I Want to Be Bill Gates

I had a really nice spring break.
I didn't sleep much at all during it and I did get sick as a result, but it was great.

I hung out with a bunch of friends and had a good time, and then on Thursday night I had a state officer meeting to do the last-minute planning for state JCL convention. After that was over, Jason came to the FCC and we hung out for a few hours there, just chatting. It was nice.

On Friday and Saturday, I was busy ALL day with state convention.
It was wonderful.
I think it was a success.
We did well with planning it, if I do say so myself.
I loved being an officer.
It was so much fun running around and coordinating everything.
I loved being the tech. coordinator in the back, running back and forth and doing things with computers and projectors and videos.
It was great.
I love my office.

I got really sad on Saturday, though.
My certamen team placed SECOND, which was great, but I got really depressed when Volk started to talk about how he appreciated all of the seniors who'd put so much time into JCL over the years and whatnot.
I almost lost it.
I almost started crying right then and there, but I was able to hold back...mostly because I was on stage and I didn't feel like crying in front of 100 people. =P
It was so sad, though...
JCL is basically my life. It really is.
I don't know what I'm going to do without it.
Of course I'll join the SCL and I'll go to Nationals and maybe come back for state next year if they want my help, but that's really all I'll be able to do, and it's so sad...
SCL just doesn't quite cut it for me. =(

Overall I had a fantastic break.
It was just...wonderful.
The only problem was that it went by FAR too quickly!...and I got sick, I guess.

Lately I've been kind of obsessed with Bill Gates and Microsoft.
On Sunday I tore apart a bunch of computers and played around with all of our old ones (some were from the early '90s!! we have a monitor from 1992!).
I used so many different operating systems on Sunday...
Windows 3.11, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows XP, Windows Vista, and Ubuntu Linux...
It was fun!
I love it. =]
I can't wait to learn more.
Computers are so fascinating.
I love technology.
Overall I think of myself as kind of old-fashioned and conservative, but I am NOT old-fashioned at ALL when it comes to technology.
I am like an old man....except I can't live without technology.
I'm so excited to major in computer science!
It's going to be great.
I'm so happy that I finally have my major figured out.
It'd been stressing me out for a while when I was so unsure.
I don't know when it hit me that computer science is it, but it was great.
It made so much sense.
I've been using computers literally my whole life.
I've had my own computer since I turned eight years old.
I have two computers of my own right now, and that doesn't include my parents' at all.
I've always been good with computers, and now I'm getting even better with the hardware aspect of them. I've always been decent with software, but now I'm getting into the complex stuff.
I've been reading books on programming languages and whatnot a lot lately.
I've done a lot with computers in recent times.
I installed Ubuntu Linux alongside Windows XP on my desktop computer.
It was fun doing a dual boot like that!
I have two operating systems on there now, and I think I'll install even more.
Ahhh... =]

I feel okay right now.
I kind of had a ridiculous, major breakdown like...an HOUR before I left for state convention on Friday. It was terrible...really terrible.
My mom wants me to see a therapist of some sort.
She's really adament about that.
She knows that I'm depressed and that I'm tired of everything and that I've been doing some self-destructive things (again).
It just really hit her on Friday, I guess.
She almost started crying right along with me.
It was really... emotional and weird. It made me feel really uncomfortable.
I don't know about seeing a therapist...
It'd be okay, but I'm scared to open up.
I don't want to look like a freak.
There's a lot more to me than I talk about on here (or anywhere, for that matter).

Anyway, I should get to bed.
I just felt like updating on a few things even though no one reads this, but that's okay. I'm doing it for my own sake. =]

I'm planning on sandbagging tomorrow!
Woot!

I'm At School Right Now

There is so much that I'd like to say and need to say, but I can't bring myself to say it.

I love my friends and I trust them, but I can't seem to open up to them... and that's been a common criticism of my being for years from various people.

I'm always afraid that if I let people in, they'll either get sick of me or they'll not know what to do or say and they'll run away, even if they ARE good friends/people.

