Band Trip & Realizations

So...the annual music department trip was this weekend.
It was amazing! I enjoyed every second of it, really. I got to hang out with some people I don't see often enough, and I made a couple of new friends, which was cool.
I miss the trip already and I wish I could do it all over again.
It's sad that I'll never get to go on another high school band trip again... but oh well.

I've been doing a ton of heavy thinking lately. I even discussed some things with my mom. I think I kind of scared her. She probably thinks that I'm going to go kill myself tonight, but I'm not going to. I'm not suicidal at the moment, even though I have been in the past. =P

I've been very nihilistic lately. I just feel like... life is so pointless sometimes. I don't have faith in any sort of deity or religion or anything, so I can't say that "oh, He has a plan for me" and just brush it off. I can't do that. Even if I HAD faith in something, I don't think I could be like that.

I just wonder why I even bother sometimes. I'm a pretty smart person, but I'm lazy. I slack off. I lack drive and motivation. I haven't always been like this, but I have for the past couple of years. I don't really do anything remarkable and I really don't have any passions or talents. I don't care enough about anything, really. Yeah, it kind of sucks, but that's not really the point.

I wonder why I bother. Chances are I'm going to go to an average school and get a mediocre job and live a boring, dull, unstable life, just like most of the world does. I'll probably struggle for most of my life, I'll have financial troubles, I'll have relationship problems, etc....just like everyone else. No one is perfect, even if they do have a really stable job or tons of money or a nice spouse/significant other.

I wonder why I'm going to be willing enough to set msyelf up for a struggle or a mediocre life like that. What's the point? You work hard and maybe a few things go right, but in the end, what's the goddamn point? I don't even care about happiness all that much, so feeling good about myself for a few things that I've done isn't enough to keep me going.

I've realized that, in all of those 'would you rather' questions (like... money vs. love, success vs. happiness, etc.), I always pick the money or the success over the love or happiness. I don't care about the emotions that much. I'm not saying that I don't want to be happy or that I want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I seem to care way more about money, success, status, power, wealth, stability, etc. than anything else. Is that good or bad? I guess it's good in some ways but bad in other ways.

Most people don't get to become what they really want to become. Everyone has high hopes at some point. Everyone wants to be rich and famous or a celebrity or a doctor, lawyer, CEO, whatever. Everyone at some point has a dream like that, but more people fail than succeed.

For a while I really wanted to go to an Ivy League school (U Penn to be exact) and become a doctor. I really wanted that, but I don't think I wanted it enough, because I continued to slack off and not put forth enough effort, so I've given up on that dream, because I doubt I'd make it.

But what now? What do I do now that all of my plans have been destroyed? I'll probably end up staying in fucking Fargo. I'll probably go to NDSU and get some lame degree that I don't care about. Then what? Maybe I'll go to school some more and pursue a field that I have no passion for, or maybe I'll go out and try to get a job that aligns with my degree that I don't care all that much about.

It probably sounds like I'm being overly negative and basically setting myself up for failure, but I'd like to think that I'm being realistic on a level. Most people don't get what they want. Most people don't like their lives very much, but keep on living because they feel obligated to for whatever reason. Most people don't meet all their goals and have all their dreams come true.

I don't know.
I believe in free will and creating your own future, so I'm basically stuck. I wish I could sit around and say that I'm waiting for God to show me the way to the plan he has for me, but I can't because I'm not religious anymore and even when I was religious, I didn't quite believe that God was going to rule my life for me.

I just have a feeling that I'll end up doing things that I don't want to do for the rest of my life because I wasn't able to make my mind up on anything or work hard enough for the real jobs. I don't see myself doing anything very extraordinary. I doubt I'll go to a really good school. Maybe I'll never make it out to Philly like I want to. Perhaps I'll be stuck in Fargo for the rest of my life.

OR... maybe I'll finally find my "thing" and I'll go to a decent school and work hard. Maybe I'll be living in Philly in a matter of a year or two. Maybe I'll be happy and finally like myself.

I don't know. Actually I don't know why I even included that last part. I think I just included it to satisfy the need for a positive ending, but I don't think that there actually IS a positive ending. I'm trying not to be too pessimistic, and I'm sure I sound like some depressed, suicidal freak or something, but I'm not. I'm really not. I'm not going to kill myself...at least not now. I haven't even experienced the 'real world' or adulthood yet, so don't worry. I'm not going to off myself anytime soon...at least not while you know me. :)

LOL @ Minnehaha

Hahaha, I just got back from Minnehaha.

It was hilarious.

The bus kind of sucked, but I sat by some great people.

I made some new friends...some of whom are ultra geeky. I also reconnected with some people I don't get to see often.

My certamen team took third place in our level, haha.

Basically, it was ridiculous but fun at the same time... Latin trips are always enjoyable.

Next week I go on the music trip. That should be fun. A bunch of people who went to Minnehaha are going on the music trip as well, so that's cool.

My uncle Bob and aunt Joyce from South Jersey/Philly flew in today. I'm so happy! I love them. I love my east coast relatives. God, I want them to take me back with them. =P

Stressin'.

Ugh, I'm really stressing out right now about life in general.
Despite all the stress and sleep deprivation, I'm fairly happy, though!

I'm not really stressed about school right now, but I'm stressed about college applications.
I don't want to get teacher recommendations at all.
I seriously don't know which teacher(s) to ask!
The east coast apps are the hardest (big surprise there, haha), but they're the schools that I want the most... but I'll be pissed if I don't get into any of them. :P
I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and get it done on time.

Speaking of the east coast... god, I miss it.
My uncle texted me a bit over the break. I miss him! That's partly what prompted my thoughts of the east coast.

I really hope I get into a school over there so I can spend more time with my uncles. :)

I hope my parents move over there again after I graduate. That'd be great. I've been thinking about it, and jesus, I do not want to be that far away from my parents just yet... Call me needy, pathetic, overly passive, afraid to let go...whatever.

I miss Philly so much right now. =(
I was freaking out about it last night, haha.


(enlarge to completely experience its greatness) <3

Ridiculously Long Week

This week felt so long! I was so happy to see it END.

