and that was probably even more amazing...but also more depressing.
I had no idea.
He told me so many sad things about himself.
I'm so glad that we're friends again.
We have so much in common...like, a ridiculous number of things in common. We have normal, everyday things in common (interests, hobbies, politics, etc.), but we also have deeper things in common...like, we have the exact same problems. It's ridiculous.

I felt so happy after those talks even though they were very depressing and intense.
It just felt so good to be understood.
Yeah, I've told six people and they've all been rather supportive, but...you know...it's not quite the same as having someone totally understand. He has the background and experience to understand, so it really helps.
I feel a little better about things.
A little less alone now that I have someone to confide in.
I just hope that I don't go running to him for every little thing.
It's very appealing having a person to talk to about your deepest, darkest secrets. It's very satisfying. I just hope that I don't abuse it by talking too much, though I guess he probably wouldn't care all that much. He's very supportive.

I don't know.
My mom really wants me to get help if I can't (well, honestly, it's more like WON'T -- I just don't want to tell her that) stop.
I don't know how I feel about that.
I kind of want to since I feel like I've been in this ridiculous slump for months, and I can't get out of it. I really can't. I'm happy around certain people and while I'm doing certain activities in certain settings, but those moods last for only so long.
I can go from amazingly happy and content with life to depressed and borderline-suicidal all within one day, but it's usually within a couple of days.
I feel great for a few days, but then I return to the terrible feelings.
I don't know why I'm so depressed all of the time.
My life is fine overall.
Sure, I have my problems, but who doesn't?
I haven't been raped, my parents are both alive, I have friends, I have a home, I have money and freedom, etc.
I have all of that good stuff. I have the basic necessities and more. I'm doing okay.
It's not that I'm greedy and that I want more than what I have, I just feel so incomplete all of the time.
I used to think that it was because I wanted a relationship, but I've realized lately that I'm not all that interested in one anymore. It's not a big deal. If it happens, it happens... I'm not going to get all worried about it, though.

I just wish I knew what my problem was.
I've tried to fix myself on my own, but it isn't working.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do now.
I'm getting tired of living like this, but I don't want to ask for help either.
I hate asking for help.
I also would feel stupid for asking for help when there's really nothing outwardly wrong with my life.
Ugh...
I guess we'll see what happens.
Pretty soon my mom is going to make me do something about it, though.
She's at the end of her rope because she doesn't know what to do with me.
I don't know what to do with me.

I guess I should get to bed.
I was staying up while my programs downloaded and installed (programs to code Visual Basic, C++, etc.), but they're done now... also, my Windows updates have been downloaded too.

It felt kind of good to say all of that.
I don't know though.
I still feel like I shared too much.

I Want to Be Bill Gates

I had a really nice spring break.
I didn't sleep much at all during it and I did get sick as a result, but it was great.

I hung out with a bunch of friends and had a good time, and then on Thursday night I had a state officer meeting to do the last-minute planning for state JCL convention. After that was over, Jason came to the FCC and we hung out for a few hours there, just chatting. It was nice.

On Friday and Saturday, I was busy ALL day with state convention.
It was wonderful.
I think it was a success.
We did well with planning it, if I do say so myself.
I loved being an officer.
It was so much fun running around and coordinating everything.
I loved being the tech. coordinator in the back, running back and forth and doing things with computers and projectors and videos.
It was great.
I love my office.

I got really sad on Saturday, though.
My certamen team placed SECOND, which was great, but I got really depressed when Volk started to talk about how he appreciated all of the seniors who'd put so much time into JCL over the years and whatnot.
I almost lost it.
I almost started crying right then and there, but I was able to hold back...mostly because I was on stage and I didn't feel like crying in front of 100 people. =P
It was so sad, though...
JCL is basically my life. It really is.
I don't know what I'm going to do without it.
Of course I'll join the SCL and I'll go to Nationals and maybe come back for state next year if they want my help, but that's really all I'll be able to do, and it's so sad...
SCL just doesn't quite cut it for me. =(

Overall I had a fantastic break.
It was just...wonderful.
The only problem was that it went by FAR too quickly!...and I got sick, I guess.

