I'm At School Right Now

There is so much that I'd like to say and need to say, but I can't bring myself to say it.

I love my friends and I trust them, but I can't seem to open up to them... and that's been a common criticism of my being for years from various people.

I'm always afraid that if I let people in, they'll either get sick of me or they'll not know what to do or say and they'll run away, even if they ARE good friends/people.

It is hard not being able to express what I'm feeling or thinking, though.

It's not like I enjoy being a closed person. It's actually kind of painful sometimes. I have so much bottled up inside of myself all of the time.

As I've said, I do love my friends and I trust them and they're easy to chat with, but I'm still afraid to completely let them in.

I've let Liz Reynolds in the most, I think. She probably knows the most about me right now. I trust her and in this case, I do KNOW that she wouldn't run away or get freaked/weirded out or anything. I know that for a fact, but yet...I STILL can't completely say everything.

I don't necessarily want to tell everything to everyone, but it'd be nice to not have so many secrets.

I've been struggling with some things a lot over the years.

Some of these things are things that I'd quit or thought were behind me, but they're not.

I'm afraid that they'll never be fully behind me.

I spent way too much time thinking yesterday, and it wasn't for the better.

In some ways, I'm not really doing very well right now.

Snow Day!

Well, I honestly didn't care all that much about the potential snow day.
I would've been fine either way.
I WILL enjoy this snow day. =]

I had a good weekend.

On Friday I accidentally fell asleep, so I missed pep band and hanging out with Jared and Laura. XD Oh well.

On Saturday I hung out with Jason and Laura for a bit while we waited for Jared and Aurora to get back from a speech tournament. Then we went to Jason's and watched DEATH NOTE. I love that show. I hate to admit it since it's ANIME, but it's so good. I can't help it. =P

On Sunday I did Ovid with Laura and Jared and Josh Boe was there too. After that, we went to Watchmen, which was AWESOME! It may have been three hours long, but it was seriously sweet. I want to go again.

Today was fine. School was a bit long, I guess, but it was okay. I actually got all of my homework done, so I felt good. After school, Liz and I braved the snowy/icy roads for an hour or two. :]

I'm still trying to decide what I want to do about prom... A lot of people have been bugging me about it lately, trying to convince me to go since I'm a senior and it's my last chance and blah blah blah... but honestly, I'm not interested in going. I don't like to dance and I don't like to dress up. None of my immediate friends are all that interested in going, and there's no way I'd go without them...and I don't think I'll ask anyone and I DOUBT anyone will ask me, so going with a date is ruled out too.

I'm not all that worried, honestly... I just wish that people would quit bugging me about it! I'll figure it out eventually.

High school is almost overrrrrr....kind of. :]
I can feel it ending, and it's so nice.
I'm so ready! AHH.
I'll miss a few things, but I'm so excited to move on.

Right now I'd have to say that I'm in a fairly good place, but I still feel kind of...depressed and nihilistic. I've been in a slump for months now. I can't seem to get out of this rut...

I feel like all of my entries have been the same lately. Oh well. x]

Hmmmmmm

We've been doing a little state planning lately.
I'm kind of excited.
I hope it turns out well.

This weekend was alright.
On Friday night I hung out with just Laura and Andrew.
That was interesting. :)

On Sunday I had lunch and went to the mall with Zena and Hannah.
We hadn't hung out in forever.
It was nice...really nice, actually.
She gave me a really cute, sweet apology for the situation that happened like two years ago.
I apologized for blowing up at her two years ago.
It was nice.
We're kind of getting to be normal around each other again.
I feel bad... She was really fucked over by her last relationship... Like seriously.
I love Zena.
She's happier now, so she's more like her old self again.
She's great. =)

After that, I did Ovid with Jared and Laura at the FCC.
It took so long...but it was nice!

Monday is "Hawaiian Shirt Day" among my friends and their friends, but I have a feeling that it's going to kind of fail.
Oh well.
I'll wear my shirt under my sweatshirt anyway just in case it doesn't completely fail.

Things have been okay lately.
I'm still really really tired of school, and I'm still trying to make decisions about college and whatnot.
I've also been a little depressed off and on, but whatever. Things are good. I love my friends, my grades are good, I've gotten into some colleges, and I'm doing well. :]

I wish I could get over my little crush on a certain someone, however...
It's weird, embarrassing, and really pointless! =P

I'm Alright

I'm doing alright.
Last weekend was good -- I spent much of it with the same group of people...plus Josh Boe on his birthday.

This week so far has been really long, oddly stressful, and ridiculously tiring.
I'm exhausted...but I'm okay. =)

Tonight I think I'm going to study some AP Econ with Liz and Noah. We have a test tomorrow. :/

This weekend should be good.
I have a double pep band on Friday and tentative plans on Saturday and Sunday already...and those tentative plans include watching anime at Jason's and doing Ovid with people on Sunday.

I love studying and doing homework with people.
I used to find it so hard to focus on the work with friends, but I'm finding it a lot easier now.
It makes it a lot less painful. :)

I really miss Philadelphia and New Jersey and all of my relatives there right now...
I hope I can make it back there soon.. I also hope that I can move there within four years.
For now, I guess I'll just have to be fine with where I am.

Overall, things are okay right now...despite my nightly episodes of depression and extreme stress. :P

Another Good Weekend

I just feel on top of the world right now.
I always feel like that after a good weekend.

On Friday I hung out with Liz Reynolds, Laura, Andrew, and Dis Kid. We went to the mall and Perkins and drove around a bit.
On Saturday I hung out with Jason, Liz, Laura, and Andrew. Again, we drove around...and just kind of hung out. It was nice yet again.
I think I'm just going to stay home and do homework and chill on Sunday. That sounds nice to me.

