Late-Night Revelations....

I've been sitting here listening to music and just thinking for a while.
It sounds so cliche and lame, but whatever.
It's actually been...really helpful.
I've come to some conclusions that I like.
They make me feel...okay.

In my last entry I was all concerned and regretful about telling people so much about myself.
I still feel like that, but eh, I'm getting over it.
It's fine. Whatever. I was trying out the whole 'open' thing. I tried it, didn't like it, and I'm learning from it.

My parents have been wanting me to 'seek help' a lot lately.
They really wanted me to go for it, but I've always been skeptical/nervous...not opposed, however.
I was really considering it for a while, mostly to make everyone else around me happier/relieved and because I thought that it might be a little interesting.

I've thought about it a lot tonight, though.
I'm not going to do it, and I'm pretty set in that.

I'm fine with how I am. It's just how I am. I've always been like this in a sense.
I'm alright. I'm not much of a threat to myself, and even if I am, what's it matter? It's my own personal problem that's no one else's business and no one else should get to have a say.

Right now I'm just feeling like...a lot (not all, but most) of my problems come from within and/or are rather self-inflicted.
It's, in a sense, my own doing, so I think that I should have to deal with fixing it (or not -- it's my choice) on my own.
If I want to make changes or "fix" myself, then I will.
If I don't want to, then I won't.
As long as I'm not a threat to anyone else, I don't see it as anyone else's business...and I don't even mean "business" in the sense that people are nosy or anything. I just mean that people shouldn't worry themselves over it.

I think that it's nice that my friends worry about me and care about me, I really do. You have no idea how much I appreciate that. I have some really ridiculously amazing friends. I truly appreciate everything that they've done for me.
However...
I really don't WANT them to worry.
I have everything under control.
I may go a little crazy sometimes or do things that seem like I'm out of control, but I'm not.
I have everything under control.
I'm fine.
The only person who should have to put up with my shit is myself.
No one else should have to worry or concern themselves with my stupid internal issues with myself. I have tons of them and the only person who can fix them is myself.
I've had some great conversations from people and my friends have given me great advice, but it doesn't actually help. I feel happier momentarily and I appreciate it, but it won't fix things. I hate to say that, but it's true.

Basically...
I just don't want people to worry.
I'm going to do what I'm going to do. I've always been like that anyway. I just want to make that clear.
I'm not going to accept any help because the only person who can fix whatever's wrong with me is myself.
Maybe I'll never fix it, or maybe I'll fix it tomorrow.
Who knows?
I just don't want anyone to worry or think about it.
I'll be fine.
Really.

Having some 'gretz

Summer has been good so far.
I miss Laura.
I've been having fun though.
Things have been okay I guess.

I'm really irritated with myself though.
I've had a lot of mopey days.
It's a bit ridiculous.
I'm getting tired of talking... just in general. I really am. I'd rather listen.
It takes a lot of energy to not speak, but sometimes I feel like my talk is all idle so I shouldn't be speaking anyway.

I really regret telling people my secrets.
My friends are great and all, but I just...really regret it.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
I feel so hopeless.

I graduated

Today was super busy, stressful, overwhelming, tedious, etc...but it also turned out to be really fun and enjoyable.

Everything leading up to graduation and to my open house was very stressful and I just wanted everything to be over.

The actual graduation ceremony was fine. I mean, it was about what I'd expected... I've been to the past three graduations for band, so there was really nothing new and there weren't any real surprises. The speeches were fine, the slideshow was good, etc. The only difference this year was that I was marching and that I got an envelope at the end.

Everyone says that if it doesn't hit you on your last day of high school that it'll hit you when you walk across the stage to receive your diploma. Well, it didn't hit me there either. It has yet to sink in that I am done with high school, North High, seeing the class of 2009, etc. Like, I realize all of this, but it just hasn't hit me yet. I don't think it'll hit me until the first day of college. Even though I have my diploma in an envelope on my desk next to me, I still feel like I'll be going back to North after the summer....just like I've been doing for the past few years. It's very strange.

