HELLO, SCHOOL

Why am I so stressed already?! AHHHHHHH!

In Rome's proud steps we're marching on...

Well, I enjoyed Nationals this year!

It started off sort of...rockily (is that a word? omg), but it ended up being rather fun.

Of course I probably would've rather traveled to somewhere and had some fun before or after, but oh well. Hosting it was an interesting change of pace.

I think I want to go next year.

I'd actually like to go for as long as I can.

I'll probably stop going once my friends stop going, but hopefully that won't be for another few years. :]

SCL is infinitely less fun than JCL, but it's still Nationals.

I love the post-Nationals 'rush' I always feel.

I always walk away feeling really inspired and motivated.

It's kind of hard not to when you're around over 1,000 of probably some of the brightest people in the country.

Every other year in the past I've let the inspiration and motivation fizzle out rather quickly, but I hope to not do that this year.

I really miss Latin.

I need to take a Latin class soon...or, at the very least, I need to start studying it on my own again. I don't want to forget everything!

I may not be going into Latin or the Classics or even anything related, but it's not something I want to lose. I'd like to keep it forever.

In other news I turned 19 like a week ago.

I hate it and it feels weird and that's about all I have to say!

School starts up again in a few weeks.

On one hand I'm looking forward to it, but on the other hand I'm really not.

I'm really looking forward to cooler weather.

Summer weather makes me especially lazy and just kind of cranky.

I love fall and winter. I feel like I'm more productive in those seasons too.

I suppose that's all I have to say for now.

I hate warm weather.

I'm already wishing for fall, but then again I don't want this summer to go by too quickly either. I treasure the summers more and more every year that I get closer to real adulthood!

In like three weeks I'll be 19. It's creeping me out. I know that 19 isn't actually 'old' in the grand scheme of things, but it feels old to me. I guess I say something similar with each birthday...

All weekend I have to go to a family reunion/4th of July get together. I'm really not excited. We're leaving in like 7 hours, actually. I hate sitting around with family. I'm not trying to sound all typical angsty teen, but I just...really have nothing to say to anyone. On my mom's side there's really no one in my peer group. I refuse to hang around the babies, but I don't exactly have anything to say to the adults either. It's hard to come up with anything to say when everyone around you is at a completely different point in life...and I suck at making conversation. I anticipate a lot of sitting around on couches, smiling, and waiting for people to ask me about school and comment on how tall I've gotten since the last time they saw me. I guess that's not so bad.

The other night my mom decided to corner me and blow up at me. She lectured me and picked apart all of my flaws for like 2 hours. I still feel really shitty. I'd like to think that I'm pretty aware of most of my flaws, but still...hearing about how pathetic I am the whole night is not exactly my idea of a good time. Maybe I am pathetic. The more I think about it, the more I think it might be true.

I'm pretty excited for Nationals. It feels weird that this will be my fifth convention! I really do sort of miss JCL, though. I can't help but find SCL a little boring...

OMG I'm going to go to bed. I didn't sleep at all last night so I've been awake for ENTIRELY too long now!

Boy it sure is windy out.

I'm not really sure why I made that the title of this blog, but it's making me laugh.

About an hour or so ago I watched this movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112471/

I liked it a lot, surprisingly.

It made me feel really boring and shitty though.

Like...bah. I don't know. I want to do a bunch of interesting things and have a bunch of interesting experiences, and clearly that'll never happen if I continue to hide and keep to myself and stick to only what's familiar, but I still have the desire to do interesting things.

There are a lot of things I want to do, and there are a lot of things I want to change about myself...very badly, but I wonder what it'll take for me to finally change these things or get up and do these things.

I'm pretty sure that MOST people lead boring lives, and most of the people who aren't bored are just easily amused or have resigned themselves to their current lifestyle even if it isn't exactly what they wanted. Most people don't lead legitimately interesting lives.

It is much easier to watch movies, read books, play video games, etc. than it is to really put yourself out there.

While I enjoy doing those things enough, I can't help but want a little more sometimes.

Yeah yeah, I'm only 18, blah blah blah, I should calm down, plenty of time left, whatever. Don't wanna hear it.