I just...actually feel good right now.
It's almost weird, but it's nice.
I love good weekends.
I'm just so happy with my current friends. I can't stress it enough. They don't make me feel worthless and they're all funny as hell. We have good times, even if we're just driving around aimlessly all night...or spending the night at Perkins or something like that.
It's so nice to not feel pressure anymore.
I'm okay with being myself around them.
I don't have to worry about what I'm saying or doing, and I don't have to worry whether or not I'll be invited the next time anymore.
Things are just so real and less petty with them.
Ahhh.. =)
I don't mean to keep talking about it, but I'm just so happy with the aspect of friendship in my life. It's been awhile since I've been this happy with that aspect of my life, so I keep feeling the need to shout it out on the rooftops at all times.
I'll stop now, though. ;)

Worried Sick...Literally

Well, I'm sick today.
I was sick yesterday too, but I went to school.
Today I just... I don't know. I felt worse and I checked the Daily Planner and saw that I wouldn't miss much, so my mom just let me go for it.
I feel kind of dumb for using up one of my days (since I'm trying to be exempt from finals) already, but oh well. What happens, happens.

I probably would've gone to school if I hadn't been so stressed out.

On Sunday night my dad went into the hospital. He's still there. There's a chance that he'll get out today or tonight, though, so that's good.

He'd just been feeling awful all weekend with a migraine that wouldn't go away, and then on Sunday night he checked his blood pressure and it was 2x as high as the severe end of the healthy range, and he started to feel numb and whatnot, so he decided to go to the emergency room.

My mom drove him there and said that she'd call me as soon as she had news, and she didn't call for like...three hours because that's the first chance she had to call me. Needless to say, I was at home all anxious and worried, expecting the worst.
I mean, everything that had been happening to him seemed like either a stroke or a heart attack, so I was just freaking out...and the fact that it took three hours for my mom to call me made me even more nervous.

He's doing okay though.
They've done a bunch of tests on his heart and other organs, along with some brain scans.
So far so good.
It looks like he just has a really bad infection (sinuses and lungs) that hit his bloodstream and just stressed his whole body out.
They're still trying to figure out why he was having heart problems, though - that part isn't making sense to them.

I think he'll be fine...and as I said before, there's a good chance that he'll be coming home today or tonight. :)

I just haven't been that worried and scared in a long time. I did just about everything I could to calm myself down (smoked, drank, cut), but nothing worked until my mom finally called. I feel kind of ashamed, but oh well.

I really thought that he was going to die. His health isn't the best to begin with, and all of that just sounded really bad... and I was getting super depressed because that day, my dad and I had been fighting a lot and being angry with each other, so I was having one of those typical moments of regret, like, wow...what if today was his last day alive? I'd feel like shit for the rest of my life knowing that we were angry with each other on his last day on earth.

I was oddly superstitious that day too. Sunday was apparently the 45th anniversary of the day that my dad's dad died. Also, I'd had a dream over the weekend that my dad had died, which freaked me out to begin with, but freaked me out even more later.

Oh well.
Things are better now.
I feel kind of weird saying all of that on a place that's so public. I don't normally share this much..
In a way, it felt good, but in another way... I don't like being that open.

Great Weekend, Mixed Emotions

So far I've had a really good weekend.

On Friday after school, Liz Reynolds and I left together and just drove around aimlessly as we always do. Eventually we decided to go to Moxie Java with our laptops and do some JCL stuff. After a while, Jason met us there and then we went and picked up Andrew. We were originally going to go to Argusville and go into the school, but in the end, it looked too risky because the town was more JUMPIN' than usual...so we just drove around some more and then went to Wal-Mart just for fun. It was a great night, and we all agreed that it needs to happen more often. :)

Yesterday I didn't do too much, but it was nice. I talked to my brother for the first time in seriously years. It was really weird...but nice at the same time. He's a really nice guy.

Today I'm hopefully going to work on the massive pile of AP Econ that's waiting for me, but who knows... I also have a little Latin to do. Bleh. Homework day. I hate Sundays.

In some ways, lately I've been the happiest that I've been in a long time. I finally feel free of petty friendship "drama" and bullshit because the people I'm close with now are a little more accepting and less two-faced. I've yet to have a problem with any of the people I'm close with now, so that's great. It's really nice. I love my friends. They're hilarious, caring, fun to be around, laidback, intelligent, etc. I could not be happier in that aspect of my life. It feels good to be chill and carefree with friends again. I'd really missed that. :)

However, I've been feeling really depressed at the same time... I haven't felt this shitty in probably my whole life. I had some bad times in 8th and 11th grade, but I feel like this is much worse. I'm not going to elaborate because the last time I did, somebody who read my blog told another friend of mine that I was "suicidal over the weekend," which lead to an embarrassing conversation, so I'm just going to keep my mouth shut because I don't want to deal with that again.

I have never been more ready to graduate in my life. I used to want to cling to every last second of high school, but now I'm just itching to get out. I'll miss some people, but it looks like I'll be sticking around for my time as an undergrad. I don't really want to, but that's the most logical thing for me right now for a lot of reasons. I'll most likely be going to NDSU. I'm thinking about majoring in Computer Science. I'd like to major in Computer Engineering and have a possible minor in Computer Science or something else, but I don't know if I could handle Computer Engineering. I'm excited though...nervous but excited.

Well, that's all for now.
I don't know why I even update this thing anymore. It doesn't do much for me, and I know that only a couple of people read it every once in a while. Eh.