Basically Done

I am basically done with high school.
I have one final (Latin, of course) and graduation to go through first, but I am basically done.
I'll never attend another day of regular school at North High.
It's very weird, but it hasn't even fully sunk in just yet.
The last day of school was so average. I don't know what I was expecting, but I was expecting it to feel a little different...but it really didn't.
It was just like any other day, but with people going, "Wow, this is my last [insert activity here] ever" all day long.

I'm not looking forward to my open house. I didn't even want to have one, but my parents wanted me to and I just felt obligated to. I'm not excited about it, though.
I hate when everything is about me. I don't like being the focus, the center of attention. It weirds me out. I despise having the spotlight.
I'm awkward enough at other people's open houses. I don't know how I'll be at mine. It's scary. =P

I'm really looking forward to this summer. =]

Senior Dinner

Ahh...the Latin class senior dinner at Volk's was always one of those epic events that was so far off the distance.
Well, we had it tonight and it was a lot of fun. :)
I loved reminiscing with everyone. The stories were great.
My class is awesome.
We're so close.
It's going to be so weird not having Latin anymore with Mr. Volk or with that class. =(
It's sad.
Tonight was really fun, though..
I enjoyed all of the fellowship, stories, and fun. :)
I don't like being older though.
It was more fun to look forward to these sorts of things..

Bonanzaville Extravaganza!

Today I went to Bonanzaville with Josh, Laura, Andrew, and Abby.
It was most excellent.
I love Bonanzaville! I always have.
The old houses and artifacts have always interested me...and I have a weird obsession with the iron lung.
It was great.
I had a really great day.
This weekend in general has just been really great so far, and I'm happy that we have Monday off and then only four days of school...and then I'm done. :] Wow. No finals! AHHH.

I've felt a little less stressed out lately.
I've been getting things accomplished.
School's almost over.
I know I'll find more things to stress out over, however...

I still feel like I've been annoying people, with one person particularly in mind.
It really upsets me.
He just doesn't seem that interested in me anymore, even though I'm supposedly one of his best friends.
We did have a really great/deep conversation on Monday -- and I know this because I saved one of the texts XD -- but that's been it for the past couple of weeks.
He never initiates conversations anymore unless he wants to send me a picture or something.
It's really kind of depressing.
=(
It makes me sad.

I need sleep.
I hardly got any last night because we woke up super early for Bonanzaville and I didn't get to bed until late.
As usual, I hardly had anything to say. xD

Blahhh

I've felt kind of weird again lately. I don't know why, I've just felt like all of my friends are sick of me or something. I'm afraid of getting on people's nerves.

Tonight was the last orchestra concert.
It was fine.
I didn't cry or anything. It wasn't nearly as emotional and/or touching as the band concert was.
Even if I were more attached to orchestra, I don't think I would've cried.
It was just kind of like any old concert.
It went well though.

My mom bought me this mini mouse that plugs into the USB port.
It's the cutest little thing ever.

I desperately need to get some sleep.

Last band concert...

Well.
Tonight was my last high school band concert, and who knows...maybe it was my last band concert ever.
It was amazing. We played so well...
I got really ridiculously emotional at the end, though, and I left rather quickly. I hope I don't regret that later.
I just went home and sat in my backyard and cried for a long time. I'm still kind of sniffling off and on. It's embarrassing, but whatever. It's really emotional.

Tonight when they were reading my senior bio and giving me my pin and picture, Tessmann hugged me and told me all of these nice things. He told me that I was one of his favorites. He said that I was kind of like one of his pets, like a teacher's special pet. It was a very Tessmann thing to say, and I almost started crying right then and there, but thankfully I was able to control myself.
I hate crying in public. I just don't do it.

Even if I continue to play in band or play music, it just won't be the same...
Tessmann is amazing, and there's just nothing like that band.
We've been together for so long..

That was the best concert ever...but it was extremely sad.
I'm going to be really emotional for the rest of the night, I just know it.

Late Nights

I like to stay up late...and sometimes I can't help how late I stay up because I simply can't sleep.
However, I always hate myself in the mornings.
Ugh.
I have to wake up at 6:30...in approximately 5 1/2 hours.
I have to wake up early three times this week for orchestra!

I had a good weekend.
On Friday I had the rest of Latin Days and then Josh, Laura, and I went to Angels & Demons.
On Saturday I relaxed a bit and hung out with Laura and Jared. We watched a sad movie and I was in a bad mood at the end of the night, which I am kind of embarrassed about now because I hate showing that around my friends.
On Sunday Laura and I went to Jocelyn's open house and then we hung out with Josh and Casey.
All in all it was good...except for Saturday late at night. Bah. I hate those random depressing moods.