On Tuesday I ran out and bought Left 4 Dead for Xbox 360. I'd been super pumped about that game for 6-8 months. It's amazing. I haven't had that much fun on a game in ages. If you're thinking about getting it, I'd recommend it. It's super fun. I love it. :)

On Thursday (or, well, technically Friday, I guess) at midnight I saw Twilight with Liz Reynolds. I ran into my cousin Justine there. XD She's pro-Jacob as well, so that's GOOD. ;)

Anyway, Twilight was really really really ridiculous, but the books are ridiculously funny too, so it wasn't really a surprise. I only really read them for the lulz...and for Jacob Black. ;) The movie was really lame, but I enjoyed it a lot anyway for the same reasons why I enjoyed the books.

On Friday I FINALLY got my computer back. They removed a bunch of viruses and detrimental spyware that I wasn't able to get off myself. There were still some problems, so I finally just fully wiped the hard drive clean, and now it's better than ever! Seriously, this is the fastest my computer has been. I'm so in love with it right now. It's so clean and fast. Aww. I love it. It makes me so happy.

Today I actually worked on college applications. Most of mine have really late deadlines (the spring), so I'm not too worried. I'll get it done. I'm not looking forward to getting teacher recommendations, though... Ugh.

I'm ready for this week. I have a feeling that it'll be an okay week. I don't have to be at school early for orchestra tomorrow because we have a night rehearsal. Also, the week is only three days long, with the last day being a Wednesday. It'll be good.

Tired & Stressed

I hate long (a.k.a. normal =P) weeks of school. I'm so ready for next week, haha. After that, I think I only have one full week of school before Christmas because of the Minnehaha Latin trip and the music department trip. =)

School is going well, but I'm really stressed out right now. I'm really stressing about college applications and whatnot, since I'm being really slow. Also, a few of my classes have been a little stressful lately.

I've been sleeping less than usual too. I was so ridiculously tired at school today. I took a little nap after school, though. I think it helped a tiny bit.

I've taken on a new perspective and a new approach with one aspect of my life. So far I think it's going well. I'm happier.

I have a feeling that this is going to be a very loooooooooong week.

Computer Troubles!

For the past few days, my computer has been acting up. I first spotted a problem on either Tuesday or Wednesday night. My computer was freezing at the most ridiculous times and it was just being horribly slow.

Last night after I got home from school, I brought my processor out to the living room. I opened it up and got a can of air to clean it out. After a thorough job of that, I put a new stick of RAM (memory) in, thinking that just might do the trick.

I plugged my computer back in. It worked well for about 30 minutes. After that, it started having the same old problems. I started to realize that it wasn't a matter of simply needing more memory (though it really did need more memory anyway).

After that, I put all of my photos and documents on a 4 GB flash drive for safe keeping. I held the flash drive and I was just like, "....yo, this is my life right here," and it's kind of true, as ridiculous as that sounds.

Anyway, today after school I wiped my hard drive clean. It didn't take long. After I wiped it clean, I had to go through a set-up process. Once I got to the end of the set-up and clicked on the 'finish' button, my computer basically just stopped. It wouldn't go any further. After awhile I restarted it, but the same thing happened.

I decided to go through the recovery process of wiping it clean once again, but I ran into the same problem at the finish button.

Basically, I think the problem is beyond me. I'm pretty sure that my computer has a virus, and I'm almost positive that the virus is more clever than I am, so I'm going to have to take it in to get it fixed on Monday. I hope they can fix it. My hard drive might be pretty ruined, which isn't a big deal since I can just get another one, but I never actually burned the operating system onto CDs when I first got my computer, so...if I -- or the guys who'll fix it on Monday -- can't get the operating system files copied, I'm basically screwed. I'll probably have to get a new computer.

We'll see, though.

For the time being, I'm using an old computer of ours. I hooked it up in my room about an hour ago. It has frickin' Windows ME (Millennium Edition), so it's pretty old, but I shouldn't complain too much... It's better than nothing, and I really have to get some stuff done using a computer this weekend, so... oh well. Like I said, it's better than nothing. I just really miss Windows XP, haha.

I guess that's all for my entry of computer woes... :P

An Argusville Adventure

So...Sunday night, Liz Reynolds and I were just driving around and whatnot and we were out by Harwood when I remembered hearing about people talking about a supposed "haunted school" in Argusville.

We consulted ChaCha and got directions to Argusville from Fargo. We got to Argusville and looked for the school. Since it's a small town, we found it pretty quickly. We wanted to get out and investigate, but it was close to 2:00 in the morning and we weren't prepared at all. Plus...the whole town was just kind of creeping us out.

So, we went home with plans to try it the next night: Monday night.

Liz got to my house at about 9:30 PM. We originally had invited Nora and Phoebe, but we'd learned that neither of them could go. So, we were sitting in my driveway, texting and calling people to see if they could come. We didn't really get any takers, except for when I decided to text Alec. He said he'd come.

We were off to Argusville. We got there with no problem once again. We parked near a field that's by the school, called Bill's field, and we started to walk around the back of the newer/lower part of the school. All of the doors were locked, but there was a window that was completely out, and Alec decided to crawl through it. He got in and opened a door from the inside for Liz and me.

We investigated for about 30-40 minutes. We saw the gym, auditorium, a locker/changing room, the basement and boiler room, some bathrooms, a few classrooms, and some other rooms that really gave no indication of what they were, since there wasn't much for furniture or anything.

We just walked around, looking at things and peeking into rooms with our flashlights. It was pretty interesting, but nothing scary really happened.

We started to head back to where we came in, and we were confronted with some double doors that we hadn't taken yet, so we went through them. However, as we were going through them, we all heard a noise that sounded like a door opening, and we were all afraid that there was an actual person in there, looking to get us into trouble, as there were "NO TRESPASSING" signs all over the building.

After we heard that, we were all kind of freaking out a bit, trying to find a different door out that was close to where the car was parked. We tried one, but it didn't budge. We went back to the area by the gym, which was consequently right by the car, and there was a door that opened. Before that, though, Liz and I swore we heard some really peculiar swooshing or swishing sort of noise that went on for at least 10 seconds. I don't really know what it was. It could've been anything, normal OR paranormal. It was creepy, though.

