Band Trip & Realizations

So...the annual music department trip was this weekend.
It was amazing! I enjoyed every second of it, really. I got to hang out with some people I don't see often enough, and I made a couple of new friends, which was cool.
I miss the trip already and I wish I could do it all over again.
It's sad that I'll never get to go on another high school band trip again... but oh well.

I've been doing a ton of heavy thinking lately. I even discussed some things with my mom. I think I kind of scared her. She probably thinks that I'm going to go kill myself tonight, but I'm not going to. I'm not suicidal at the moment, even though I have been in the past. =P

I've been very nihilistic lately. I just feel like... life is so pointless sometimes. I don't have faith in any sort of deity or religion or anything, so I can't say that "oh, He has a plan for me" and just brush it off. I can't do that. Even if I HAD faith in something, I don't think I could be like that.

I just wonder why I even bother sometimes. I'm a pretty smart person, but I'm lazy. I slack off. I lack drive and motivation. I haven't always been like this, but I have for the past couple of years. I don't really do anything remarkable and I really don't have any passions or talents. I don't care enough about anything, really. Yeah, it kind of sucks, but that's not really the point.

I wonder why I bother. Chances are I'm going to go to an average school and get a mediocre job and live a boring, dull, unstable life, just like most of the world does. I'll probably struggle for most of my life, I'll have financial troubles, I'll have relationship problems, etc....just like everyone else. No one is perfect, even if they do have a really stable job or tons of money or a nice spouse/significant other.

I wonder why I'm going to be willing enough to set msyelf up for a struggle or a mediocre life like that. What's the point? You work hard and maybe a few things go right, but in the end, what's the goddamn point? I don't even care about happiness all that much, so feeling good about myself for a few things that I've done isn't enough to keep me going.

I've realized that, in all of those 'would you rather' questions (like... money vs. love, success vs. happiness, etc.), I always pick the money or the success over the love or happiness. I don't care about the emotions that much. I'm not saying that I don't want to be happy or that I want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I seem to care way more about money, success, status, power, wealth, stability, etc. than anything else. Is that good or bad? I guess it's good in some ways but bad in other ways.

Most people don't get to become what they really want to become. Everyone has high hopes at some point. Everyone wants to be rich and famous or a celebrity or a doctor, lawyer, CEO, whatever. Everyone at some point has a dream like that, but more people fail than succeed.

For a while I really wanted to go to an Ivy League school (U Penn to be exact) and become a doctor. I really wanted that, but I don't think I wanted it enough, because I continued to slack off and not put forth enough effort, so I've given up on that dream, because I doubt I'd make it.

But what now? What do I do now that all of my plans have been destroyed? I'll probably end up staying in fucking Fargo. I'll probably go to NDSU and get some lame degree that I don't care about. Then what? Maybe I'll go to school some more and pursue a field that I have no passion for, or maybe I'll go out and try to get a job that aligns with my degree that I don't care all that much about.

It probably sounds like I'm being overly negative and basically setting myself up for failure, but I'd like to think that I'm being realistic on a level. Most people don't get what they want. Most people don't like their lives very much, but keep on living because they feel obligated to for whatever reason. Most people don't meet all their goals and have all their dreams come true.

I don't know.
I believe in free will and creating your own future, so I'm basically stuck. I wish I could sit around and say that I'm waiting for God to show me the way to the plan he has for me, but I can't because I'm not religious anymore and even when I was religious, I didn't quite believe that God was going to rule my life for me.

I just have a feeling that I'll end up doing things that I don't want to do for the rest of my life because I wasn't able to make my mind up on anything or work hard enough for the real jobs. I don't see myself doing anything very extraordinary. I doubt I'll go to a really good school. Maybe I'll never make it out to Philly like I want to. Perhaps I'll be stuck in Fargo for the rest of my life.

OR... maybe I'll finally find my "thing" and I'll go to a decent school and work hard. Maybe I'll be living in Philly in a matter of a year or two. Maybe I'll be happy and finally like myself.

I don't know. Actually I don't know why I even included that last part. I think I just included it to satisfy the need for a positive ending, but I don't think that there actually IS a positive ending. I'm trying not to be too pessimistic, and I'm sure I sound like some depressed, suicidal freak or something, but I'm not. I'm really not. I'm not going to kill myself...at least not now. I haven't even experienced the 'real world' or adulthood yet, so don't worry. I'm not going to off myself anytime soon...at least not while you know me. :)

LOL @ Minnehaha

Hahaha, I just got back from Minnehaha.

