Maybe I should actually use this thing?

I've been going back and rereading this blog, and it's just so weird to read what I wrote in the past. I'm sure when I go back to reread this entry in a year or two, it'll be just as weird. It's just kind of surreal to see how much your perspective changes. You can imagine that you've changed, but it's easier to comprehend it when you have some sort of visualization in front of you.

I'm really grumpy about school this year so far for some reason. I felt so unprepared for it to start, and I'm not really sure why, as it's not like I was overly busy this summer or anything. I need to get over it pretty quickly, though, and just accept it and move on so I can regain lost motivation.

This summer was good and bad. I had too much idle time, probably, but I had a few really noteworthy experiences that I'm happy about. For the most part, though, I did not do very much. I am okay with that, though. I probably won't have many more future opportunities to do that.

This weekend I went on a road trip throughout Minnesota, with the final destination being Duluth, with a few of my best friends, and it was a really wonderful weekend. It was nice to get away for the weekend and just not have anything real to worry about. Everything we saw on the way there was really funny and Duluth itself was really pretty and reminded me of San Francisco. I just felt really good all weekend and when we got back. I'm trying not to let the good feelings fade. That is one of my biggest problems: I can never seem to get good/positive feelings to last for very long. Like, if I'm happy because of an event/person/occurrence, I can't seem to get the happiness to last past the event's expiration.

I've been thinking about my friends a lot lately. I really, really like all of them a lot and hope that we can all still somehow remain friends for a long time. I just worry a lot, though, that they don't want this like I do, and that they won't mind drifting from me, and that they have so many other people in their lives that they couldn't/wouldn't even really miss me. Maybe I'm just overreacting/putting myself down/worrying about nothing like I usually do, but I still can't help but wonder...and worry. I guess I just don't like change.

I probably won't be able to graduate in 2013. Changing my major to something so different has left me with a lot of useless credits as well as a lack of credits in the new major, so I'm starting the whole sequence of psych credits two years late, so I am thinking that I will probably have to graduate in 2014...unless I want to take a lot of summer school and hope that it'll work out, and I don't think I really want to. I honestly don't care very much. I just feel a little dumb about it even though I have a very logical reason for taking five years instead of four. I guess we'll see. As tired as I am of school sometimes, it's also a bit comforting having it.

I really need this week to be over so I can get some sleep!

Oh hi

I always forget about this thing!

I guess I don't have much to say anyway, so it's fine.

School starts up again in just under a week. In some ways I'm ready and rarin' to go, but in other ways I want more time off.

I am about 95% sure that I will be dropping Computer Science as my major. It was my original major and sometime this year I added Psychology. I'm pretty sure that I will just be majoring in Psychology now. Perhaps my minor will be Computer Science or Biology or something along those lines, but I just don't know if I can do the CS major. I want to, but I'm starting to realize that I mostly fell in love with the idea of being a CS major as opposed to actually doing the work that it entails. You know, I really could do it. I could do it easily...but the catch is that I just don't work hard enough. I'm not motivated enough. Math and all of that does not come naturally for me, but if I put forth enough effort, I can definitely do it. As much as I put myself down, I know that I'm not stupid. I know that I'm capable of doing high-level math, logic, computer science, etc., but I'm just so...lazy and unmotivated and nihilistic. I have ambitions but not enough motivation to back them up.

I must say that it really makes me sad to drop CS. When I fill out the form to change my major officially, it'll feel really awful. I know that changing your major is really really ridiculously common. I know that there are a lot of people who change their major several times while they're in college. Nearly everyone at the very least questions their major. I know that this is a very common occurrence and that it's highly normal and all of that, but I still feel really shitty about it. I feel like I've invested a lot into CS already, and throwing all of that away feels bad. In the end, after a TON of reflection (and I mean a TON), I just have concluded that it probably is not for me.

Life is getting pretty real, and I have to say that I'm not quite ready for it.