Eventually we felt like it was safe to leave, so we quickly walked back to the car and hopped in.

So, basically, nothing spiritual or supernatural happened. It was a creepy and fun adventure, though. Someday I think we'll go back with a bigger group to do some real investigating. Tonight we were just kind of scoping things out.

Even though we didn't see any ghosts or hear any voices or anything, it was still fun and exciting. I'd do it again. Next time I want to try to get into the taller, older building, though... I suspect that's where the supposed spirits are, even though everyone always talks about the lower level's auditorium.

It was kind of weird being in an abandoned building that's like...right across the street from people's houses and whatnot. They closed the school down about 10-12 years ago. I don't really know why, but I'm assuming it's because they didn't need or couldn't afford to have a school in such a small town, so they just merged with West Fargo or Casselton or something.

It was just strange walking around that school, thinking that only a decade ago, it was a real school that kids attended. Now it's almost beyond repair, it's such a mess. It could be saved, but almost EVERYTHING would need replacing. It's strange that there's so much damage after only a decade. It's almost kind of sad.

Anyway, that's my story of the long weekend. :P

I was TAGGED! =)

The Rules are:
[copied and pasted!]

~ Link to the Blogger who tagged you: Liz
~ In your blog, post The Rules and...
~ Six quirky but unspectacular factoids about yourself
~ Tag six other bloggers by linking to them
~ Go to each person's blog, and leave a comment that lets them know they've been tagged.
~ Let me know you've done this tagged post too!

1) I absolutely hate the fact that I'm good or average/mediocre at so many things (Latin, science, music, computers, etc.). I am always so jealous of people who have a true passion or a true talent/skill. Maybe I just haven't found mine yet, but I don't know... I'm 17 and I've tried a lot of things, and I've yet to find something that I'm truly passionate about or truly talented at. Hopefully someday I'll have it all figured out, because right now, I have no idea what I want to study in college or be when I grow up, and it really does bug me...

2) I've only just realized how much the 'Religious Right' TRULY infuriates me. I have been very conservative since about 9th grade. I have well-formed opinions that I've come up with on my own. I guess you already know that, though. Anyway, the point of that introduction was to show that, yes, I am a part of the right wing, and these people still infuriate me to no other. It drives me fucking crazy when all of these overly religious Christian types automatically decide that, because they're extremely religious, they must belong to the right wing, and they, in turn, make the rest of us conservatives/Republicans look very stupid, since these religious extremist "Republicans" just run their mouths off on the same few issues (anti-abortion, anti-gay marriage, pro-prayer in school, etc.). I get so tired of other people assuming that I'm some freaky, closed-minded religious fanatic the second they learn that I'm quite conservative. No, actually, I'm not religious. I was raised in a house of two religions, but I myself am not religious, so it drives me absolutely insane when people make ridiculous assumptions about me because of the ridiculous 'Religious Right' fanatics they've had to put up with. Basically this turned into more of a rant than I'd intended, but oh well... XD

3) My life would be so different without the internet. The internet has had an enourmous effect on my entire life. I can't remember a time without the internet. In some ways, that's kind of cool... It's nice that I'm really good with computers and technology in general, since you can get some really good jobs in that field. Also, it's nice because I'm able to read about so many things online, and I do. I'm constantly researching something when I'm online. I don't just waste my time on here. However, the internet has made me lazy as well. Even though it's always here, I am on it like there's no tomorrow. It's made me not put as much effort into other things, like academics. I'm a smart person and I used to be a really hard worker, but now I just procrastinate so much...and I know that the internet had a hand in that, but it's my fault in the end because I let the internet take up too much time in my life. Oh well.

4) I'm really, really, really interested in Columbine right now. A few of you already know that, and I believe I did mention it briefly on my blog once, but I don't really like talking about that because people will always seem to get the wrong idea. When I say that I'm super interested in Columbine, it probably sounds really morbid and to some it may sound like I'm interested in planning my own school shooting or something, which is totally false. I've always been interested in true crimes and tragedies. I went through a few Holocaust phases, I went through a serial killer phase, etc. I think a lot of people are like that. Anyway, basically... I'm just obsessed with Columbine right now. I can't stop reading about it. It intrigues me to no end. I find it so interesting because there's SO much background on the killers, there are tons of theories and possible conspiracies, there's so much controversy surrounding the massacre, etc. There is almost TOO MUCH to read on the subject, as I've found out over the past few weeks. :P Really, if there's anything you want to know about Columbine...just ask. I'm sure I could fill you in. ;)

5) I'm overly sensitive and I take everything personally. Even if a close friend is making a joke about me to me, I kind of sit back and examine the joke and I'll end up wondering even hours later if there isn't even just an element of truth behind the joke. I don't really care all that much about what people think of me, but I also don't like knowing that people don't like me or something about me, even though I don't like much of anything about myself anyway. I just strive to be likeable, though not necessarily "popular" or "well-liked."

6) I've started keeping a handwritten journal again. I haven't had one of those since about 2003 or 2004. I started it in mid or late October when I was having all of those massive friend issues, but I've been keeping up with it ever since. It's just a plain green composition notebook. I sometimes write in it during school when I have free time, but I mostly write in it at home. I don't even really know why I have it... It honestly doesn't do much for me, but for some reason I have this weird feeling that I'm writing for an audience. I don't know why it feels that way, but it does. I just feel like I'm writing for an audience, but I've realized that maybe my potential audience is just my future self, since I've always been so incredibly fond of looking back on old memories/writings/pictures. Maybe I just figure that I'll enjoy it someday, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I'd rather be writing and having it actually do something for me...

There! I did it!
I wasn't sure that I could write six things, but I did. It just took me a while. :P

As for tagging six other bloggers...um...well...I don't think I can, really. XD

Decent Week (So Far)

Well, this week has been okay so far.
I've really enjoyed the junior testing. =P

Orchestra kind of sucked this morning.
I'm nervous about the concert.
I feel like I'm getting worse or something.. XD I don't know. I'll have to practice tonight.

December is going to be a good month... Minnehaha, band trip, Christmas... =) I can't wait.

