WOW, It's May!

Hmmmmmmmm, hi. I haven't blogged in a long time. I just haven't had much to say other than... yo, school is getting on my nerves, I love my friends, I'm depressed, etc. That's probably all of what I'll write about in this blog, just a warning. ;)

Well, things have been all over the place.
The flood was pretty major (but not major enough).

School is so dull and meaningless. I just go from class to class and I don't pay attention. Somehow I get all of my work done, and somehow I'm getting all A's and B's. This is why I don't understand how people can fail easy or "regular" classes... If I can pass AP/"advanced" classes with next to no effort, why can't people pass "regular" classes? I'm not being snooty, I just don't get it. I never turn my work in on time and I NEVER study.

After a long debate between Drexel University and NDSU, I chose NDSU. I'm kind of regretting it, but honestly... Drexel is way more expensive and I haven't prepared at all for that. Also, NDSU has a fine Computer Science program. I just...need more of a plan before I go to Philly because I'm hoping to make that a permanent move, though deep down I feel like I'll move back to Fargo someday anyway. That's beside the point, however. Philly is my goal and I'll make it there someday. There's no rush. Four years isn't even that long of a time, and no one cares where you get your damn undergrad. Honestly. If I work hard and do well while I'm at NDSU, I'll be able to go to a nice East Coast school for grad school. Obviously I was able to get into Drexel with average high school grades, so I think I'll be able to get into a good school out there (OMG U PENN <3) after getting good grades at NDSU. :)

Sometimes I wonder if Computer Science is a good idea. Obviously I'm very interested in it, and obviously I'm dedicated, but I don't know if I'm capable of it. I'm not that smart, I'm terrible at math, I'm lazy, and I procrastinate far too much. I'm so afraid that I'll fail. I don't want to hear any terrible cliches right now ("you can be as good as you want to be," "don't go into it with that attitude," blah blah blah), that's just how I feel. I WILL do it, though... I must.

At some point I want to work for Microsoft. I don't know where, though. I'll be tired of Fargo by then, and I don't really think that the campus here has much that would interest me. I want to develop software...bitchin' software. I don't know.
I guess I don't have to work at Microsoft to have a sweet computer/IT job.
It'd just be really bitchin'...
I. Love. That. COMPANY.
I really do.
It's the best company to have ever been founded, and I will defend it to its or my dying day... whichever comes first... Hopefully mine, for Microsoft must prevail forEVER. ;)

Lately I've been very depressed, and I don't really understand why.
There's really nothing "wrong" with my life right now. I'm doing fine in school, I have great friends, nothing overly bad has happened, etc., but I just feel so incomplete and terrible all of the time.
I think that most of my problems are internal struggles that I can't seem to overcome. I hate myself with a passion. I have for a very long time. I'm having a hard time getting over that. It gets in the way of everything.
I think that I'm a disgusting, ugly, stupid, lazy underachiever. I'm all talk. I'm boring and I have social skills that are lacking. I don't have much to say, and I'm terrible at really talking. I listen well but that isn't always apparent because I'm a terrible conversationalist. I'm not good at anything. I have no particular talents or skills. I am excrutiatingly average. I care but not enough to make changes. I'm just awful and I feel like such a waste of space/time.

I question my friendships all of the time.
I can't imagine how I even have friends...and a fair number of them at that.
There is nothing good about my personality. I'm friendly enough and I'm a good listener, but that's about it. Those are a couple of really good qualities, I guess, but that's IT. I have nothing interesting to say.
I just wonder how there are a number of people out there who want to be my friend.
Obviously there's something about me that isn't too bad, but I don't see it so I always question it.

I feel like I talk about the same things all of the time.
I'm always worried that people will get tired of me.
If I open up, I'm afraid that I'll open up too much and scare people away.
If I stay closed, I'm afraid that people will get frustrated and drift away.
It's hard to decide what to do.
It all feels very black and white.

I guess I've opened up a lot over the past couple of weeks.
To date, I've told six people about my secret. Wow. Six. That almost seems like too many.
The only close people who don't know are my dad, Laura, and Bob (uncle).
I don't know if I'm going to tell them. Maybe, maybe not. I've told enough people, honestly.

When I told Alec, we had the best and deepest conversation we'd ever had. It was amazing...
We had another one a few days ago too, and that was probably even more amazing...but also more depressing.
I had no idea.
He told me so many sad things about himself.
I'm so glad that we're friends again.
We have so much in common...like, a ridiculous number of things in common. We have normal, everyday things in common (interests, hobbies, politics, etc.), but we also have deeper things in common...like, we have the exact same problems. It's ridiculous.

I felt so happy after those talks even though they were very depressing and intense.
It just felt so good to be understood.
Yeah, I've told six people and they've all been rather supportive, but...you know...it's not quite the same as having someone totally understand. He has the background and experience to understand, so it really helps.
I feel a little better about things.
A little less alone now that I have someone to confide in.
I just hope that I don't go running to him for every little thing.
It's very appealing having a person to talk to about your deepest, darkest secrets. It's very satisfying. I just hope that I don't abuse it by talking too much, though I guess he probably wouldn't care all that much. He's very supportive.

I don't know.
My mom really wants me to get help if I can't (well, honestly, it's more like WON'T -- I just don't want to tell her that) stop.
I don't know how I feel about that.
I kind of want to since I feel like I've been in this ridiculous slump for months, and I can't get out of it. I really can't. I'm happy around certain people and while I'm doing certain activities in certain settings, but those moods last for only so long.
I can go from amazingly happy and content with life to depressed and borderline-suicidal all within one day, but it's usually within a couple of days.
I feel great for a few days, but then I return to the terrible feelings.
I don't know why I'm so depressed all of the time.
My life is fine overall.
Sure, I have my problems, but who doesn't?
I haven't been raped, my parents are both alive, I have friends, I have a home, I have money and freedom, etc.
I have all of that good stuff. I have the basic necessities and more. I'm doing okay.
It's not that I'm greedy and that I want more than what I have, I just feel so incomplete all of the time.
I used to think that it was because I wanted a relationship, but I've realized lately that I'm not all that interested in one anymore. It's not a big deal. If it happens, it happens... I'm not going to get all worried about it, though.

I just wish I knew what my problem was.
I've tried to fix myself on my own, but it isn't working.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do now.
I'm getting tired of living like this, but I don't want to ask for help either.
I hate asking for help.
I also would feel stupid for asking for help when there's really nothing outwardly wrong with my life.
Ugh...
I guess we'll see what happens.
Pretty soon my mom is going to make me do something about it, though.
She's at the end of her rope because she doesn't know what to do with me.
I don't know what to do with me.

I guess I should get to bed.
I was staying up while my programs downloaded and installed (programs to code Visual Basic, C++, etc.), but they're done now... also, my Windows updates have been downloaded too.

It felt kind of good to say all of that.
I don't know though.
I still feel like I shared too much.