Worried Sick...Literally

Well, I'm sick today.
I was sick yesterday too, but I went to school.
Today I just... I don't know. I felt worse and I checked the Daily Planner and saw that I wouldn't miss much, so my mom just let me go for it.
I feel kind of dumb for using up one of my days (since I'm trying to be exempt from finals) already, but oh well. What happens, happens.

I probably would've gone to school if I hadn't been so stressed out.

On Sunday night my dad went into the hospital. He's still there. There's a chance that he'll get out today or tonight, though, so that's good.

He'd just been feeling awful all weekend with a migraine that wouldn't go away, and then on Sunday night he checked his blood pressure and it was 2x as high as the severe end of the healthy range, and he started to feel numb and whatnot, so he decided to go to the emergency room.

My mom drove him there and said that she'd call me as soon as she had news, and she didn't call for like...three hours because that's the first chance she had to call me. Needless to say, I was at home all anxious and worried, expecting the worst.
I mean, everything that had been happening to him seemed like either a stroke or a heart attack, so I was just freaking out...and the fact that it took three hours for my mom to call me made me even more nervous.

He's doing okay though.
They've done a bunch of tests on his heart and other organs, along with some brain scans.
So far so good.
It looks like he just has a really bad infection (sinuses and lungs) that hit his bloodstream and just stressed his whole body out.
They're still trying to figure out why he was having heart problems, though - that part isn't making sense to them.

I think he'll be fine...and as I said before, there's a good chance that he'll be coming home today or tonight. :)

I just haven't been that worried and scared in a long time. I did just about everything I could to calm myself down (smoked, drank, cut), but nothing worked until my mom finally called. I feel kind of ashamed, but oh well.

I really thought that he was going to die. His health isn't the best to begin with, and all of that just sounded really bad... and I was getting super depressed because that day, my dad and I had been fighting a lot and being angry with each other, so I was having one of those typical moments of regret, like, wow...what if today was his last day alive? I'd feel like shit for the rest of my life knowing that we were angry with each other on his last day on earth.

I was oddly superstitious that day too. Sunday was apparently the 45th anniversary of the day that my dad's dad died. Also, I'd had a dream over the weekend that my dad had died, which freaked me out to begin with, but freaked me out even more later.

Oh well.
Things are better now.
I feel kind of weird saying all of that on a place that's so public. I don't normally share this much..
In a way, it felt good, but in another way... I don't like being that open.

Great Weekend, Mixed Emotions

So far I've had a really good weekend.

On Friday after school, Liz Reynolds and I left together and just drove around aimlessly as we always do. Eventually we decided to go to Moxie Java with our laptops and do some JCL stuff. After a while, Jason met us there and then we went and picked up Andrew. We were originally going to go to Argusville and go into the school, but in the end, it looked too risky because the town was more JUMPIN' than usual...so we just drove around some more and then went to Wal-Mart just for fun. It was a great night, and we all agreed that it needs to happen more often. :)

Yesterday I didn't do too much, but it was nice. I talked to my brother for the first time in seriously years. It was really weird...but nice at the same time. He's a really nice guy.

Today I'm hopefully going to work on the massive pile of AP Econ that's waiting for me, but who knows... I also have a little Latin to do. Bleh. Homework day. I hate Sundays.

In some ways, lately I've been the happiest that I've been in a long time. I finally feel free of petty friendship "drama" and bullshit because the people I'm close with now are a little more accepting and less two-faced. I've yet to have a problem with any of the people I'm close with now, so that's great. It's really nice. I love my friends. They're hilarious, caring, fun to be around, laidback, intelligent, etc. I could not be happier in that aspect of my life. It feels good to be chill and carefree with friends again. I'd really missed that. :)

However, I've been feeling really depressed at the same time... I haven't felt this shitty in probably my whole life. I had some bad times in 8th and 11th grade, but I feel like this is much worse. I'm not going to elaborate because the last time I did, somebody who read my blog told another friend of mine that I was "suicidal over the weekend," which lead to an embarrassing conversation, so I'm just going to keep my mouth shut because I don't want to deal with that again.

I have never been more ready to graduate in my life. I used to want to cling to every last second of high school, but now I'm just itching to get out. I'll miss some people, but it looks like I'll be sticking around for my time as an undergrad. I don't really want to, but that's the most logical thing for me right now for a lot of reasons. I'll most likely be going to NDSU. I'm thinking about majoring in Computer Science. I'd like to major in Computer Engineering and have a possible minor in Computer Science or something else, but I don't know if I could handle Computer Engineering. I'm excited though...nervous but excited.

Well, that's all for now.
I don't know why I even update this thing anymore. It doesn't do much for me, and I know that only a couple of people read it every once in a while. Eh.

Relieved

I feel so much better now that finals are over.