Lately I've been kind of obsessed with Bill Gates and Microsoft.
On Sunday I tore apart a bunch of computers and played around with all of our old ones (some were from the early '90s!! we have a monitor from 1992!).
I used so many different operating systems on Sunday...
Windows 3.11, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows XP, Windows Vista, and Ubuntu Linux...
It was fun!
I love it. =]
I can't wait to learn more.
Computers are so fascinating.
I love technology.
Overall I think of myself as kind of old-fashioned and conservative, but I am NOT old-fashioned at ALL when it comes to technology.
I am like an old man....except I can't live without technology.
I'm so excited to major in computer science!
It's going to be great.
I'm so happy that I finally have my major figured out.
It'd been stressing me out for a while when I was so unsure.
I don't know when it hit me that computer science is it, but it was great.
It made so much sense.
I've been using computers literally my whole life.
I've had my own computer since I turned eight years old.
I have two computers of my own right now, and that doesn't include my parents' at all.
I've always been good with computers, and now I'm getting even better with the hardware aspect of them. I've always been decent with software, but now I'm getting into the complex stuff.
I've been reading books on programming languages and whatnot a lot lately.
I've done a lot with computers in recent times.
I installed Ubuntu Linux alongside Windows XP on my desktop computer.
It was fun doing a dual boot like that!
I have two operating systems on there now, and I think I'll install even more.
Ahhh... =]

I feel okay right now.
I kind of had a ridiculous, major breakdown like...an HOUR before I left for state convention on Friday. It was terrible...really terrible.
My mom wants me to see a therapist of some sort.
She's really adament about that.
She knows that I'm depressed and that I'm tired of everything and that I've been doing some self-destructive things (again).
It just really hit her on Friday, I guess.
She almost started crying right along with me.
It was really... emotional and weird. It made me feel really uncomfortable.
I don't know about seeing a therapist...
It'd be okay, but I'm scared to open up.
I don't want to look like a freak.
There's a lot more to me than I talk about on here (or anywhere, for that matter).

Anyway, I should get to bed.
I just felt like updating on a few things even though no one reads this, but that's okay. I'm doing it for my own sake. =]

I'm planning on sandbagging tomorrow!
Woot!

I'm At School Right Now

There is so much that I'd like to say and need to say, but I can't bring myself to say it.

I love my friends and I trust them, but I can't seem to open up to them... and that's been a common criticism of my being for years from various people.

I'm always afraid that if I let people in, they'll either get sick of me or they'll not know what to do or say and they'll run away, even if they ARE good friends/people.

It is hard not being able to express what I'm feeling or thinking, though.

It's not like I enjoy being a closed person. It's actually kind of painful sometimes. I have so much bottled up inside of myself all of the time.

As I've said, I do love my friends and I trust them and they're easy to chat with, but I'm still afraid to completely let them in.

I've let Liz Reynolds in the most, I think. She probably knows the most about me right now. I trust her and in this case, I do KNOW that she wouldn't run away or get freaked/weirded out or anything. I know that for a fact, but yet...I STILL can't completely say everything.

I don't necessarily want to tell everything to everyone, but it'd be nice to not have so many secrets.

I've been struggling with some things a lot over the years.

Some of these things are things that I'd quit or thought were behind me, but they're not.

I'm afraid that they'll never be fully behind me.

I spent way too much time thinking yesterday, and it wasn't for the better.

In some ways, I'm not really doing very well right now.

Snow Day!

Well, I honestly didn't care all that much about the potential snow day.
I would've been fine either way.
I WILL enjoy this snow day. =]

I had a good weekend.

On Friday I accidentally fell asleep, so I missed pep band and hanging out with Jared and Laura. XD Oh well.

On Saturday I hung out with Jason and Laura for a bit while we waited for Jared and Aurora to get back from a speech tournament. Then we went to Jason's and watched DEATH NOTE. I love that show. I hate to admit it since it's ANIME, but it's so good. I can't help it. =P

On Sunday I did Ovid with Laura and Jared and Josh Boe was there too. After that, we went to Watchmen, which was AWESOME! It may have been three hours long, but it was seriously sweet. I want to go again.

Today was fine. School was a bit long, I guess, but it was okay. I actually got all of my homework done, so I felt good. After school, Liz and I braved the snowy/icy roads for an hour or two. :]

I'm still trying to decide what I want to do about prom... A lot of people have been bugging me about it lately, trying to convince me to go since I'm a senior and it's my last chance and blah blah blah... but honestly, I'm not interested in going. I don't like to dance and I don't like to dress up. None of my immediate friends are all that interested in going, and there's no way I'd go without them...and I don't think I'll ask anyone and I DOUBT anyone will ask me, so going with a date is ruled out too.