I'm pumped for this weekend.
I don't even know what I'm doing for Halloween. =/ If anything, I guess I could do JCL trick-or-treating, but... I don't know.
Saturday should be pretty nice, though. ;)

I'm going to carve some pumpkins tonight.
=D
I'm excited.

I'm really tired..
I don't know why.

First quarter is almost over.
Wow.
I'm basically 1/4 done with my last year of high school.
That's so... scary... but also really exciting.

I seriously need to start applying to colleges and whatnot.
Ugh.
It's just so... tedious and overwhelming.

ACT

Today I took the ACT for a second time.

I really hope I did better...
I felt like I did better on the English section and maybe the math section, but I kind of fucked up the reading section this time... I think my science score will be roughly the same. My essay was average. I probably got a lower score on that too.

But who knows?
I felt super good about the SAT, but I got my scores back a few days ago....and, well, they're pretty average. Not bad by any means, but not exactly impressive either. That's how the ACT went for me last time, and I'm sure it'll go that way again. I don't know why I always get such lame scores on standardized tests. Meh. I shouldn't worry too much, though.

I just took the most satisfying nap of my life, by the way. x]
It was so good.

I guess that's all.

Great Night =)

I had a state officer meeting that lasted about 2 1/2 hours tonight. It went really well! We got a lot accomplished, and EVERYONE was there. It was just...really good. It made me excited. We're going to save NDJCL. ;)

After that, Liz Reynolds and I hung out til about 1:30, and it was super fun. We might hang out again tomorrow with Dis Kid, but who knows.. XD

I just had a really, really good night...I'm feeling a bit better now. Today helped a lot. It was nice after such a shitty, stressful, upsetting week. Ahhh. I feel slightly relieved, but I'm still feeling pretty stressed and overwhelmed, but I'm trying not to focus on that. :]

It feels good to be writing a positive entry for once!

FINALLY!!

The long weekend is FINALLY here!

I had a good night.

I'm looking forward to a nice weekend.

I should maybe do a little preparation for my ACT retake on Saturday... meh. :/

I'm exhausted, so I'm going to attempt to get some sleep now.

I don't know why I felt like updating. XD

Mediocre Day

Today was a bit better than yesterday, but it still wasn't great.

The band concert went well.

I'm so glad that the weekend is almost over.

I hope I can go to Alexis's party on Friday, but I don't know if I will be able to since I have the ACT the next day... My parents probably won't let me go.

Today I felt so out of it. I was so tired and I just felt strange. I took a long nap after school today, though, and I think that helped a bit.

This long weekend couldn't have come at a better time, honestly. :) I'm so excited for it!

I feel like I should stop talking as much. I'm already pretty quiet in a lot of situations and environments, but I feel like I talk too much in certain situations. I think I'm going to back off a bit. I hope people don't perceive that as moodiness or anything, though, because it's really not. I just have this weird thing where I just don't feel like talking that much.

My hands are really cold and I'm running out of things to write about, so I'll call it a night. I should go do my homework anyway.

I'm Tired of Having Negative Titles...

...so I won't even really title this one, even though it would've had a negative title if I'd titled it.

Today was really shitty...but I'm not even going to get into it. It's not worth rehashing. I had a really horrible day, but hey, it's a short week. Things will only get better.

Our band concert is tomorrow. I'm kind of excited about that. I think it'll go well.
I'm a bit nervous about the orchestra concert in a couple of weeks, though... We're still really shaky on basically everything, but it'll improve---we still have two weeks.

This long weekend will be really nice, I think.
I have a JCL meeting on Thursday night, but I do have the ACT retake on Saturday... Other than that, I'm kind of free. I have a lot of tentative plans with various people, though, so who knows what'll happen with those.

Last night I stayed up really late.
I hope I can get to bed early enough tonight.
I was so damn exhausted earlier, but I just couldn't take a nap...and now I don't feel sleepy anymore. I just feel physically drained.

Is it weird that I'm suddenly like...super interested in Columbine?
I mean, I always knew some stuff about it, but for the past couple of nights I've been reading up on it and watching all these interesting documentaries on YouTube.
It's just so interesting! I don't know!!

Well, I Feel a LITTLE Better

Today I talked to some people and resolved a couple of things. Nothing big, really... just a lot of ongoing miscommunication and misunderstandings. Hopefully things will improve in that aspect of my life. It's looking good. :)

I had a very quiet weekend. Really, that's exactly what I needed, so I'm glad I was able to just take some time to chill and be alone. I did a lot of self-reflection this weekend.

Maybe this sounds like it contradicts itself, but I think that I am a good person... but I don't like myself. I think that I'm friendly, that I'm a good listener and an overall good friend, that I'm somewhat humorous at times, that I'm fairly intelligent, and that I always have good intentions. That sounds like a pretty good person to me. However, I could go on to list a plethora of flaws and problems that I have with myself, but I won't bore you with those since that's not really the point and I don't want this post to reek of self-pity. :P

Basically, I think what I mean is that I know I'm a good person to other people and as a general rule, but when I look inside myself, I don't like what I see.

I hope that one day I'll be able to say that I like myself...and truly mean it. Hell, I hope that one day I can even simply become comfortable with myself. Even that would be progress.

I'm not asking for you to leave me happy comments full of compliments. I'm not fishing for compliments or anything like that. I don't want that. Really, I'm just sharing some of my reflections. People always tell me that they'd wish that I'd open up and share more, so I thought I'd open up a bit here.

Oh well.
I don't really have anything else to say.

Well, I'm in a Bad Mood

Suddenly last night I just was overcome with a horrible mood.

I'm just disappointed with this year so far.
It's turning out to be slightly reminiscent of last year, which, as you should know by now, was a really horrible year for me.

I hardly see any of my 'main' group of friends anymore...partly because I don't have classes with a lot of them...but I've also noticed that they hang out a lot on the weekends and I just wonder like...is there a reason why you didn't call me?

Sure, I suppose I could start calling around to see what everyone's up to, but I find that just weird. What if they really don't want to hang out with me and I'm just making it awkward by calling them to ask them what they're up to? What if they're in the middle of something? I also would feel like I was inviting myself if I started to call people and ask what they're up to, and no one likes that. I mean, it's just weird for me since I'm never the one to make any plans, so I don't know... It's just weird for me to call around.

