So...the annual music department trip was this weekend.
It was amazing! I enjoyed every second of it, really. I got to hang out with some people I don't see often enough, and I made a couple of new friends, which was cool.
I miss the trip already and I wish I could do it all over again.
It's sad that I'll never get to go on another high school band trip again... but oh well.
I've been doing a ton of heavy thinking lately. I even discussed some things with my mom. I think I kind of scared her. She probably thinks that I'm going to go kill myself tonight, but I'm not going to. I'm not suicidal at the moment, even though I have been in the past. =P
I've been very nihilistic lately. I just feel like... life is so pointless sometimes. I don't have faith in any sort of deity or religion or anything, so I can't say that "oh, He has a plan for me" and just brush it off. I can't do that. Even if I HAD faith in something, I don't think I could be like that.
I just wonder why I even bother sometimes. I'm a pretty smart person, but I'm lazy. I slack off. I lack drive and motivation. I haven't always been like this, but I have for the past couple of years. I don't really do anything remarkable and I really don't have any passions or talents. I don't care enough about anything, really. Yeah, it kind of sucks, but that's not really the point.
I wonder why I bother. Chances are I'm going to go to an average school and get a mediocre job and live a boring, dull, unstable life, just like most of the world does. I'll probably struggle for most of my life, I'll have financial troubles, I'll have relationship problems, etc....just like everyone else. No one is perfect, even if they do have a really stable job or tons of money or a nice spouse/significant other.
I wonder why I'm going to be willing enough to set msyelf up for a struggle or a mediocre life like that. What's the point? You work hard and maybe a few things go right, but in the end, what's the goddamn point? I don't even care about happiness all that much, so feeling good about myself for a few things that I've done isn't enough to keep me going.
I've realized that, in all of those 'would you rather' questions (like... money vs. love, success vs. happiness, etc.), I always pick the money or the success over the love or happiness. I don't care about the emotions that much. I'm not saying that I don't want to be happy or that I want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I seem to care way more about money, success, status, power, wealth, stability, etc. than anything else. Is that good or bad? I guess it's good in some ways but bad in other ways.
Most people don't get to become what they really want to become. Everyone has high hopes at some point. Everyone wants to be rich and famous or a celebrity or a doctor, lawyer, CEO, whatever. Everyone at some point has a dream like that, but more people fail than succeed.
For a while I really wanted to go to an Ivy League school (U Penn to be exact) and become a doctor. I really wanted that, but I don't think I wanted it enough, because I continued to slack off and not put forth enough effort, so I've given up on that dream, because I doubt I'd make it.
But what now? What do I do now that all of my plans have been destroyed? I'll probably end up staying in fucking Fargo. I'll probably go to NDSU and get some lame degree that I don't care about. Then what? Maybe I'll go to school some more and pursue a field that I have no passion for, or maybe I'll go out and try to get a job that aligns with my degree that I don't care all that much about.
It probably sounds like I'm being overly negative and basically setting myself up for failure, but I'd like to think that I'm being realistic on a level. Most people don't get what they want. Most people don't like their lives very much, but keep on living because they feel obligated to for whatever reason. Most people don't meet all their goals and have all their dreams come true.
I don't know.
I believe in free will and creating your own future, so I'm basically stuck. I wish I could sit around and say that I'm waiting for God to show me the way to the plan he has for me, but I can't because I'm not religious anymore and even when I was religious, I didn't quite believe that God was going to rule my life for me.
I just have a feeling that I'll end up doing things that I don't want to do for the rest of my life because I wasn't able to make my mind up on anything or work hard enough for the real jobs. I don't see myself doing anything very extraordinary. I doubt I'll go to a really good school. Maybe I'll never make it out to Philly like I want to. Perhaps I'll be stuck in Fargo for the rest of my life.
OR... maybe I'll finally find my "thing" and I'll go to a decent school and work hard. Maybe I'll be living in Philly in a matter of a year or two. Maybe I'll be happy and finally like myself.
I don't know. Actually I don't know why I even included that last part. I think I just included it to satisfy the need for a positive ending, but I don't think that there actually IS a positive ending. I'm trying not to be too pessimistic, and I'm sure I sound like some depressed, suicidal freak or something, but I'm not. I'm really not. I'm not going to kill myself...at least not now. I haven't even experienced the 'real world' or adulthood yet, so don't worry. I'm not going to off myself anytime soon...at least not while you know me. :)
3 comments:
"I just wonder why I even bother sometimes. I'm a pretty smart person, but I'm lazy. I slack off. I lack drive and motivation. I haven't always been like this, but I have for the past couple of years. I don't really do anything remarkable and I really don't have any passions or talents. I don't care enough about anything, really. Yeah, it kind of sucks, but that's not really the point."
I feel exactly the same about that. So I mean, as far as that goes... I know exactly how you feel. Like we have all the potential in the world but just no motivation to do anything with it.
Well, here's what I came to think about all this stuff, which has also been my main academic problem:
You have to make a choice. So you've accepted that you lack motivation but not necessarily the dreams. You have to decide how much you care about those dreams and how much you want to get out of here and do something about it. You can choose to just lay back and accept your lack of motivation. That's fine, plenty of people live and die having had lives full of normality. If having a mediocre life would bother you that much, go do something about it. And if you don't care enough to do something about it, you have to accept it and move on.
I think it's a cop-out to think you can't affect the future. And yeah, it is setting yourself up for failure. It's all those cheesy adages--failure is better than not trying at all, if at first you don't succeed, when life gives you lemons. So yes, many people out there don't achieve their dreams. But many more people spend their lives regretting that they never tried.
you dont' sound suicidal to me... i'm having similar thoughts and suicide never came to my mind.
i think part of growing up is realizing that life isn't everything adults always made it out to be.
the really terrifying part is trying to figure out what life IS about- what the point is- and knowing that no one knows the answer, really.
Brie this made me super sad, I almost cried. You may not know what your dream is, but most people don't at this age.
You'll find it when you go to college. I'm sure of it.
You have to keep a positive attitude. If you don't try to achieve your dreams you'll wonder "what if" for the rest of your life.
Giving it your best and knowing that you did all you could is much better than not knowing if you could.
I hope you find some happyness soon. We just need to get out of Fargo. Things will change.
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