I'm not all that worried, honestly... I just wish that people would quit bugging me about it! I'll figure it out eventually.

High school is almost overrrrrr....kind of. :]
I can feel it ending, and it's so nice.
I'm so ready! AHH.
I'll miss a few things, but I'm so excited to move on.

Right now I'd have to say that I'm in a fairly good place, but I still feel kind of...depressed and nihilistic. I've been in a slump for months now. I can't seem to get out of this rut...

I feel like all of my entries have been the same lately. Oh well. x]

Hmmmmmm

We've been doing a little state planning lately.
I'm kind of excited.
I hope it turns out well.

This weekend was alright.
On Friday night I hung out with just Laura and Andrew.
That was interesting. :)

On Sunday I had lunch and went to the mall with Zena and Hannah.
We hadn't hung out in forever.
It was nice...really nice, actually.
She gave me a really cute, sweet apology for the situation that happened like two years ago.
I apologized for blowing up at her two years ago.
It was nice.
We're kind of getting to be normal around each other again.
I feel bad... She was really fucked over by her last relationship... Like seriously.
I love Zena.
She's happier now, so she's more like her old self again.
She's great. =)

After that, I did Ovid with Jared and Laura at the FCC.
It took so long...but it was nice!

Monday is "Hawaiian Shirt Day" among my friends and their friends, but I have a feeling that it's going to kind of fail.
Oh well.
I'll wear my shirt under my sweatshirt anyway just in case it doesn't completely fail.

Things have been okay lately.
I'm still really really tired of school, and I'm still trying to make decisions about college and whatnot.
I've also been a little depressed off and on, but whatever. Things are good. I love my friends, my grades are good, I've gotten into some colleges, and I'm doing well. :]

I wish I could get over my little crush on a certain someone, however...
It's weird, embarrassing, and really pointless! =P

I'm Alright

I'm doing alright.
Last weekend was good -- I spent much of it with the same group of people...plus Josh Boe on his birthday.

This week so far has been really long, oddly stressful, and ridiculously tiring.
I'm exhausted...but I'm okay. =)

Tonight I think I'm going to study some AP Econ with Liz and Noah. We have a test tomorrow. :/

This weekend should be good.
I have a double pep band on Friday and tentative plans on Saturday and Sunday already...and those tentative plans include watching anime at Jason's and doing Ovid with people on Sunday.

I love studying and doing homework with people.
I used to find it so hard to focus on the work with friends, but I'm finding it a lot easier now.
It makes it a lot less painful. :)

I really miss Philadelphia and New Jersey and all of my relatives there right now...
I hope I can make it back there soon.. I also hope that I can move there within four years.
For now, I guess I'll just have to be fine with where I am.

Overall, things are okay right now...despite my nightly episodes of depression and extreme stress. :P

Another Good Weekend

I just feel on top of the world right now.
I always feel like that after a good weekend.

On Friday I hung out with Liz Reynolds, Laura, Andrew, and Dis Kid. We went to the mall and Perkins and drove around a bit.
On Saturday I hung out with Jason, Liz, Laura, and Andrew. Again, we drove around...and just kind of hung out. It was nice yet again.
I think I'm just going to stay home and do homework and chill on Sunday. That sounds nice to me.

I just...actually feel good right now.
It's almost weird, but it's nice.
I love good weekends.
I'm just so happy with my current friends. I can't stress it enough. They don't make me feel worthless and they're all funny as hell. We have good times, even if we're just driving around aimlessly all night...or spending the night at Perkins or something like that.
It's so nice to not feel pressure anymore.
I'm okay with being myself around them.
I don't have to worry about what I'm saying or doing, and I don't have to worry whether or not I'll be invited the next time anymore.
Things are just so real and less petty with them.
Ahhh.. =)
I don't mean to keep talking about it, but I'm just so happy with the aspect of friendship in my life. It's been awhile since I've been this happy with that aspect of my life, so I keep feeling the need to shout it out on the rooftops at all times.
I'll stop now, though. ;)

Worried Sick...Literally

Well, I'm sick today.
I was sick yesterday too, but I went to school.
Today I just... I don't know. I felt worse and I checked the Daily Planner and saw that I wouldn't miss much, so my mom just let me go for it.
I feel kind of dumb for using up one of my days (since I'm trying to be exempt from finals) already, but oh well. What happens, happens.