I've also heard of a lot of shit-talking behind my back, coming from mostly one person in particular, and I really don't appreciate that. If you have a problem with me, I'd prefer it if you'd take it up with me...not everyone ELSE around me.

All of this makes me have some serious doubts about myself.
I don't like myself very much to begin with, but when people who are supposed to be my friends talk shit about me and don't seem to want to hang out with me, it makes me doubt myself even more.
I've always thought that I have a decent personality. I think that I'm really nice, occasionally funny, and fairly intelligent. Sure, I definitely have some flaws too, but overall I think I'm a pretty easy person to get along with, but all of this makes me doubt that and think that I'm annoying, stupid, irritating, etc.

I'm just in a really bad mood...and believe me, this whole friend thing is only a tiny fraction of what's bothering me. I just don't want to talk about any of the other things that are bothering me.

I was really hoping that this year would be super amazing and the best of all time since it's our senior year, but so far it's proven to be rather mediocre. I'd certainly like to change that.

No One's Been Blogging Lately!

...Including myself.

Let's see... This week was okay. It was really busy and long, though. I was exhausted all week. On Friday night, I just went home after hanging around in practice rooms for a couple of hours to watch the season premiere of Degrassi. That's really all I did on Friday. I even went to bed early. I was just so tired.

Yesterday was a pretty good day.

Alec picked me up at like 10:45 in the morning and we went to Dezi's and just...chilled all day, really. It was really nice and relaxing. Very chill.

Alec left at about 6:30 PM or so and a bunch of people came over and we played Pictionary (INTENSE) and watched silly game shows.

All in all, I had an amazing Saturday.
Everything about it was either incredibly chill or incredibly fun. I loved it. Great day. =]

Today I'm going to have to work on my portion of the brain project for psych... I also have some reading to do in 1984. Also, I think I'm going to study some Latin. I feel a little behind...or at least a little rusty.

Sundays are always lazy homework days, but that's okay. I don't really mind.

Things have been good lately.
Overall I've been pretty happy...despite the stress. :P

SAT Saturday

Well, I took the SAT for the first time today.

I was really stressing about it, especially last night, but you know...I think it went pretty well, actually.

To be honest, I thought that it was easier than the ACT.

First of all, there weren't any ridiculous science sections on the SAT, so that was nice.

Secondly, I liked the shorter sections that the SAT has. The ACT just throws a big ol' section at you and it's just...I don't know...a little overwhelming and long, but the SAT is broken up into ten shorter sections (most are 25 minutes long). It starts off with the essay, and then you get alternating Math and English sections. I just really preferred that set-up.

I think that I did pretty well, but I don't want to be too cocky or anything. I'd really regret being so arrogant if I got a pathetic score. I'm pretty sure I did above average, though...at least on the Writing and Reading sections. The average scores are about 500 per section, and I'm sure I did better than that on the Writing and Reading sections. Math wasn't bad---I'm just not all that good at math, so I don't want to make any predictions about that. :P

Anyway...basically, the SAT was a pleasant surprise.
A few people had told me that it was way easier than the ACT, but others told me that it was way harder, so I didn't really know what to expect. I came out of it thinking that it was easier, but who knows... I guess I'll see how I did in a few weeks. :)

Overall I had a pretty good week. The beginning of the week was really great... I just felt really happy. The end of the week became a bit tiring, though.

Hmm...what a relief to be done with the SAT!
I'm going to go do something relaxing now. x]

Not Much

So...I'm still sick. XD
This is so annoying.

Tonight was the JCL movie night.
That was okay.
I hung out with Jared and Nora afterward.
That was nice. =]

I've had a lot of epiphanies about things, people, and life lately.
I feel like I've said that before.

It seems like I haven't seen my 'main group' of friends much at all lately... but maybe that's just because I've been sick? I don't know, but I'm afraid of this turning into a repeat of last year with me not getting invited to anything...but I'll stop talking about that now because I don't want to elaborate any more because I'm most likely just being paranoid and I don't want to piss anyone off.

I can't believe that the weekend's almost over.
Next weekend is the SAT.
I'm so nervous.
I really need to study Sunday-Friday.

I hate how tired of school I already am.
I'm so ready for it to be over.
I don't even really care that much about making the best of this year anymore since I'm just so damn ready for it to be over.
I'm so pumped for college.
I have a really good feeling about it.
Even if I don't get into my top choice east coast school, I'm sure I'll get into at least one decent one.
I'm so ready. =]

Sometimes I look at my friends and try to figure out how I even am friends with them since I'm so bad at making friends.
My social skills are really pathetic sometimes, but I don't really care anymore. They're good enough to the point where I can function well in most social settings, but I'm just... really bad at making conversation for the most point, and I'd kind of like to improve that, but then again, I don't really care that much.

I wonder if I'll actually make any friends in college.
I'd like to think that I'll be able to befriend at least one person, but I don't know... I've pretty much always had help with making friends in the past, so I don't really know how it'll go next year.

Oh well.

All I know right now is that I'm seriously tired of being sick. My throat hurts like a bitch, even though I've been taking my meds exactly as I'm supposed to.

STILL Sick!!!!!!

I've been sick for like... 2 1/2 weeks now. Jeez, that's just a bit EXCESSIVE, don't ya think?

My mom made me go to the doctor today.
They thought I had mono or strep at first, so they took some blood and did a throat culture.
Negative on both; however, they figured out that I had a bad tonsil infection....so now I'm on some nasty pills that make me feel like puking at any given notice, so watch out. ;)

I'm already stressing about all of the make-up work I'm sure I have.
Bleghhh.
I hate making up tests and labs, and I'm pretty sure I have a few of those to make up...

For the past two days, I've really just been unproductive... I've watched a lot of The Sopranos and Hey Arnold. XD It's been nice, though! I miss Hey Arnold.