Right now I'm just practicing my ridiculously hard and high flute parts for orchestra. The concert is on Thursday.
I hope I'm not keeping my parents up.

Two weeks left of school...
Wow.
This is it!

Exhausted

Latin Days was fun.
It made me really ridiculously excited for Nationals... I can't wait! =D
I love Latin events so much...
There's just something about Latin/JCL that makes my life so much better.

I missed the senior retreat today, but I'm okay with that.
Honestly, as I've said before, the only person there I would've enjoyed spending time with is Alec.
There are some other 'school friends' I like, but eh..
It doesn't sound like I missed anything too interesting.
It would've been kind of fun, I guess, but oh well.
I had more fun at Concordia.
I have a much deeper emotional attachment to JCL/Latin than to my grade and school, to be honest...
A lot of my friends are in other grades anyway, so a lot of them were there at Latin Days. =)

Just a couple weeks left... :)

Concordia Latin Days

Well, I am currently at Concordia for Latin Days.
Latin Days is probably one of my least favorite events of the year, but whatever. I wasn't going to skip out on the last one.
Right now Laura and I are just hanging out in our room.
Today was fine.
We watched certamen (or the knowledge bowl or whatever) and it was kind of painful.
Tomorrow is just testing...and more certamen, I think.
It'll be fun though.
I didn't really want to go to the senior retreat anyway.
I think that if I miss anything interesting, Alec will fill me in if I ask. =)
That's about it.
I just like blogging. xD

Overwhelmed

I feel really overwhelmed right now.
There's so much to do before school is out...
I'm stressing out so much right now when I should be relaxing and enjoying the last month of high school.

Concordia Latin Days starts tomorrow.
I don't even like Concordia all that much, but it'll still be fun...and it'll be my last one.
I'll be missing the senior retreat on Friday.
I'm not all that broken up about it.
It doesn't sound like something I'd really enjoy anyway, and the only person who won't be at Latin Days that I care about in my grade is Alec, really.

I don't really have anything interesting to say.
I'm just stressed.
I felt like blogging for some reason.
It's a nice release.
Maybe I'll go to bed early tonight to avoid doing something stupid.

My titles are lame

I'm really glad that I'm starting to read a lot again.
For the longest time, I only read for classes...and even then, I hardly read. Finally I'm reading more for recreation again, which is good. I love to read. :]
The opening of the library helped to inspire me to start reading again, that's for sure.

I love Bill Gates' books. It's so interesting to get direct insight into one of the most successful companies of all time. He is one fascinating man, and he really inspires me. A lot of my current ambition is thanks to Bill Gates (oh, and Steve Ballmer of course!).
People like Bill Gates just amaze me... Those creative people who come up with fantastic, revolutionary ideas far ahead of their time... I wish I could be like Bill!
I really do idolize him, and it's not because he's the richest man in the world. I mean, yeah, I'd like to be somewhat wealthy in the future, but that's a shallow reason. I idolize him because of his intelligence and his skills. If I could have even just 1/50 of his knowledge, I'd be more than content!
I'm so excited to really get into Computer Science. I've been doing a lot at home in my spare time.
Nora gave me the idea to go around to some of the thrift stores and buy some old computers. She said that they're really cheap. That's a great idea. This is going to be so funnnnn. =]

I got my 7th grade letter back today. It's so cute and ridiculous. I was such a dork.
That was a good time in my life, though. I'm not living in the past or anything, but that was a really great time.
I think that's the happiest I've ever been in my life, really... I was just so carefree, I loved my friends, I got great grades even though they didn't matter, etc.
It was so nice being so easily amused. Every little thing was funny and blog-worthy.
It's just cute. I miss it.
7th grade was like...my last really good year, I think. It was the last year before everything kind of went to shit. I liked myself in 7th grade. I really did. I didn't have a care in the world and I had a ton of ambition. Ugh... Even though I was really dorky and spastic, I was really happy and I actually had confidence.
I enjoyed 9th and 10th grade, and this year has been fine, but now there's a ton of stress that accompanies the good times. Back then it was just silly and fun all of the time.

May is going by so quickly...
I'm getting anxious.

dsajlfkds

I feel like I have a hard time letting go of people.
Even after we've both moved on, I just have a really hard time completely letting go... Even if that means that I'm just holding onto old memories.

I made a big list of things to do.
It's quite large, but I've already crossed some things off.
It's satisfying...and it keeps me organized and focused.
I've felt pretty overwhelmed for the past few days, so it has definitely helped.

These last few weeks are going to be hard and stressful.
I feel like there is so much to do before graduation...
Time is running out!