I'm still sitting here whining and trying to figure what exactly it is that I want from life. It's mostly just driving me crazy not having a solid sense of direction. I'm just kind of doing some things...you know, going to school, hanging out a bit, etc., but I really am lacking goals right now...at least, I'm lacking specific goals. I have some very vague and broad goals (be successful, get good grades, get a degree, etc.), but I want to figure more things out. I really just feel anxious not knowing what I want.

I hope that anxieties and ridiculous thoughts such as all of these cease at some point. It'd be a real bummer if adulthood is riddled with such atrocious thoughts and worries!

I feel like I'm always complaining or always having some sort of crisis. I probably subconsciously create half of these worries just to keep myself entertained.

Uh I guess that's it. I'm really tired but also I have been in a realllllllly weird and shitty mood all weekend and just sort of felt like writing this.

Yeah so I'm still awake.

I've been listening to a LOT of jazz lately. I think it'd be so cool to be a jazz musician, like, for a living. You'd get to play in a bunch of moody bars, your main audience would be a bunch of stoners and/or pretentious intellectual types, and you'd just be up there on that stage having a blast. Jazz is really difficult, though, and I'm not exactly GROOVY, so it'll never happen. It's fun to think about though.

I have felt really angsty lately. I'm not talking about, like, 13-year-old Slipknot goth sort of angst. I just...I don't know. I've gotten really into nihilism, and I keep questioning the point of everything.

I'm also going through that phase of wondering why I'm even going to college at all because all it means is that I'm paying all of this money so I can become qualified to have a job, and you know, I don't even want a job, and then I'll get that job and spend a while trying to pay all of that loan money back, and what was it all for? A JOB!

I'm sure you know that spiel by now. It's angsty and ridiculous, sure, but I can't help but feel that way a bit.

Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I actually had a real passion or a talent or something. I don't know. Maybe I'd feel like spending all of this time and money would be worth it.

I don't think I'll ever find a job that will satisfy me. I'm just settling for whatever seems convenient or 'right' or most promising.

I've also been reconsidering my politics a bit lately. Well, actually, I mostly just don't know what I think. I used to be pretty right-wing on nearly every issue except for a couple of social issues, but now I'm finding myself being fairly liberal on social issues. I'd like to think that I lean to the right on economic issues, but I'm also realizing that I don't really know as much about economics as I'd like to think that I do, so maybe I should just relax. Maybe I'm a Libertarian. I don't know. There's a bad stigma associated with Libertarianism, and I suppose I can kind of understand it, but at the same time I think I like it. I guess I'll just have to do more reading.

I ought to get a job. I feel like I've done next to nothing all summer long, and it just hit me the other day that the semester ended for me a MONTH AGO!! Christ, what have I been doing?! I did start doing ChaCha guiding, but that's basically nothing. What do I do all day? I don't know. I like bumming around, though...probably too much!

I've been pretty much obsessing over adulthood recently. I can't stop thinking about real adulthood...you know, moving out, having a real job, etc. Hardly any of it sounds appealing, and to be honest I completely lack a strong desire to move out. My parents are actually really great. We get along really well and they pretty much have been letting me do what I want (well, within reason of course!) since I was like 15 or 16. As much as I feel sort of 'trapped' at times, I also feel comfortable with it. I don't like change very much.

I do wonder if I'll ever actually make it out to Philly, or if I will just stay in Fargo for the rest of my life. I absolutely love Philadelphia and at any given time if you were to ask me if I'd rather be in Philly at the moment, I'd pretty much always say yes. I'm just in love with that city for a vast number of reasons. It's just perfect to me. However, it's INCREDIBLY different from Fargo, and even if I don't like Fargo at times, I'm used to it and there are plenty of things to like about it. I sort of like the typical Midwest mindset. Every area has its pros and cons, though, I suppose. I know what to expect from Philly, at least, so if I ever do make it out there, I probably won't be disappointed. I'm afraid of missing Fargo, though. I wish I could just go away and never look back, but I don't think I'll ever be able to do that.