I got the best piece of mail today. Today I got a big white envelope from the University of Pennsylvania with a big pamphlet on it. I felt special even though I'm really not... x] I'm sure they just sent it out because I'm a high school senior, but WHATEVER. It was so nice because that's my dream school. It has been for a while. I'll never get in, but I can dream. ;)

Well, I ought to go to bed now...
I have to wake up at 6:30 for orchestra.
Can you sense the excitement?
:|

OH MY LORD

I NEED to calm down and stop being so obsessed with the East Coast. It's becoming painfully ridiculous. XD

My weekend was pretty good. Friday's partaaaay was fun even though we could've/should've done more. Saturday was fun too. Sunday was pretty chill.

I joined first period (only on Mondays and Thursdays) orchestra. It's kind of cool. :) I hate waking up at 6:30 though... Anything earlier than 7:00 is just appalling.

I think I should try to stop worrying/anticipating the future so much. I should just enjoy this year while it's here.

Hmm...today in AP Psych, Fisher was talking about this study he read about that people who were surrounded by lots of books as children often do better in college, so I now have a little hope for myself even though I'm really lazy right now, haha.

I don't really have much else to write about... I just felt like blogging.

=)

Average Week

So far it's been a pretty average week.

I stayed home from school on Monday and just watched The Sopranos and slept.
It was nice.
I was really sick, though... My allergies were REALLY bad and I had a cold.

I still feel pretty crappy, but today and yesterday were okay overall.
School's not so bad, really... I just hate starting the day.

In some ways, I'm really really ready to be done with high school. I'm dying to move out to the East Coast. I'm pretty sure my parents are planning on moving back after I graduate. I used to be sad about that because I wanted to stay in Fargo, but now I'm so ready to join them...though they want to move to South Jersey (where my dad is from), and I'd rather move to Philadelphia... but whatever. South Jersey (for the most part) and Philly are like... Fargo and Moorhead, almost. I'm also kind of looking forward to college. I think it'll be a great experience... I just REALLY have NO idea where I want to go. :/

However, in other ways I'm clinging on to high school as tightly as I can.. It's stressful at times, but really, it's not that bad.... I mean, you're still under your parents' roof and all and they're the ones providing for you, so you really don't have to do that much. Also, I like my friend and it'll be really sad to leave them or see them leave (depending on whether I stay in Fargo for college or not). I'd like to think I'll be able to keep in touch with people, but who knows what'll happen...

I feel really old being a senior at school, but I guess if you look at a lifetime, I'm still quite young.

Lately I've just been so paranoid about things. I get these crazy, unnatural fears of like... dropping dead the next day out of nowhere because anything can happen. Obviously if I'm dead I can't have any regrets, but I'm afraid that I won't get to do what I want to do before I die, so I'm trying to make the most of everything these days.

I really ought to get another job. I really don't want one, but I miss the income. I'm always afraid to spend money now even though I have quite a lot saved up... I just need a steady income. However, I need a really flexible weekend job or something because I want to actually be able to do shit this year... It's my last year of high school and I want to do as much with JCL, pep band, Socratic, friends, family, and so on. I don't want to waste all my time working at a job I don't even realllllllly need.

I'm taking the SAT next month. I'm a bit nervous about that. I have to start preparing for that... Oh, and I'm retaking the ACT next month as well. I got a 26, which isn't too bad, but I was hoping for at least a 30, so I hope I can achieve that this time around.

College applications truly scare the living daylights out of me. Actually, I guess they don't even really scare me all that much... Just the thought of college applications gets me really stressed out. I hope I can do well with college apps.

I hope I can stop being so lazy, unproductive, uninspired, and unmotivated. I waste so much time. I'm tired of having so many regrets. I need to just...do more.

I'm really looking forward to this weekend.
Friday should be quite a blast to say the least. ;) Pep band and a partaaaaay at the Leins'. ;)

I really truly sincerely hope that the last two days of the week go by quickly!

Relaxing Weekend? Check

Well, let's just say I did have a relaxing weekend with Nora and Casey last night. ;)

Today I really ought to do some homework or something, though...because I wasn't productive yesterday.

Hmm, this week will be the first full week of school of the year... Can't say that I'm looking forward to that. x]

The weather has been cooling off lately, and I'm really enjoying that. Fall is approaching! :D

Despite it all, I'd have to say that life is good. I don't know, I'm just going to see how everything plays out before making any big decisions or anything...but right now I'm just feeling really chill and optimistic. Things are going to be fine.

I feel like watching some Star Trek now.

Bad Week

I'm not really going to get into it since it's really not worth it, but damn, this week was really bad for a few major reasons..

I am really angry and I think that I have the right to be.
Who knows when I'll be cooled off?
It could take a few more days, or it could take a week.
It's not really something I can predict.
I haven't let it hinder my life, though.

I went to pep band last night and tonight, and that was really fun.
Now that I'm unemployed, I'll finally be able to go to more pep band, so that makes me happy. I love pep band. :) It's a lot of fun... and I just love music. I'm going to buy a new instrument soon. I'm debating between a few...I'm leaning toward a trumpet though. I want to play the trumpet. =)

I hate saying it, but I'm kind of ready for the homework to start piling up now... I don't want to slide by without any/much for too much longer, or else I'll get way too used to it and I won't be able to do my homework once I finally get some.

I still need to study my Latin and practice my flute....oh, and work on the JCL sites. XD
I was so not productive last weekend.

I'm happy that it's the weekend.
I'm getting sick again and I'm really exhausted, so it'll be nice to have a little break.
Hopefully I'll get something done this weekend...but it'll be okay if I don't, I guess...as long as I relax a bit.
I need to learn to relax.
I'm always so uptight, anxious, stressed, nervous, etc.

Right now I'm just ready to graduate.
I want to be done.
I want to move out of Fargo to where I belong---the East Coast, baby. ;)
I miss it so much already. :/

Hmm, I guess I don't have much else to say.
I just felt like blogging a bit.

I CAN RIDE MY BIKE WITH NO HANDLEBARS

Well, the second day of school was better than the first. The first day was really really long. The second day went by a lot faster.

After school I hung out with Alexis and Casey, and then Laura, and then finally Josh Boe. We went to Teaberry at Laura's suggestion because of a live DJ. XD It proved to be very entertaining. I had fun!

Today I really feel like I should be productive. I should study Latin because I have a feeling that I'm incredibly rusty. I don't want to be the worst person in the class.