Lately I've been trying to decide if I want to continue band and/or Latin in college.
I'm not really sure... I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
I have to decide by July 8th. That's when I have orientation and registration.
What do you think?

Nostalgia

I've been in a strange mood all weekend long.
My weekend has been really nice, but I've just been in an odd mood.
Yesterday I looked at a bunch of old xangas. I looked at mine and I looked at xangas of some of my old friends from junior high.
I don't know. It's just really weird to finally be moving on from school... I'll be an adult soon and I'll be going to college in a few months.
It's so strange. These sorts of things have always been just in the back of my mind. They've always been "someday."
It's overwhelming.
I'm almost clinging to my last few weeks of high school. I worry that I haven't done enough. I worry that I'm not ready to move on.

Right now I really hope that when I look back on high school in the future that I won't be disappointed. I really hope that I won't have too many regrets.
I feel like I have done enough, though.
I've been very actively involved in a few extracurriculars that mean a lot to me, I've gone to regular school functions, I've taken a lot of varied classes, and I've gotten to know a lot of people of various classes.
Really, the only thing I never did was go to prom. I don't think that I'll regret that, honestly. Prom just isn't something that I'm interested in. I don't like to get dressed up and I don't like to dance. I'm really okay with my decision to not attend.

It's just weird to start to miss something you don't even like.
I don't really like high school, but I know I'll miss it. I'll miss certain things about it, anyway.
I'll miss seeing nearly all of my friends in one place, I'll miss the funny people in classes, I'll miss Mr. Volk and Mr. Tessmann, I will miss North's pep band, I'll miss JCL, etc.
I will not miss the monotony, the stupid people, the boring classes, having a full day every day, and so on.

I do know that my life isn't going to suddenly become amazing once I enter college, but I'm just really excited to have a sort of...fresh start. I need a change of pace. I'm excited....scared but excited.

Graduation is less than a month away.
It'll be weird to finally be IN the ceremony and not in the band... Wow.
I know I'm going to cry. I am positive of that.
I almost cried at last year's graduation and I wasn't even that connected to anyone in that class.

I haven't done anything for a graduation party yet... I don't know. I don't really even want one. I know my parents want me to have one, but I'm not all that interested in having one. I feel like it's kind of pointless. We'll see. I have to figure this out soon, though.

I guess that's all I have to write about.
I'm just in a really strange mood...

WOW, It's May!

Hmmmmmmmm, hi. I haven't blogged in a long time. I just haven't had much to say other than... yo, school is getting on my nerves, I love my friends, I'm depressed, etc. That's probably all of what I'll write about in this blog, just a warning. ;)

Well, things have been all over the place.
The flood was pretty major (but not major enough).

School is so dull and meaningless. I just go from class to class and I don't pay attention. Somehow I get all of my work done, and somehow I'm getting all A's and B's. This is why I don't understand how people can fail easy or "regular" classes... If I can pass AP/"advanced" classes with next to no effort, why can't people pass "regular" classes? I'm not being snooty, I just don't get it. I never turn my work in on time and I NEVER study.

After a long debate between Drexel University and NDSU, I chose NDSU. I'm kind of regretting it, but honestly... Drexel is way more expensive and I haven't prepared at all for that. Also, NDSU has a fine Computer Science program. I just...need more of a plan before I go to Philly because I'm hoping to make that a permanent move, though deep down I feel like I'll move back to Fargo someday anyway. That's beside the point, however. Philly is my goal and I'll make it there someday. There's no rush. Four years isn't even that long of a time, and no one cares where you get your damn undergrad. Honestly. If I work hard and do well while I'm at NDSU, I'll be able to go to a nice East Coast school for grad school. Obviously I was able to get into Drexel with average high school grades, so I think I'll be able to get into a good school out there (OMG U PENN <3) after getting good grades at NDSU. :)

Sometimes I wonder if Computer Science is a good idea. Obviously I'm very interested in it, and obviously I'm dedicated, but I don't know if I'm capable of it. I'm not that smart, I'm terrible at math, I'm lazy, and I procrastinate far too much. I'm so afraid that I'll fail. I don't want to hear any terrible cliches right now ("you can be as good as you want to be," "don't go into it with that attitude," blah blah blah), that's just how I feel. I WILL do it, though... I must.