I need to stop staying up so ridiculously late. Man I always do this in the summer. It's ridiculous. I don't know how I'm able to occupy my time for so long. It's silly. I also hate sleeping while it's light out. It just feels gross somehow. I also hate waking up late (even if it's justified for going to bed really late). It just feels pathetic and I hate dealing with my parents making fun of me.

Good lord I've written a lot. I guess that's all I have for now. I think I might start blogging again a bit more. :]

I suppose I should do one of those blogs to celebrate the end of another school year.

Well, I've officially completed one year of college. It was neither a success nor a failure, really. I felt challenged in some aspects, but I also feel pretty much the same.

Overall it was okay. My grades were okay. My classes were fine. I really loved band. Everything else was average. I feel relieved that the year is over, but on the other hand I don't want to be a sophomore. I already felt ancient being a freshman in college. I can't even imagine how old I'll feel when my sophomore year starts!

College is like...weird. I don't think I like it, to be honest.

I have decided... I am not into the big 'American' college experience. I have tried to be and I have tried to convince myself that I'd like it if only I'd try harder, but it just does not appeal to me.

I have no desire to ever live in the dorms, I don't wish to go to house parties, I don't really want to meet new people, I don't want to join clubs to socialize, etc.

As boring as it sounds (and is, honestly), I am just there to get a degree or two. That's about it. I wish I were more motivated, though. I mean, I say that I am there for academic purposes only, but I am so lazy.

I'm just incredibly introverted. I don't need to have many people in my life to feel fulfilled, and I don't need a lot of contact with those people to feel fulfilled. To be honest, most social interaction just exhausts me. It's just how I am, and I guess that explains why I'm not into the big college thing.

It's probably for the best that I decided to go to NDSU. It really feels like settling, but whatever. I'd probably be a lot more stressed if I'd gone to Drexel because I would've felt more obligated to make friends. At least by staying here I haven't had to go out of my way to talk to people. You could argue that I'm "holding myself back" or something, but honestly I'm doing what I want. I guess it's hard for some people to fathom the idea of being alone or at least quiet/off on your own and liking it, but that's just how I am.. I'm not making excuses. This is just how I am. I'm okay with it.

I always knew that I was introverted and shy, but it has become more and more apparent over the past year. I also have realized that I am really bitter and cynical, but I don't know if I've become more bitter/cynical, or if I've only just realized the extent of it. I don't care for most people, to be honest. I don't feel like going through all of the people in the world in order to find the few that I'd possibly like. I hope I'm not coming off as, like, snooty or arrogant or anything, because I really am not. I don't think that I'm better than anyone else...I just don't really like being around most people. I like my current friends a lot, certainly. I wonder what I'll do after they've all moved on from me.

I hate to say it, but I do still crave a little validation from time to time. I may dislike people and I may not need a lot of contact with people to feel fulfilled, but I still need to be validated a lot. I suppose that has something to do with the whole self-loathing thing.

Um I guess that's all of the self-analysis that I'll subject you to for now. I don't know why I'm still rambling. This isn't interesting.

I think I'm going through my 45783758378537th identity crisis.

Wasted spring break..

I kind of wasted my spring break by doing nothing, but I didn't feel like I was wasting it while it was happening. I only think of it as a waste now that I've stepped back and looked at it. Maybe it wasn't a waste then. It seems like a waste, but I enjoyed myself. I guess it doesn't really matter. It's practically over now.

I didn't do much. I hung out with people a few times, I went to two parties...but I mostly just sat around and watched movies.

I like the internet too much.

I really want it to be summer. I'm tired of school. I'm not really sure what I want. I'm okay with the school that I go to even though it was not my first choice. I think I just don't like college...period. I'm not into the college life, the big college experience. I don't want to be surrounded by people all of the time. I don't want to make a ton of new friends. I don't want to network. I just want to get it over with as swiftly as possible, but on the other hand....being out in the real world scares me too much, so I'm still clinging to school even if I'm not overly fond of it. There have been times lately, though, when I've really wanted to be a real adult with a real job and all of that. Sometimes the utter independence is appealing, but sometimes it really scares me too.

18 is a weird age. I always thought that being 12-14 was weird because it was the transition out of childhood, but I think that the transition into adulthood is even weirder.

I am a passion-less person.