It is hard not being able to express what I'm feeling or thinking, though.

It's not like I enjoy being a closed person. It's actually kind of painful sometimes. I have so much bottled up inside of myself all of the time.

As I've said, I do love my friends and I trust them and they're easy to chat with, but I'm still afraid to completely let them in.

I've let Liz Reynolds in the most, I think. She probably knows the most about me right now. I trust her and in this case, I do KNOW that she wouldn't run away or get freaked/weirded out or anything. I know that for a fact, but yet...I STILL can't completely say everything.

I don't necessarily want to tell everything to everyone, but it'd be nice to not have so many secrets.

I've been struggling with some things a lot over the years.

Some of these things are things that I'd quit or thought were behind me, but they're not.

I'm afraid that they'll never be fully behind me.

I spent way too much time thinking yesterday, and it wasn't for the better.

In some ways, I'm not really doing very well right now.

Snow Day!

Well, I honestly didn't care all that much about the potential snow day.
I would've been fine either way.
I WILL enjoy this snow day. =]

I had a good weekend.

On Friday I accidentally fell asleep, so I missed pep band and hanging out with Jared and Laura. XD Oh well.

On Saturday I hung out with Jason and Laura for a bit while we waited for Jared and Aurora to get back from a speech tournament. Then we went to Jason's and watched DEATH NOTE. I love that show. I hate to admit it since it's ANIME, but it's so good. I can't help it. =P

On Sunday I did Ovid with Laura and Jared and Josh Boe was there too. After that, we went to Watchmen, which was AWESOME! It may have been three hours long, but it was seriously sweet. I want to go again.

Today was fine. School was a bit long, I guess, but it was okay. I actually got all of my homework done, so I felt good. After school, Liz and I braved the snowy/icy roads for an hour or two. :]

I'm still trying to decide what I want to do about prom... A lot of people have been bugging me about it lately, trying to convince me to go since I'm a senior and it's my last chance and blah blah blah... but honestly, I'm not interested in going. I don't like to dance and I don't like to dress up. None of my immediate friends are all that interested in going, and there's no way I'd go without them...and I don't think I'll ask anyone and I DOUBT anyone will ask me, so going with a date is ruled out too.

I'm not all that worried, honestly... I just wish that people would quit bugging me about it! I'll figure it out eventually.

High school is almost overrrrrr....kind of. :]
I can feel it ending, and it's so nice.
I'm so ready! AHH.
I'll miss a few things, but I'm so excited to move on.

Right now I'd have to say that I'm in a fairly good place, but I still feel kind of...depressed and nihilistic. I've been in a slump for months now. I can't seem to get out of this rut...

I feel like all of my entries have been the same lately. Oh well. x]

Hmmmmmm

We've been doing a little state planning lately.
I'm kind of excited.
I hope it turns out well.

This weekend was alright.
On Friday night I hung out with just Laura and Andrew.
That was interesting. :)

On Sunday I had lunch and went to the mall with Zena and Hannah.
We hadn't hung out in forever.
It was nice...really nice, actually.
She gave me a really cute, sweet apology for the situation that happened like two years ago.
I apologized for blowing up at her two years ago.
It was nice.
We're kind of getting to be normal around each other again.
I feel bad... She was really fucked over by her last relationship... Like seriously.
I love Zena.
She's happier now, so she's more like her old self again.
She's great. =)

After that, I did Ovid with Jared and Laura at the FCC.
It took so long...but it was nice!

Monday is "Hawaiian Shirt Day" among my friends and their friends, but I have a feeling that it's going to kind of fail.
Oh well.
I'll wear my shirt under my sweatshirt anyway just in case it doesn't completely fail.

Things have been okay lately.
I'm still really really tired of school, and I'm still trying to make decisions about college and whatnot.
I've also been a little depressed off and on, but whatever. Things are good. I love my friends, my grades are good, I've gotten into some colleges, and I'm doing well. :]

I wish I could get over my little crush on a certain someone, however...
It's weird, embarrassing, and really pointless! =P