I suppose I should do one of those blogs to celebrate the end of another school year.

Well, I've officially completed one year of college. It was neither a success nor a failure, really. I felt challenged in some aspects, but I also feel pretty much the same.

Overall it was okay. My grades were okay. My classes were fine. I really loved band. Everything else was average. I feel relieved that the year is over, but on the other hand I don't want to be a sophomore. I already felt ancient being a freshman in college. I can't even imagine how old I'll feel when my sophomore year starts!

College is like...weird. I don't think I like it, to be honest.

I have decided... I am not into the big 'American' college experience. I have tried to be and I have tried to convince myself that I'd like it if only I'd try harder, but it just does not appeal to me.

I have no desire to ever live in the dorms, I don't wish to go to house parties, I don't really want to meet new people, I don't want to join clubs to socialize, etc.

As boring as it sounds (and is, honestly), I am just there to get a degree or two. That's about it. I wish I were more motivated, though. I mean, I say that I am there for academic purposes only, but I am so lazy.

I'm just incredibly introverted. I don't need to have many people in my life to feel fulfilled, and I don't need a lot of contact with those people to feel fulfilled. To be honest, most social interaction just exhausts me. It's just how I am, and I guess that explains why I'm not into the big college thing.

It's probably for the best that I decided to go to NDSU. It really feels like settling, but whatever. I'd probably be a lot more stressed if I'd gone to Drexel because I would've felt more obligated to make friends. At least by staying here I haven't had to go out of my way to talk to people. You could argue that I'm "holding myself back" or something, but honestly I'm doing what I want. I guess it's hard for some people to fathom the idea of being alone or at least quiet/off on your own and liking it, but that's just how I am.. I'm not making excuses. This is just how I am. I'm okay with it.

I always knew that I was introverted and shy, but it has become more and more apparent over the past year. I also have realized that I am really bitter and cynical, but I don't know if I've become more bitter/cynical, or if I've only just realized the extent of it. I don't care for most people, to be honest. I don't feel like going through all of the people in the world in order to find the few that I'd possibly like. I hope I'm not coming off as, like, snooty or arrogant or anything, because I really am not. I don't think that I'm better than anyone else...I just don't really like being around most people. I like my current friends a lot, certainly. I wonder what I'll do after they've all moved on from me.

I hate to say it, but I do still crave a little validation from time to time. I may dislike people and I may not need a lot of contact with people to feel fulfilled, but I still need to be validated a lot. I suppose that has something to do with the whole self-loathing thing.

Um I guess that's all of the self-analysis that I'll subject you to for now. I don't know why I'm still rambling. This isn't interesting.

I think I'm going through my 45783758378537th identity crisis.

Wasted spring break..

I kind of wasted my spring break by doing nothing, but I didn't feel like I was wasting it while it was happening. I only think of it as a waste now that I've stepped back and looked at it. Maybe it wasn't a waste then. It seems like a waste, but I enjoyed myself. I guess it doesn't really matter. It's practically over now.

I didn't do much. I hung out with people a few times, I went to two parties...but I mostly just sat around and watched movies.

I like the internet too much.

I really want it to be summer. I'm tired of school. I'm not really sure what I want. I'm okay with the school that I go to even though it was not my first choice. I think I just don't like college...period. I'm not into the college life, the big college experience. I don't want to be surrounded by people all of the time. I don't want to make a ton of new friends. I don't want to network. I just want to get it over with as swiftly as possible, but on the other hand....being out in the real world scares me too much, so I'm still clinging to school even if I'm not overly fond of it. There have been times lately, though, when I've really wanted to be a real adult with a real job and all of that. Sometimes the utter independence is appealing, but sometimes it really scares me too.

18 is a weird age. I always thought that being 12-14 was weird because it was the transition out of childhood, but I think that the transition into adulthood is even weirder.

I am a passion-less person.

I've realized that I basically lack passion. I don't have a passion for anything...except for maybe sitting around and doing nothing.

There's really nothing that I just love to do. I like to read books, but I don't like to write them. I like to listen to music, but I am not talented/skilled enough to make my own. I like to play video games, but I wouldn't want to design them. I like to watch movies, but I wouldn't want to be involved in making them.

It's kind of frustrating. I like a lot of things, but I don't really like doing a lot of things. I also am not really particularly good at anything. I'm not fishing for compliments or anything...I'm just not overly talented or skilled at anything. I have participated in a lot of things, but I'm pretty mediocre at all of them.

I also really lack passion. I'm not passionate about anything. I thought that I had a passion for computers, but I don't really... I mean, I do...but I mostly just like using them and reading about them. I don't know if I actually like programming them or taking them apart. I do but I don't.