I probably would've gone to school if I hadn't been so stressed out.

On Sunday night my dad went into the hospital. He's still there. There's a chance that he'll get out today or tonight, though, so that's good.

He'd just been feeling awful all weekend with a migraine that wouldn't go away, and then on Sunday night he checked his blood pressure and it was 2x as high as the severe end of the healthy range, and he started to feel numb and whatnot, so he decided to go to the emergency room.

My mom drove him there and said that she'd call me as soon as she had news, and she didn't call for like...three hours because that's the first chance she had to call me. Needless to say, I was at home all anxious and worried, expecting the worst.
I mean, everything that had been happening to him seemed like either a stroke or a heart attack, so I was just freaking out...and the fact that it took three hours for my mom to call me made me even more nervous.

He's doing okay though.
They've done a bunch of tests on his heart and other organs, along with some brain scans.
So far so good.
It looks like he just has a really bad infection (sinuses and lungs) that hit his bloodstream and just stressed his whole body out.
They're still trying to figure out why he was having heart problems, though - that part isn't making sense to them.

I think he'll be fine...and as I said before, there's a good chance that he'll be coming home today or tonight. :)

I just haven't been that worried and scared in a long time. I did just about everything I could to calm myself down (smoked, drank, cut), but nothing worked until my mom finally called. I feel kind of ashamed, but oh well.

I really thought that he was going to die. His health isn't the best to begin with, and all of that just sounded really bad... and I was getting super depressed because that day, my dad and I had been fighting a lot and being angry with each other, so I was having one of those typical moments of regret, like, wow...what if today was his last day alive? I'd feel like shit for the rest of my life knowing that we were angry with each other on his last day on earth.

I was oddly superstitious that day too. Sunday was apparently the 45th anniversary of the day that my dad's dad died. Also, I'd had a dream over the weekend that my dad had died, which freaked me out to begin with, but freaked me out even more later.

Oh well.
Things are better now.
I feel kind of weird saying all of that on a place that's so public. I don't normally share this much..
In a way, it felt good, but in another way... I don't like being that open.

Great Weekend, Mixed Emotions

So far I've had a really good weekend.

On Friday after school, Liz Reynolds and I left together and just drove around aimlessly as we always do. Eventually we decided to go to Moxie Java with our laptops and do some JCL stuff. After a while, Jason met us there and then we went and picked up Andrew. We were originally going to go to Argusville and go into the school, but in the end, it looked too risky because the town was more JUMPIN' than usual...so we just drove around some more and then went to Wal-Mart just for fun. It was a great night, and we all agreed that it needs to happen more often. :)

Yesterday I didn't do too much, but it was nice. I talked to my brother for the first time in seriously years. It was really weird...but nice at the same time. He's a really nice guy.

Today I'm hopefully going to work on the massive pile of AP Econ that's waiting for me, but who knows... I also have a little Latin to do. Bleh. Homework day. I hate Sundays.

In some ways, lately I've been the happiest that I've been in a long time. I finally feel free of petty friendship "drama" and bullshit because the people I'm close with now are a little more accepting and less two-faced. I've yet to have a problem with any of the people I'm close with now, so that's great. It's really nice. I love my friends. They're hilarious, caring, fun to be around, laidback, intelligent, etc. I could not be happier in that aspect of my life. It feels good to be chill and carefree with friends again. I'd really missed that. :)

However, I've been feeling really depressed at the same time... I haven't felt this shitty in probably my whole life. I had some bad times in 8th and 11th grade, but I feel like this is much worse. I'm not going to elaborate because the last time I did, somebody who read my blog told another friend of mine that I was "suicidal over the weekend," which lead to an embarrassing conversation, so I'm just going to keep my mouth shut because I don't want to deal with that again.

I have never been more ready to graduate in my life. I used to want to cling to every last second of high school, but now I'm just itching to get out. I'll miss some people, but it looks like I'll be sticking around for my time as an undergrad. I don't really want to, but that's the most logical thing for me right now for a lot of reasons. I'll most likely be going to NDSU. I'm thinking about majoring in Computer Science. I'd like to major in Computer Engineering and have a possible minor in Computer Science or something else, but I don't know if I could handle Computer Engineering. I'm excited though...nervous but excited.