Also, I feel like I should work on the JCL sites (local and state) since school is starting and people might actually want to look at them.

Thankfully I don't have much homework this weekend. I just have some AP Psych.... I think that's it.

Oh, and I should practice my flute this weekend. I hardly practiced at all this summer. I'm not rusty or anything, really, but I just want to practice a lot for auditions.

I'm really hoping that I'll be productive this weekend.

First Day of Senior Year

So...senior year has begun.

Anatomy -- Well, I like Mr. Larson, I like science, and I have friends (Casey, Dezi, Randi, and Hilary for entertainment) in the class, so I think it'll be a good one.

AP English -- Overall my class is very annoying... but I quite enjoyed Tack today, and I just kind of have a good feeling about the class.

Chemistry -- Since I'm a dumbass, I'm retaking it...with Finny yet again. Thank GOD for Jordan, or else I'd have to be partners with like...Mark Simonson or something. We have Trampoline Boy---along with a lot of other potentially entertaining people---to laugh about, so that should be good!

5th Open -- I spent the time with Dezi...and with other people during their lunch hour. That was fine.

Band -- I was so pumped for band. I hope it'll be a good year... Our band just seems so damn huge this year, though, and I don't know how I feel about that. Oh well. It'll be great regardless. I missed Tessmann.

AP Psychology -- Fisher's funny. My class is kind of stupid, though...but at least I have Randi and Dani. I don't know. I don't really have much of an opinion on this class.

Latin IV -- Ahhh, ending the day with Latin.. :) I love our class. I love Volk. It'll be a good year. I'll miss Latin class so much after I graduate, though. =/ What a sad thought!!

9th Open -- OMG niiiiiice. I like getting out at 2:50. XD I just went to Gloria Jean's with Casey and Alexis, even though Alexis has a 9th period as of yet!

Hmm, overall today just felt...weird.
It didn't feel like the first day of school to me.
It felt very normal...just really boring with first day rules, policies, syllabi, introductions, etc.

I'm really hoping to make this year really count since it's the last year of high school.
JCL is going to take up a lot of my time this year, and that's just fine by me.
I'm also going to do a lot of pep band! I miss pep band.
Also, I'm going to be able to participate in Socratic again this year since I'm unemployed right now. :)

Lunch is all messed up this year. :/
I miss 10th and 11th (especially 11th) grade lunch periods. I liked sitting with a big group.

I can't wait to actually get into a routine.
I hate starting school because everything just feels so new and weird. I prefer to have a set routine.

Hmmm, I should go work on my English poetry shit.
Blahhhh, first day of school and I already have to deal with a poetry assignment. XD
Oh well. That's AP for ya.

At least tomorrow is Friday. :)

I am home.

Well, I'm back to Fargo, unfortunately... =[

I was just on a nice little trip to the East Coast. It was all my uncle Bob's idea. He wanted me to experience the East Coast and spend more time with my East Coast family.

My dad is originally from a town in New Jersey. He met my mother in the '80s through their jobs. Eventually she moved to NJ from ND and they got married. They moved to Fargo to raise me. Anyway.

I spent most of my time in Philadelphia and New Jersey, but I also spent time in New York, Washington D.C., and Delaware.

I hadn't seen some of my relatives on my dad's side in seriously TEN years. It was kind of cool. Actually, I hadn't seen ANY of them in at least ten years. The only one I'd seen more recently was my uncle Bob. He visited Fargo two summers ago. So, really, I hadn't seen two aunts and their husbands, many cousins, and my uncle's partner (Jay) in ten years. I also met two family members for the first time.

I really liked staying with Bob and Jay. They're both really funny, interesting, and knowledgeable. They treat me as an equal instead of as their niece. They are just a lot of fun. I remember this one night I was walking around a part of Philadelphia with them, and Jay was telling me a little something about nearly every building we passed. It was just really interesting. He works at U Penn, so we walked and drove around the campus... It's so gorgeous and HUGE.

I hadn't been to the East Coast in so long.
It was really neat getting a real taste of Philadelphia.
I'm so so SO ready to move there...honestly.
Fargo is a nice city and all, it really is...I'm just really sick of it.
I can't wait to move. I'm doing it. F0 real. I just don't know when.
My parents actually want to move back to NJ after I graduate.

I just love the East Coast.
I could never live in New York, but I could easily live in Philadelphia. I love it. It's so neat. There's so much history there... and there's so much to do.

I want to go back NOW! x]

Human Transformations

I think that people are very fascinating. I may dislike a lot of people and/or their actions, but I find people to be absolutely fascinating. I don't care if this sounds creepy, but sometimes when I'm at places like malls, amusement parks, etc., I find myself just sitting there, people-watching the entire time. I love to observe people. I always have. It's just so entertaining, amusing, and interesting.

Anyway, with that said, I find human transformations to be incredibly interesting as well.
It's so weird/interesting to look back at old school yearbooks from junior high and whatnot to see how much people have changed since then.

A person can change so much in just a few years...or even a few months.
Some people change completely several times in the course of a few years.
Some people don't change at all aside from the inevitable physical changes.

Another thing I really like to do is go on xanga and read old entries of mine and other people.
The xanga I still have dates back to the spring of 7th grade, and I've updated every year since, albeit I don't update much at all anymore.
It's intriguing to see how one matures.

I remember I'd post entries at least once a year, saying something to the effect of, "Oh, I can't believe I used to be like that. I'm so glad I've moved on and matured now. I like my current self better than my past self" and stuff like that, and it's just kind of funny to think that I thought I was matured and done changing for life by, oh, 8th grade...because I'd post another identical entry a year later in 9th grade and 10th grade and 11th grade.

I'd like to think that I'm done changing now for the most part.
I've been how I am now for a couple of years now, and I like how my life is going now.
I like being into the nerdy things in life. I'm glad I'm into things like knowledge, wit, wisdom, science, history, literature, etc. I'm glad I'm not a shallow person in that sense. Still, I hate how lazy I am.