I've realized that I basically lack passion. I don't have a passion for anything...except for maybe sitting around and doing nothing.

There's really nothing that I just love to do. I like to read books, but I don't like to write them. I like to listen to music, but I am not talented/skilled enough to make my own. I like to play video games, but I wouldn't want to design them. I like to watch movies, but I wouldn't want to be involved in making them.

It's kind of frustrating. I like a lot of things, but I don't really like doing a lot of things. I also am not really particularly good at anything. I'm not fishing for compliments or anything...I'm just not overly talented or skilled at anything. I have participated in a lot of things, but I'm pretty mediocre at all of them.

I also really lack passion. I'm not passionate about anything. I thought that I had a passion for computers, but I don't really... I mean, I do...but I mostly just like using them and reading about them. I don't know if I actually like programming them or taking them apart. I do but I don't.

Computer Science has been throwing me for a loop lately. It's been making me very unsure recently. I think I like it... but I don't know. It's pretty hard, and I don't know if I honestly can make myself work hard enough to be successful at it. Sometimes I think about giving up on CS and just majoring in English or something that I know I can handle without a lot of effort.

I hate that I've become so lazy and so...unchallenged. I used to be so studious. I used to be such an overachiever. I used to thrive off of challenges, and now I avoid them at all costs. I hate it.

As a kid I always thought that I'd grow up to be really brilliant and successful. I always thought that I'd go to some impressive college, major in some sort of hard science, and have a good job, and just be really successful. I'm a little disappointed in myself in some ways, but I don't know. I guess people change, whether they want to or not.

I've decided to give it another semester and then I'll think about it over the summer. I really hope that I'll be able to get motivated enough to be successful in Computer Science, because I really do like it and think that it's a good field to be in. I'm actually kind of in love with the idea of being a computer programmer...being someone smart, doing something hard and respectable, etc. It's an impressive profession and I'd kind of like to be an impressive person, but I really just need to get my shit together and get motivated. We'll see.

In other news, I'm pretty much enjoying my second semester so far. I'm taking another programming class, intro to sociology (thrilling), a required wellness class (it's an online class), the Impact of Technology on Society, and BAND!!!!

I'm soooooo happy to be in band again. In high school band - especially senior year - I kind of realized that I'd probably be one of the few to continue band in college. A lot of people were in band in high school for the easy A, because their parents wanted them to, because they liked their friends, etc. There was a handful of people who were really into it though, and I guess I was one of them. There's just something about band that I really love. I know I was talking about being passion-less earlier and it probably sounds like I have a passion for music, but I don't really... I just kind of have a passion for band, haha, but I'm nowhere near talented enough to be a professional musician. I just really like playing in a group. I have it every MWF and it's my last class of the day and it's just such a good stress reliever. I'm not going to get all cheesy on you and say that I express myself through music or whatever, but it's just a good way to relieve stress. I sort of forget about what's stressing me out while I'm in band because I'm just having such a genuinely good time playing with people. I like everything about band this year. The people are cool and pretty skilled, the conductors are great, the music is fun and challenging, etc. I love it and I feel soooo much better having a music class in my day again.

I will close this in saying that I am thrilled about having a snow day!

2010.

Wellllll it's 2010! I'm currently on Christmas break, and I can now say that I've completed one semester of college.

All in all...it was a weird semester. It was close to a failure, I guess. I don't know. I don't really know what I want from college (not including the degree because of course I want that). I don't really know what I want out of the college experience is a better way of putting it. Bleh. I'll have to experiment and see what I like best. I just don't know what I want!

2009 was okay. I don't know. I don't really feel like doing a big recap or anything. It certainly had its ups and downs and all of that. I got to do some cool things this year, and it was rather eventful. I had a lot of fun. I did a lot of thinking (probably too much). I did a lot of procrastinating. I did a lot of nothing (at times).

I'm not making any resolutions for 2010 because I'm tired of making resolutions. If I want to do something, I'll do it...or not. I'm just tired of empty resolutions with no follow-through.

Blahhhhh I don't even feel like writing this blog anymore. I just wanted to write a little something. It's been months! I miss when everyone was into blogging! I liked reading people's blogs.