It was hilarious.

The bus kind of sucked, but I sat by some great people.

I made some new friends...some of whom are ultra geeky. I also reconnected with some people I don't get to see often.

My certamen team took third place in our level, haha.

Basically, it was ridiculous but fun at the same time... Latin trips are always enjoyable.

Next week I go on the music trip. That should be fun. A bunch of people who went to Minnehaha are going on the music trip as well, so that's cool.

My uncle Bob and aunt Joyce from South Jersey/Philly flew in today. I'm so happy! I love them. I love my east coast relatives. God, I want them to take me back with them. =P

Stressin'.

Ugh, I'm really stressing out right now about life in general.
Despite all the stress and sleep deprivation, I'm fairly happy, though!

I'm not really stressed about school right now, but I'm stressed about college applications.
I don't want to get teacher recommendations at all.
I seriously don't know which teacher(s) to ask!
The east coast apps are the hardest (big surprise there, haha), but they're the schools that I want the most... but I'll be pissed if I don't get into any of them. :P
I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and get it done on time.

Speaking of the east coast... god, I miss it.
My uncle texted me a bit over the break. I miss him! That's partly what prompted my thoughts of the east coast.

I really hope I get into a school over there so I can spend more time with my uncles. :)

I hope my parents move over there again after I graduate. That'd be great. I've been thinking about it, and jesus, I do not want to be that far away from my parents just yet... Call me needy, pathetic, overly passive, afraid to let go...whatever.

I miss Philly so much right now. =(
I was freaking out about it last night, haha.


(enlarge to completely experience its greatness) <3

Ridiculously Long Week

This week felt so long! I was so happy to see it END.

On Tuesday I ran out and bought Left 4 Dead for Xbox 360. I'd been super pumped about that game for 6-8 months. It's amazing. I haven't had that much fun on a game in ages. If you're thinking about getting it, I'd recommend it. It's super fun. I love it. :)

On Thursday (or, well, technically Friday, I guess) at midnight I saw Twilight with Liz Reynolds. I ran into my cousin Justine there. XD She's pro-Jacob as well, so that's GOOD. ;)

Anyway, Twilight was really really really ridiculous, but the books are ridiculously funny too, so it wasn't really a surprise. I only really read them for the lulz...and for Jacob Black. ;) The movie was really lame, but I enjoyed it a lot anyway for the same reasons why I enjoyed the books.

On Friday I FINALLY got my computer back. They removed a bunch of viruses and detrimental spyware that I wasn't able to get off myself. There were still some problems, so I finally just fully wiped the hard drive clean, and now it's better than ever! Seriously, this is the fastest my computer has been. I'm so in love with it right now. It's so clean and fast. Aww. I love it. It makes me so happy.

Today I actually worked on college applications. Most of mine have really late deadlines (the spring), so I'm not too worried. I'll get it done. I'm not looking forward to getting teacher recommendations, though... Ugh.

I'm ready for this week. I have a feeling that it'll be an okay week. I don't have to be at school early for orchestra tomorrow because we have a night rehearsal. Also, the week is only three days long, with the last day being a Wednesday. It'll be good.

Tired & Stressed

I hate long (a.k.a. normal =P) weeks of school. I'm so ready for next week, haha. After that, I think I only have one full week of school before Christmas because of the Minnehaha Latin trip and the music department trip. =)

School is going well, but I'm really stressed out right now. I'm really stressing about college applications and whatnot, since I'm being really slow. Also, a few of my classes have been a little stressful lately.

I've been sleeping less than usual too. I was so ridiculously tired at school today. I took a little nap after school, though. I think it helped a tiny bit.

I've taken on a new perspective and a new approach with one aspect of my life. So far I think it's going well. I'm happier.

I have a feeling that this is going to be a very loooooooooong week.

Computer Troubles!

For the past few days, my computer has been acting up. I first spotted a problem on either Tuesday or Wednesday night. My computer was freezing at the most ridiculous times and it was just being horribly slow.

Last night after I got home from school, I brought my processor out to the living room. I opened it up and got a can of air to clean it out. After a thorough job of that, I put a new stick of RAM (memory) in, thinking that just might do the trick.

I plugged my computer back in. It worked well for about 30 minutes. After that, it started having the same old problems. I started to realize that it wasn't a matter of simply needing more memory (though it really did need more memory anyway).

After that, I put all of my photos and documents on a 4 GB flash drive for safe keeping. I held the flash drive and I was just like, "....yo, this is my life right here," and it's kind of true, as ridiculous as that sounds.

