California knows how to party

In a couple of days I will be in California for NATIONALS!
Ahhh, I'm so excited to have a week long break from reality/life...and Fargo...and my house. There aren't really any problems, but it's always so tense and stressful at my house these days. It'll be nice to get away.
I can't wait.
It'll be really good. I just know it.
I'm going to get started on my packing early so I'm not running around at the last minute trying to get things ready....like I always do.
My parents have paid for a lot of it and that makes me feel bad.

I'll be 18 in a day.
I'm not thrilled about that.
There's just something about 'eighteen' that feels so damn old.
Jumping from 17 to 18 seems so huge even though it's obviously only a year.
I'd rather stay 17 even though I hate the number 7.
Oh well.
There's no sense in complaining about things which one has no control over.

Josh gave me Prototype for the 360 today! I really appreciated that! It looks like such a sweet game. I'll have to try to play it before I leave, but if I don't, it'll be one of the first things I do when I get home! =D

There's only about a month left of summer. It has gone by so quickly. I do not like that.

I renewed my permit the other day, ahahahaha.
Honestly though. I don't care. I don't have much of a use for a license. I live close to campus and I don't have the desire to go a lot of places by myself. If I do, I'll walk or take the bus. Basically everything else I do is with friends, and I'm sure they'd rather drive than have me drive anyway because I'm a horrible, self-conscious driver. I'm truly terrible. It's embarrassing. I never thought that I'd ever be this awful.
These days it's just funny that I still only have my permit. I'm almost 18 and I still have my permit and I'm totally cool with that. I'm perfectly comfortable with using other modes of transportation. I don't ask or expect other people to drive me around, so it's not like my lack of a license really hinders anyone anyway.
Driving stresses me out more than I can even express. It scares me to death and I hate it. It's not hard and I know how to do it, but it just genuinely freaks me out. I despise it.
I'm sure I'll eventually get my license, but I'm in no rush right now.

I have been in the strangest mood for the past week or more.
I just feel odd all of the time. It's not necessarily in a bad or a good way. It's just...weird. I don't get it.
I've been flying off the handle a bit lately too. I have such a bad temper. You'd never realize it because I'm really calm and seemingly tolerant when I'm around people, but man, I have the worst temper. Every little thing pisses me off until I just explode when I get home. I hold it all in until I get back to the privacy of my own home.

I think that there are a lot of things that I do or think or feel when I'm alone to my thoughts that would surprise people who know me or see me. I mean, I've shared some things with some of my friends, but I think that it's probably still difficult to imagine me doing such things.
I think that I come off as a fairly level-headed, laidback, logical, rational sort of person. Maybe I'm really off on that, but I think that's how I carry myself out in public. Subdued, quiet, and logical. However, I do some of the dumbest, most illogical, and often impulsive things behind closed doors. It's a little ridiculous.
Today I was told that something that I do is disturbing. I'd never thought of it in that way, but maybe it is. Hmm.
I can never talk about things in person. I am so timid and soft-spoken that I can never speak up and talk about things, even when I'm asked...which I was today. I just find it really uncomfortable and I don't want to make others feel uncomfortable and I don't want to put a damper on the mood, so I keep my mouth shut.
Maybe I should say more.
I don't know.
It's just comfortable for me to avoid questions and to change subjects.
I'm not proud of who I am or what I do. In fact I'm rather ashamed of myself most of the time. I don't like acknowledging that.

I haven't been quite as depressed lately, which is good... I've just been feeling very odd, as I said before. It's weird in that I can't tell if it's good or bad.
I've felt really hopeless though.

Oh well.
It'll be nice to get all of this shit off of my mind for a week.
NATIONALS!
=)