My open house was actually rather successful, I'd say.
I was so worried that it'd be a big boring failure, but I think that it went pretty well. It seemed like people had fun and stuff...so that's good. It also seemed fairly well-attended, which made me happy. I was a little worried since there were tons of other open houses that day as well.
I really did have a lot of fun.
I stressed out way too much... Now all of my friends can (and have been already...) say "I told you so!"
I'm just very happy with how it went. :)

The all-night party was also a little better than I'd expected. I mostly spent it with Laura, Alec, and Angela...and a bit with Dezi, Alexis, and Casey. It was fun enough. :)

Overall it was a very good day.

I want to thank all of my friends. I just read all of my cards and they're all lovely. They all made me smile. Also, it was cool/nice of everyone to stay for so long. :)

Now that all of that is over and done with, I need to get a job...

But for now I just need to get some sleep. :P
I have to try to make it to Zena's birthday, Dezi's open house, and to hang out with Bob. I really want to hang out with him. I hardly saw him today, and he got in late last night. :(

Today's the day

Well I'm graduating today.
I just want this day to be over already.
Graduation will be long and boring, and I'm dreading my open house.
Ughhh...
I'll try to make the best of it, though.
I still have a lot to do, so this is a short one.

Latin final

The Latin final was good.
It was pretty easy, and we got to work on the translations as a group. :)
The beginning of the period was so nice...
We watched part of The Emperor's Club (as we always do) and Volk read a bunch of cute inspirational quotes and we had some gelato.
When he was reading the quotes and saying nice things to us/wishing us well, he got all choked up, so then I did too... It was sad. =(
I'm going to miss that class a lot. We've been together for five years..
I'll never forget my times in Latin and JCL. They were some of the best, and I wish I could have more.

Graduation rehearsal is today, and I'm not looking forward to it.
It's going to be so boring. I've already been to it three times in my life for band.
It kind of sucks to already be sick of graduation when I haven't even graduated yet, but oh well.

High school is over for real now, and it is so weird.
There are really only three things I'll miss: band with Tessmann, Latin/JCL/Volk/my class, and seeing the same people every day.
Aside from those things, I'm thrilled to be moving on..

WTF is my problem?

Sometimes I wonder WTF my problem is.
My life isn't perfect or anything and I have been dealt with my fair share of problems over the years, but it's not horrible either.
I have good friends, I've gotten a decent education, I'm fairly intelligent, I have a good family, I have all of the basic necessities, I have some luxuries, I'm going to go to college next year, I'm healthy enough, etc.
But yet I feel awful more often than the average person should...
The majority of my problems come from within, and then I just feel stupid and whiny for having said problems in the first place, and then I get even more upset.
I don't know what my deal is.
I obviously can't seem to handle things in life very well/easily/healthily.
I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to function in the "real world."
Maybe I'm just immature... I don't know. Dard suggested that to me once which pissed me off, but maybe she's right. Maybe I'm just immature/childish/naive.
I always thought that I was fairly mature, but maybe I'm not.
There are a lot of changes that I need to make...mostly changes in attitude/perspective.
I also need a little motivation. I'm certainly not lacking in ambition, but I'm really lacking in motivation.

Well there's my entry for the night.
I have my Latin final at 8. =/

Open Housing

I've been to six open houses so far, and I still have a bunch more that I'm probably going to go to.
I honestly don't really like going to open houses.
It's nice to see people and to look at the pictures that they have out (if they do) and all, but I always feel so awkward just standing around.
I especially feel awkward if I mostly just know the person whose open house it is, because you can't hog them and talk to them the whole time -- they have a whole room full of people to talk to.
Laura's was the best because she's one of my best friends and I knew most of the people there. Zena's was good too because I just talked to Tessmann, Zena, her sister, her parents, and Antoine. It was nice.
Everyone else's has proven to be a little awkward in some ways.

I'm not looking forward to mine at all.
I didn't even want to have one, but my parents were pestering me about it and I just felt obligated to for a lot of reasons.
I don't like having everything being about me. It makes me uncomfortable to be in the spotlight. I don't want a day dedicated to me. Honestly.
I don't know what I'm expecting from my open house either...
Really, I don't expect (or even want) a TON of people to show up, but I hope that it's fairly active. Mine is on the 6th, though, so everyone's going to be really busy that day, so I'd understand.... Ahhh.

I'm just really nervous, and Dard won't get off my back about everything.
It's stressing me out, and I didn't even want one! =(