All throughout elementary school, I was a HUGE teacher's pet. I was a major overachiever. I worked hard. Actually, I didn't even need to work hard. I was really smart then and basically everything came to me naturally. I was involved in a lot of things, I loved going to school every day, and I had a lot of friends. I did all sorts of advanced things, too... like in second grade I'd go to a third grade class for English. I also got to read chapter books before anyone else in my grade could. I was just so motivated and determined and I loved everything, even though I really could have been a depressed kid. Most of the bad things that have happened to me in my life happened to me while I was in elementary school.

In junior high, I changed a lot every year.

In 7th grade, I was really quiet, dorky, and nice. I was still really smart and I was still quite the overachiever. I got straight A's in 7th grade and I still participated in a lot of 'extracurricular' activities. I made a ton of new friends that year as well.

8th grade was the first year of big changes. Honestly...to this day, I still do not know what my problem was. I used to think that I just started the year off badly because I wanted to be on the same team as Alec, but really, I had an awesome team with basically all of my other friends, so that couldn't have been the problem. Alec and I broke up later that year anyway, so...yeah.

Anyway, 8th grade. I'd started to get into the whole goth, heavy metal thing pretty early on in the year. I remember during the summer after 7th grade, I kind of wanted to get into the punk thing...but it didn't quite work, so I just did the goth thing in 8th grade.

I still got good grades in 8th grade for the most part. I kind of gave up on math, though, which still kind of affects me today. I also still had plenty of friends in 8th grade, though I can't imagine how I could have possibly kept them since I was so angsty and emo.

8th grade was just a bad, messed up year. I was depressed all the time for no real reason. Nothing overly bad really happened to me that year. I was just pissed off and depressed by my own choice, really. I was a big, whiny cutter that year and it's just... embarrassing and ridiculous now. I can't believe I used to cut every night and do all of this weird shit. It's just hard to even fathom now, since that's so unlike me....for the most part.

I started to improve by 9th grade, however. I was no longer really depressed, but I was just kind of...bitter for the most part. 9th grade was a good year, though. I had a lot of friends, and I kind of rekindled some friendships from 7th grade, so that was cool. I got really good grades that year for the most part and I didn't hate school. I got into JCL more that year too, thankfully! 9th grade was just...kind of a good time. That was the last year that Zena and I were best friends, too...

You know, the big turning point in my life was actually the summer after 9th grade. I went to Nationals for the first time that year and I came back kind of reformed. I was back to my old dorky, nerdy, smart ways. Nationals kind of motivated me again. I was ready to take on the world again. I was ready to cram every bit of knowledge into my head again. It was a good feeling. I felt so amazing after I got back from Nationals that year. I'd made new friends again and I'd learned a lot. It was truly fantastic and I'm so glad I went. I almost didn't go that year, but now I'm beyond grateful that I did. It really helped me. It got me out of that bitter, angry, pissed off rut I'd been in for two years.

Then there was 10th grade. I made new friends yet again, but lost some as well...but you know...that's fine. I lost Zena as a best friend that year, but you know, I'm finally over that. Zena and I are trying again. I think things will be okay. We talked not that long ago and we agreed that it's senior year and that we should stop this bullshit and just be friends again. I doubt we'll ever be best friends again, but that's fine.

Anyway, 10th grade... I got pretty good grades that year and I really loved school for the first semester. 10th grade was just good. I loved my new friends a lot and I actually became a bit social that year. I was still into JCL and I got back into band that year. I don't really have a lot to say about 10th grade. A lot of shit happened, but I didn't really change that much as a person. Oh, and Nationals that summer was absolutely amazing. It was the best that year. There are hardly words for it.

Oooh, 11th grade...another shitty year. 11th grade wasn't as bad as 8th grade, but it's right up there. My grades were bad. I slacked off a lot. I think a lot of it had to do with the stress of my job. Goddamn, I hated Hallmark. :P

11th grade was kind of bad in the friendship department as well... I was excluded from a lot for the majority of the year, and I felt really shitty about everything all year. I was full of self-hatred in 11th grade. I cut again in the spring. I don't fucking know why. It was absolutely ridiculous and I regret it. I was just so angry with myself and my performance in school and with friends that I took it out on myself physically. I just had no motivation or drive anymore. I became lazy. I lost all my focus because I was so angry with myself. I was beating myself up over every little thing that went wrong. I absolutely fucking hated going to school every day. I had to really drag myself out of bed. I begged my mom to let me stay home almost every day. Every once in a while she'd give in, and it was amazing.

I also couldn't sleep at all in 11th grade. I was always exhausted. I've always been a bit of an insomniac...ever since 7th grade, really, but this year was the worst. I'd toss and turn all night, so I just gave up on trying to go to bed at decent hours. I'd start my homework at midnight or 1 in the morning, and I usually wouldn't finish it completely and I'd scramble to get it done during my morning classes.

Overall 11th grade was just...very bad. I fucked up my junior year in many ways, and I regret it. I got bad grades, I let my job affect me too much, my friendships fell apart for most of the year, I hated myself more than I'd ever hated myself before, I was always stressed out and sick, etc. If I could go back and repeat 11th grade, I would. I'd fix it.

Things started to improve by the very end of the year, though... I did okay on my finals, I ran for offices in the JCL (and won!), and I fixed the problems in my friendships to allow myself to have a good summer...and this summer has been pretty good. I finally quit my job, I drank and did a little partying, I hung out with friends a lot, my parents finally let me get my permit, I went to Nationals and had a fan-fucking-tastic time, I got my braces off, I'm going on a family trip next week, I've been doing a lot with the NDJCL already, and so on. It's been a satisfying summer overall.

I'm not really dreading the start of school, but I'm not really looking forward to it either. I had a perfect schedule, but I had some scheduling conflicts and had to drop a couple of classes I was really looking forward to taking. Also, since I just fucking gave up on chemistry last year, I'm retaking it. Yeah, I'm retaking chemistry. That should be a blast. Ugh. I won't let it ruin my year, though... I'm looking forward to band, Latin IV, AP English, AP Psych, Humanities, and Anatomy. Those classes should be good.

Anyway...
That was quite a long blog.
I didn't think that I'd write that much.
I doubt anyone will read the entire thing, and that's okay. I mostly wrote it for myself.

COOL

I HAZ A BLOG NAO?