AP English, chemistry, band, AP Psych, and orchestra were all quite easy.
Anatomy was a little hard, but I think I did okay.
Latin was so hard, though... I feel just dead now. I feel like I don't have any brain cells left. I really should have studied harder, but honestly, I did study... I guess I just studied all the wrong things.

Normally I wouldn't really care about not doing all that well, but it's Latin... and I know that Volk takes it really personally, and I'm afraid that I've disappointed him.

Oh well. =/

I'm looking forward to this weekend.

We have a state officer meeting tomorrow. Hopefully we're going to get some state convention planning done.... We really need to get going on that.

Second semester will be okay. I hope it goes by quickly..

Let's Discuss 2008

I'm a tiny bit late on this, but oh well.

2008 is over. We are now in 2009.
Wow, what a great introduction... I'm sure everyone knows that by now.

2008 was a busy, crazy year full of many ups, downs, changes, and so on. A lot happened now that I look back on it. As it was ending, I thought that it had been a pretty lame and not very dynamic year, but now that I think back... A LOT happened.

The year began with the last half of my junior year.
Some good things happened that year, but overall it was a bad year. I hated my job, I hated waking up every day, school sucked, I had CONSTANT bullshit issues with friends, I cut again for the first time in 2 1/2 years (as I mentioned in a blog several months ago), etc. It just sucked all around. If I had the opportunity to go back and change it, I would...but alas, I can't, so I'm not going to dwell on it.

I had a really fantastic summer, though.
I went to Nationals (as always) and loved every second of it.
I also went to the East Coast for about ten days and stayed with my uncles, which was amazing.
Because of that last trip, I've been dying to get out of the Midwest ever since I got back.
All in all, I just had a really great summer. I got to hang out with friends a lot, I got to have some relaxing days off, and I went on two insanely awesome and life-altering trips.

Senior year started in late August. It started off alright, but it took a long time for me to feel like, wow, this is really it... School has really started. I'm a senior now.
I finally feel like a senior now, though.

So far senior year has been okay.
I had some really rocky times shortly after it started, but I've definitely moved past all of that.
I've distanced myself from some people that I used to be really close with, and honestly, I feel much better now, and I'm sure they do too.
I'm glad that I don't have to keep dealing with the same petty problems that I've been dealing with with them for the past year or two. I'm glad that I don't have to feel pressured to call people up all the time. I'm glad I don't feel like shit about myself as much as I used to then.
I just feel a lot better.
I'm glad that I can still be "school" friends with some of those people, though. I don't want any bitterness or awkwardness or tension. I don't know.
Ultimately I'm glad that I decided to give up and distance myself from the old 'group' of friends, because it's been positive for me, and it sounds like they're all doing really well too, so you know... whatever. It worked out for everyone.

Anyway, moving on...

In December I went on two fun trips to the Cities. I went to Minnehaha for Latin and I went to the Cities for the music trip. Both trips were really amazing...especially the music trip. I made some new friends, and they're really neat people that I probably wouldn't have talked to had we not been on the trip together. I'm still talking to these new friends, and it's overall just been really positive.

So... to sum it up...

The beginning of 2008 was terrible.
The middle (being the summer) was incredible.
The beginning of the school year was lackluster and depressing.
The end of the year vastly improved. :)

I still have some things that are bothering me, but overall I feel a lot better.
I'm glad that I've been able to move on from some things, and I'm glad that I've gotten to move on to new things.
I don't know.
I don't feel quite as stressed as I usually do... I'm not so worried about college or my major or anything right now. What will happen will happen. I'm trying to learn how to relax more. I'm trying to come up with better ways to relax myself as well.

I'm really looking forward to 2009.
I have a good feeling about 2009. I really do. I want the rest of this year to go by quickly so I can move on to college. I'm very excited about college. :)

By the way, I typed this blog with my new laptop. ;)
My dog has been nuzzling me and bugging me the whole time. x]

Band Trip & Realizations

So...the annual music department trip was this weekend.
It was amazing! I enjoyed every second of it, really. I got to hang out with some people I don't see often enough, and I made a couple of new friends, which was cool.
I miss the trip already and I wish I could do it all over again.
It's sad that I'll never get to go on another high school band trip again... but oh well.

I've been doing a ton of heavy thinking lately. I even discussed some things with my mom. I think I kind of scared her. She probably thinks that I'm going to go kill myself tonight, but I'm not going to. I'm not suicidal at the moment, even though I have been in the past. =P

I've been very nihilistic lately. I just feel like... life is so pointless sometimes. I don't have faith in any sort of deity or religion or anything, so I can't say that "oh, He has a plan for me" and just brush it off. I can't do that. Even if I HAD faith in something, I don't think I could be like that.

I just wonder why I even bother sometimes. I'm a pretty smart person, but I'm lazy. I slack off. I lack drive and motivation. I haven't always been like this, but I have for the past couple of years. I don't really do anything remarkable and I really don't have any passions or talents. I don't care enough about anything, really. Yeah, it kind of sucks, but that's not really the point.