At some point I want to work for Microsoft. I don't know where, though. I'll be tired of Fargo by then, and I don't really think that the campus here has much that would interest me. I want to develop software...bitchin' software. I don't know.
I guess I don't have to work at Microsoft to have a sweet computer/IT job.
It'd just be really bitchin'...
I. Love. That. COMPANY.
I really do.
It's the best company to have ever been founded, and I will defend it to its or my dying day... whichever comes first... Hopefully mine, for Microsoft must prevail forEVER. ;)

Lately I've been very depressed, and I don't really understand why.
There's really nothing "wrong" with my life right now. I'm doing fine in school, I have great friends, nothing overly bad has happened, etc., but I just feel so incomplete and terrible all of the time.
I think that most of my problems are internal struggles that I can't seem to overcome. I hate myself with a passion. I have for a very long time. I'm having a hard time getting over that. It gets in the way of everything.
I think that I'm a disgusting, ugly, stupid, lazy underachiever. I'm all talk. I'm boring and I have social skills that are lacking. I don't have much to say, and I'm terrible at really talking. I listen well but that isn't always apparent because I'm a terrible conversationalist. I'm not good at anything. I have no particular talents or skills. I am excrutiatingly average. I care but not enough to make changes. I'm just awful and I feel like such a waste of space/time.

I question my friendships all of the time.
I can't imagine how I even have friends...and a fair number of them at that.
There is nothing good about my personality. I'm friendly enough and I'm a good listener, but that's about it. Those are a couple of really good qualities, I guess, but that's IT. I have nothing interesting to say.
I just wonder how there are a number of people out there who want to be my friend.
Obviously there's something about me that isn't too bad, but I don't see it so I always question it.

I feel like I talk about the same things all of the time.
I'm always worried that people will get tired of me.
If I open up, I'm afraid that I'll open up too much and scare people away.
If I stay closed, I'm afraid that people will get frustrated and drift away.
It's hard to decide what to do.
It all feels very black and white.

I guess I've opened up a lot over the past couple of weeks.
To date, I've told six people about my secret. Wow. Six. That almost seems like too many.
The only close people who don't know are my dad, Laura, and Bob (uncle).
I don't know if I'm going to tell them. Maybe, maybe not. I've told enough people, honestly.

When I told Alec, we had the best and deepest conversation we'd ever had. It was amazing...
We had another one a few days ago too, and that was probably even more amazing...but also more depressing.
I had no idea.
He told me so many sad things about himself.
I'm so glad that we're friends again.
We have so much in common...like, a ridiculous number of things in common. We have normal, everyday things in common (interests, hobbies, politics, etc.), but we also have deeper things in common...like, we have the exact same problems. It's ridiculous.

I felt so happy after those talks even though they were very depressing and intense.
It just felt so good to be understood.
Yeah, I've told six people and they've all been rather supportive, but...you know...it's not quite the same as having someone totally understand. He has the background and experience to understand, so it really helps.
I feel a little better about things.
A little less alone now that I have someone to confide in.
I just hope that I don't go running to him for every little thing.
It's very appealing having a person to talk to about your deepest, darkest secrets. It's very satisfying. I just hope that I don't abuse it by talking too much, though I guess he probably wouldn't care all that much. He's very supportive.

I don't know.
My mom really wants me to get help if I can't (well, honestly, it's more like WON'T -- I just don't want to tell her that) stop.
I don't know how I feel about that.
I kind of want to since I feel like I've been in this ridiculous slump for months, and I can't get out of it. I really can't. I'm happy around certain people and while I'm doing certain activities in certain settings, but those moods last for only so long.
I can go from amazingly happy and content with life to depressed and borderline-suicidal all within one day, but it's usually within a couple of days.
I feel great for a few days, but then I return to the terrible feelings.
I don't know why I'm so depressed all of the time.
My life is fine overall.
Sure, I have my problems, but who doesn't?
I haven't been raped, my parents are both alive, I have friends, I have a home, I have money and freedom, etc.
I have all of that good stuff. I have the basic necessities and more. I'm doing okay.
It's not that I'm greedy and that I want more than what I have, I just feel so incomplete all of the time.
I used to think that it was because I wanted a relationship, but I've realized lately that I'm not all that interested in one anymore. It's not a big deal. If it happens, it happens... I'm not going to get all worried about it, though.

I just wish I knew what my problem was.
I've tried to fix myself on my own, but it isn't working.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do now.
I'm getting tired of living like this, but I don't want to ask for help either.
I hate asking for help.
I also would feel stupid for asking for help when there's really nothing outwardly wrong with my life.
Ugh...
I guess we'll see what happens.
Pretty soon my mom is going to make me do something about it, though.
She's at the end of her rope because she doesn't know what to do with me.
I don't know what to do with me.

I guess I should get to bed.
I was staying up while my programs downloaded and installed (programs to code Visual Basic, C++, etc.), but they're done now... also, my Windows updates have been downloaded too.

It felt kind of good to say all of that.
I don't know though.
I still feel like I shared too much.