Computer Science has been throwing me for a loop lately. It's been making me very unsure recently. I think I like it... but I don't know. It's pretty hard, and I don't know if I honestly can make myself work hard enough to be successful at it. Sometimes I think about giving up on CS and just majoring in English or something that I know I can handle without a lot of effort.

I hate that I've become so lazy and so...unchallenged. I used to be so studious. I used to be such an overachiever. I used to thrive off of challenges, and now I avoid them at all costs. I hate it.

As a kid I always thought that I'd grow up to be really brilliant and successful. I always thought that I'd go to some impressive college, major in some sort of hard science, and have a good job, and just be really successful. I'm a little disappointed in myself in some ways, but I don't know. I guess people change, whether they want to or not.

I've decided to give it another semester and then I'll think about it over the summer. I really hope that I'll be able to get motivated enough to be successful in Computer Science, because I really do like it and think that it's a good field to be in. I'm actually kind of in love with the idea of being a computer programmer...being someone smart, doing something hard and respectable, etc. It's an impressive profession and I'd kind of like to be an impressive person, but I really just need to get my shit together and get motivated. We'll see.

In other news, I'm pretty much enjoying my second semester so far. I'm taking another programming class, intro to sociology (thrilling), a required wellness class (it's an online class), the Impact of Technology on Society, and BAND!!!!

I'm soooooo happy to be in band again. In high school band - especially senior year - I kind of realized that I'd probably be one of the few to continue band in college. A lot of people were in band in high school for the easy A, because their parents wanted them to, because they liked their friends, etc. There was a handful of people who were really into it though, and I guess I was one of them. There's just something about band that I really love. I know I was talking about being passion-less earlier and it probably sounds like I have a passion for music, but I don't really... I just kind of have a passion for band, haha, but I'm nowhere near talented enough to be a professional musician. I just really like playing in a group. I have it every MWF and it's my last class of the day and it's just such a good stress reliever. I'm not going to get all cheesy on you and say that I express myself through music or whatever, but it's just a good way to relieve stress. I sort of forget about what's stressing me out while I'm in band because I'm just having such a genuinely good time playing with people. I like everything about band this year. The people are cool and pretty skilled, the conductors are great, the music is fun and challenging, etc. I love it and I feel soooo much better having a music class in my day again.

I will close this in saying that I am thrilled about having a snow day!

2010.

Wellllll it's 2010! I'm currently on Christmas break, and I can now say that I've completed one semester of college.

All in all...it was a weird semester. It was close to a failure, I guess. I don't know. I don't really know what I want from college (not including the degree because of course I want that). I don't really know what I want out of the college experience is a better way of putting it. Bleh. I'll have to experiment and see what I like best. I just don't know what I want!

2009 was okay. I don't know. I don't really feel like doing a big recap or anything. It certainly had its ups and downs and all of that. I got to do some cool things this year, and it was rather eventful. I had a lot of fun. I did a lot of thinking (probably too much). I did a lot of procrastinating. I did a lot of nothing (at times).

I'm not making any resolutions for 2010 because I'm tired of making resolutions. If I want to do something, I'll do it...or not. I'm just tired of empty resolutions with no follow-through.

Blahhhhh I don't even feel like writing this blog anymore. I just wanted to write a little something. It's been months! I miss when everyone was into blogging! I liked reading people's blogs.

I don't really know.

I don't really know what I'm doing and I don't really know what I want.

For lots of reasons, I'm very unsure of everything right now.

Also, I wish I could get some damn sleep. Several nights recently it's taken me literally three hours to fall asleep, but 90 minutes to two hours is more normal.

I feel like this is a particularly low point in my life.

I need to figure a lot of things out.

Blah blah blah

I'm so boring.

The other night it literally took me 3 1/2 hours to fall asleep.

I need to stop procrastinating.

I have to write a three-page memoir for English. I'm too boring for memoirs.

I'm killing time until Computer Science at noon.

Mostly I'm looking forward to going home and taking a nap.

I'm wearing a really comfy sweatshirt right now.

A guy just walked into the IACC with some sort of weird hat.

I feel weird and like I'm wasting a lot of time.

It'd be nice if I weren't lacking in motivation so much.

Some days I'd almost rather be a bum than live at home. It's so frustrating.

I'm probably going to be the worst computer programmer ever.

I should probably just give up and change my major.

My eyes are all glazed over.

I'm so goddamn sick of "BTM"! If you don't know what that is, I'm not explaining it... XD

I feel like taking a nap, but I don't really like napping in public places.

Green looks kind of good on me.

I'm running out of random thoughts to write.

This is a lot easier than writing an actual entry.