I wonder why I bother. Chances are I'm going to go to an average school and get a mediocre job and live a boring, dull, unstable life, just like most of the world does. I'll probably struggle for most of my life, I'll have financial troubles, I'll have relationship problems, etc....just like everyone else. No one is perfect, even if they do have a really stable job or tons of money or a nice spouse/significant other.

I wonder why I'm going to be willing enough to set msyelf up for a struggle or a mediocre life like that. What's the point? You work hard and maybe a few things go right, but in the end, what's the goddamn point? I don't even care about happiness all that much, so feeling good about myself for a few things that I've done isn't enough to keep me going.

I've realized that, in all of those 'would you rather' questions (like... money vs. love, success vs. happiness, etc.), I always pick the money or the success over the love or happiness. I don't care about the emotions that much. I'm not saying that I don't want to be happy or that I want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I seem to care way more about money, success, status, power, wealth, stability, etc. than anything else. Is that good or bad? I guess it's good in some ways but bad in other ways.

Most people don't get to become what they really want to become. Everyone has high hopes at some point. Everyone wants to be rich and famous or a celebrity or a doctor, lawyer, CEO, whatever. Everyone at some point has a dream like that, but more people fail than succeed.

For a while I really wanted to go to an Ivy League school (U Penn to be exact) and become a doctor. I really wanted that, but I don't think I wanted it enough, because I continued to slack off and not put forth enough effort, so I've given up on that dream, because I doubt I'd make it.

But what now? What do I do now that all of my plans have been destroyed? I'll probably end up staying in fucking Fargo. I'll probably go to NDSU and get some lame degree that I don't care about. Then what? Maybe I'll go to school some more and pursue a field that I have no passion for, or maybe I'll go out and try to get a job that aligns with my degree that I don't care all that much about.

It probably sounds like I'm being overly negative and basically setting myself up for failure, but I'd like to think that I'm being realistic on a level. Most people don't get what they want. Most people don't like their lives very much, but keep on living because they feel obligated to for whatever reason. Most people don't meet all their goals and have all their dreams come true.

I don't know.
I believe in free will and creating your own future, so I'm basically stuck. I wish I could sit around and say that I'm waiting for God to show me the way to the plan he has for me, but I can't because I'm not religious anymore and even when I was religious, I didn't quite believe that God was going to rule my life for me.

I just have a feeling that I'll end up doing things that I don't want to do for the rest of my life because I wasn't able to make my mind up on anything or work hard enough for the real jobs. I don't see myself doing anything very extraordinary. I doubt I'll go to a really good school. Maybe I'll never make it out to Philly like I want to. Perhaps I'll be stuck in Fargo for the rest of my life.

OR... maybe I'll finally find my "thing" and I'll go to a decent school and work hard. Maybe I'll be living in Philly in a matter of a year or two. Maybe I'll be happy and finally like myself.

I don't know. Actually I don't know why I even included that last part. I think I just included it to satisfy the need for a positive ending, but I don't think that there actually IS a positive ending. I'm trying not to be too pessimistic, and I'm sure I sound like some depressed, suicidal freak or something, but I'm not. I'm really not. I'm not going to kill myself...at least not now. I haven't even experienced the 'real world' or adulthood yet, so don't worry. I'm not going to off myself anytime soon...at least not while you know me. :)

LOL @ Minnehaha

Hahaha, I just got back from Minnehaha.

It was hilarious.

The bus kind of sucked, but I sat by some great people.

I made some new friends...some of whom are ultra geeky. I also reconnected with some people I don't get to see often.

My certamen team took third place in our level, haha.

Basically, it was ridiculous but fun at the same time... Latin trips are always enjoyable.

Next week I go on the music trip. That should be fun. A bunch of people who went to Minnehaha are going on the music trip as well, so that's cool.

My uncle Bob and aunt Joyce from South Jersey/Philly flew in today. I'm so happy! I love them. I love my east coast relatives. God, I want them to take me back with them. =P

Stressin'.

Ugh, I'm really stressing out right now about life in general.
Despite all the stress and sleep deprivation, I'm fairly happy, though!

I'm not really stressed about school right now, but I'm stressed about college applications.
I don't want to get teacher recommendations at all.
I seriously don't know which teacher(s) to ask!
The east coast apps are the hardest (big surprise there, haha), but they're the schools that I want the most... but I'll be pissed if I don't get into any of them. :P
I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and get it done on time.

Speaking of the east coast... god, I miss it.
My uncle texted me a bit over the break. I miss him! That's partly what prompted my thoughts of the east coast.

I really hope I get into a school over there so I can spend more time with my uncles. :)

I hope my parents move over there again after I graduate. That'd be great. I've been thinking about it, and jesus, I do not want to be that far away from my parents just yet... Call me needy, pathetic, overly passive, afraid to let go...whatever.

I miss Philly so much right now. =(
I was freaking out about it last night, haha.


(enlarge to completely experience its greatness) <3