Well, that's all for now.
I don't know why I even update this thing anymore. It doesn't do much for me, and I know that only a couple of people read it every once in a while. Eh.

Relieved

I feel so much better now that finals are over.

AP English, chemistry, band, AP Psych, and orchestra were all quite easy.
Anatomy was a little hard, but I think I did okay.
Latin was so hard, though... I feel just dead now. I feel like I don't have any brain cells left. I really should have studied harder, but honestly, I did study... I guess I just studied all the wrong things.

Normally I wouldn't really care about not doing all that well, but it's Latin... and I know that Volk takes it really personally, and I'm afraid that I've disappointed him.

Oh well. =/

I'm looking forward to this weekend.

We have a state officer meeting tomorrow. Hopefully we're going to get some state convention planning done.... We really need to get going on that.

Second semester will be okay. I hope it goes by quickly..

Let's Discuss 2008

I'm a tiny bit late on this, but oh well.

2008 is over. We are now in 2009.
Wow, what a great introduction... I'm sure everyone knows that by now.

2008 was a busy, crazy year full of many ups, downs, changes, and so on. A lot happened now that I look back on it. As it was ending, I thought that it had been a pretty lame and not very dynamic year, but now that I think back... A LOT happened.

The year began with the last half of my junior year.
Some good things happened that year, but overall it was a bad year. I hated my job, I hated waking up every day, school sucked, I had CONSTANT bullshit issues with friends, I cut again for the first time in 2 1/2 years (as I mentioned in a blog several months ago), etc. It just sucked all around. If I had the opportunity to go back and change it, I would...but alas, I can't, so I'm not going to dwell on it.

I had a really fantastic summer, though.
I went to Nationals (as always) and loved every second of it.
I also went to the East Coast for about ten days and stayed with my uncles, which was amazing.
Because of that last trip, I've been dying to get out of the Midwest ever since I got back.
All in all, I just had a really great summer. I got to hang out with friends a lot, I got to have some relaxing days off, and I went on two insanely awesome and life-altering trips.

Senior year started in late August. It started off alright, but it took a long time for me to feel like, wow, this is really it... School has really started. I'm a senior now.
I finally feel like a senior now, though.

So far senior year has been okay.
I had some really rocky times shortly after it started, but I've definitely moved past all of that.
I've distanced myself from some people that I used to be really close with, and honestly, I feel much better now, and I'm sure they do too.
I'm glad that I don't have to keep dealing with the same petty problems that I've been dealing with with them for the past year or two. I'm glad that I don't have to feel pressured to call people up all the time. I'm glad I don't feel like shit about myself as much as I used to then.
I just feel a lot better.
I'm glad that I can still be "school" friends with some of those people, though. I don't want any bitterness or awkwardness or tension. I don't know.
Ultimately I'm glad that I decided to give up and distance myself from the old 'group' of friends, because it's been positive for me, and it sounds like they're all doing really well too, so you know... whatever. It worked out for everyone.

Anyway, moving on...

In December I went on two fun trips to the Cities. I went to Minnehaha for Latin and I went to the Cities for the music trip. Both trips were really amazing...especially the music trip. I made some new friends, and they're really neat people that I probably wouldn't have talked to had we not been on the trip together. I'm still talking to these new friends, and it's overall just been really positive.

So... to sum it up...

The beginning of 2008 was terrible.
The middle (being the summer) was incredible.
The beginning of the school year was lackluster and depressing.
The end of the year vastly improved. :)

I still have some things that are bothering me, but overall I feel a lot better.
I'm glad that I've been able to move on from some things, and I'm glad that I've gotten to move on to new things.
I don't know.
I don't feel quite as stressed as I usually do... I'm not so worried about college or my major or anything right now. What will happen will happen. I'm trying to learn how to relax more. I'm trying to come up with better ways to relax myself as well.

I'm really looking forward to 2009.
I have a good feeling about 2009. I really do. I want the rest of this year to go by quickly so I can move on to college. I'm very excited about college. :)

By the way, I typed this blog with my new laptop. ;)
My dog has been nuzzling me and bugging me the whole time. x]