Anyway, today after school I wiped my hard drive clean. It didn't take long. After I wiped it clean, I had to go through a set-up process. Once I got to the end of the set-up and clicked on the 'finish' button, my computer basically just stopped. It wouldn't go any further. After awhile I restarted it, but the same thing happened.

I decided to go through the recovery process of wiping it clean once again, but I ran into the same problem at the finish button.

Basically, I think the problem is beyond me. I'm pretty sure that my computer has a virus, and I'm almost positive that the virus is more clever than I am, so I'm going to have to take it in to get it fixed on Monday. I hope they can fix it. My hard drive might be pretty ruined, which isn't a big deal since I can just get another one, but I never actually burned the operating system onto CDs when I first got my computer, so...if I -- or the guys who'll fix it on Monday -- can't get the operating system files copied, I'm basically screwed. I'll probably have to get a new computer.

We'll see, though.

For the time being, I'm using an old computer of ours. I hooked it up in my room about an hour ago. It has frickin' Windows ME (Millennium Edition), so it's pretty old, but I shouldn't complain too much... It's better than nothing, and I really have to get some stuff done using a computer this weekend, so... oh well. Like I said, it's better than nothing. I just really miss Windows XP, haha.

I guess that's all for my entry of computer woes... :P

An Argusville Adventure

So...Sunday night, Liz Reynolds and I were just driving around and whatnot and we were out by Harwood when I remembered hearing about people talking about a supposed "haunted school" in Argusville.

We consulted ChaCha and got directions to Argusville from Fargo. We got to Argusville and looked for the school. Since it's a small town, we found it pretty quickly. We wanted to get out and investigate, but it was close to 2:00 in the morning and we weren't prepared at all. Plus...the whole town was just kind of creeping us out.

So, we went home with plans to try it the next night: Monday night.

Liz got to my house at about 9:30 PM. We originally had invited Nora and Phoebe, but we'd learned that neither of them could go. So, we were sitting in my driveway, texting and calling people to see if they could come. We didn't really get any takers, except for when I decided to text Alec. He said he'd come.

We were off to Argusville. We got there with no problem once again. We parked near a field that's by the school, called Bill's field, and we started to walk around the back of the newer/lower part of the school. All of the doors were locked, but there was a window that was completely out, and Alec decided to crawl through it. He got in and opened a door from the inside for Liz and me.

We investigated for about 30-40 minutes. We saw the gym, auditorium, a locker/changing room, the basement and boiler room, some bathrooms, a few classrooms, and some other rooms that really gave no indication of what they were, since there wasn't much for furniture or anything.

We just walked around, looking at things and peeking into rooms with our flashlights. It was pretty interesting, but nothing scary really happened.

We started to head back to where we came in, and we were confronted with some double doors that we hadn't taken yet, so we went through them. However, as we were going through them, we all heard a noise that sounded like a door opening, and we were all afraid that there was an actual person in there, looking to get us into trouble, as there were "NO TRESPASSING" signs all over the building.

After we heard that, we were all kind of freaking out a bit, trying to find a different door out that was close to where the car was parked. We tried one, but it didn't budge. We went back to the area by the gym, which was consequently right by the car, and there was a door that opened. Before that, though, Liz and I swore we heard some really peculiar swooshing or swishing sort of noise that went on for at least 10 seconds. I don't really know what it was. It could've been anything, normal OR paranormal. It was creepy, though.

Eventually we felt like it was safe to leave, so we quickly walked back to the car and hopped in.

So, basically, nothing spiritual or supernatural happened. It was a creepy and fun adventure, though. Someday I think we'll go back with a bigger group to do some real investigating. Tonight we were just kind of scoping things out.

Even though we didn't see any ghosts or hear any voices or anything, it was still fun and exciting. I'd do it again. Next time I want to try to get into the taller, older building, though... I suspect that's where the supposed spirits are, even though everyone always talks about the lower level's auditorium.

It was kind of weird being in an abandoned building that's like...right across the street from people's houses and whatnot. They closed the school down about 10-12 years ago. I don't really know why, but I'm assuming it's because they didn't need or couldn't afford to have a school in such a small town, so they just merged with West Fargo or Casselton or something.

It was just strange walking around that school, thinking that only a decade ago, it was a real school that kids attended. Now it's almost beyond repair, it's such a mess. It could be saved, but almost EVERYTHING would need replacing. It's strange that there's so much damage after only a decade. It's almost kind of sad.

Anyway, that's my story of the long weekend. :P