Human Transformations

I think that people are very fascinating. I may dislike a lot of people and/or their actions, but I find people to be absolutely fascinating. I don't care if this sounds creepy, but sometimes when I'm at places like malls, amusement parks, etc., I find myself just sitting there, people-watching the entire time. I love to observe people. I always have. It's just so entertaining, amusing, and interesting.

Anyway, with that said, I find human transformations to be incredibly interesting as well.
It's so weird/interesting to look back at old school yearbooks from junior high and whatnot to see how much people have changed since then.

A person can change so much in just a few years...or even a few months.
Some people change completely several times in the course of a few years.
Some people don't change at all aside from the inevitable physical changes.

Another thing I really like to do is go on xanga and read old entries of mine and other people.
The xanga I still have dates back to the spring of 7th grade, and I've updated every year since, albeit I don't update much at all anymore.
It's intriguing to see how one matures.

I remember I'd post entries at least once a year, saying something to the effect of, "Oh, I can't believe I used to be like that. I'm so glad I've moved on and matured now. I like my current self better than my past self" and stuff like that, and it's just kind of funny to think that I thought I was matured and done changing for life by, oh, 8th grade...because I'd post another identical entry a year later in 9th grade and 10th grade and 11th grade.

I'd like to think that I'm done changing now for the most part.
I've been how I am now for a couple of years now, and I like how my life is going now.
I like being into the nerdy things in life. I'm glad I'm into things like knowledge, wit, wisdom, science, history, literature, etc. I'm glad I'm not a shallow person in that sense. Still, I hate how lazy I am.

All throughout elementary school, I was a HUGE teacher's pet. I was a major overachiever. I worked hard. Actually, I didn't even need to work hard. I was really smart then and basically everything came to me naturally. I was involved in a lot of things, I loved going to school every day, and I had a lot of friends. I did all sorts of advanced things, too... like in second grade I'd go to a third grade class for English. I also got to read chapter books before anyone else in my grade could. I was just so motivated and determined and I loved everything, even though I really could have been a depressed kid. Most of the bad things that have happened to me in my life happened to me while I was in elementary school.

In junior high, I changed a lot every year.

In 7th grade, I was really quiet, dorky, and nice. I was still really smart and I was still quite the overachiever. I got straight A's in 7th grade and I still participated in a lot of 'extracurricular' activities. I made a ton of new friends that year as well.

8th grade was the first year of big changes. Honestly...to this day, I still do not know what my problem was. I used to think that I just started the year off badly because I wanted to be on the same team as Alec, but really, I had an awesome team with basically all of my other friends, so that couldn't have been the problem. Alec and I broke up later that year anyway, so...yeah.

Anyway, 8th grade. I'd started to get into the whole goth, heavy metal thing pretty early on in the year. I remember during the summer after 7th grade, I kind of wanted to get into the punk thing...but it didn't quite work, so I just did the goth thing in 8th grade.

I still got good grades in 8th grade for the most part. I kind of gave up on math, though, which still kind of affects me today. I also still had plenty of friends in 8th grade, though I can't imagine how I could have possibly kept them since I was so angsty and emo.

8th grade was just a bad, messed up year. I was depressed all the time for no real reason. Nothing overly bad really happened to me that year. I was just pissed off and depressed by my own choice, really. I was a big, whiny cutter that year and it's just... embarrassing and ridiculous now. I can't believe I used to cut every night and do all of this weird shit. It's just hard to even fathom now, since that's so unlike me....for the most part.

I started to improve by 9th grade, however. I was no longer really depressed, but I was just kind of...bitter for the most part. 9th grade was a good year, though. I had a lot of friends, and I kind of rekindled some friendships from 7th grade, so that was cool. I got really good grades that year for the most part and I didn't hate school. I got into JCL more that year too, thankfully! 9th grade was just...kind of a good time. That was the last year that Zena and I were best friends, too...

You know, the big turning point in my life was actually the summer after 9th grade. I went to Nationals for the first time that year and I came back kind of reformed. I was back to my old dorky, nerdy, smart ways. Nationals kind of motivated me again. I was ready to take on the world again. I was ready to cram every bit of knowledge into my head again. It was a good feeling. I felt so amazing after I got back from Nationals that year. I'd made new friends again and I'd learned a lot. It was truly fantastic and I'm so glad I went. I almost didn't go that year, but now I'm beyond grateful that I did. It really helped me. It got me out of that bitter, angry, pissed off rut I'd been in for two years.

Then there was 10th grade. I made new friends yet again, but lost some as well...but you know...that's fine. I lost Zena as a best friend that year, but you know, I'm finally over that. Zena and I are trying again. I think things will be okay. We talked not that long ago and we agreed that it's senior year and that we should stop this bullshit and just be friends again. I doubt we'll ever be best friends again, but that's fine.

Anyway, 10th grade... I got pretty good grades that year and I really loved school for the first semester. 10th grade was just good. I loved my new friends a lot and I actually became a bit social that year. I was still into JCL and I got back into band that year. I don't really have a lot to say about 10th grade. A lot of shit happened, but I didn't really change that much as a person. Oh, and Nationals that summer was absolutely amazing. It was the best that year. There are hardly words for it.

Oooh, 11th grade...another shitty year. 11th grade wasn't as bad as 8th grade, but it's right up there. My grades were bad. I slacked off a lot. I think a lot of it had to do with the stress of my job. Goddamn, I hated Hallmark. :P

11th grade was kind of bad in the friendship department as well... I was excluded from a lot for the majority of the year, and I felt really shitty about everything all year. I was full of self-hatred in 11th grade. I cut again in the spring. I don't fucking know why. It was absolutely ridiculous and I regret it. I was just so angry with myself and my performance in school and with friends that I took it out on myself physically. I just had no motivation or drive anymore. I became lazy. I lost all my focus because I was so angry with myself. I was beating myself up over every little thing that went wrong. I absolutely fucking hated going to school every day. I had to really drag myself out of bed. I begged my mom to let me stay home almost every day. Every once in a while she'd give in, and it was amazing.

I also couldn't sleep at all in 11th grade. I was always exhausted. I've always been a bit of an insomniac...ever since 7th grade, really, but this year was the worst. I'd toss and turn all night, so I just gave up on trying to go to bed at decent hours. I'd start my homework at midnight or 1 in the morning, and I usually wouldn't finish it completely and I'd scramble to get it done during my morning classes.

Overall 11th grade was just...very bad. I fucked up my junior year in many ways, and I regret it. I got bad grades, I let my job affect me too much, my friendships fell apart for most of the year, I hated myself more than I'd ever hated myself before, I was always stressed out and sick, etc. If I could go back and repeat 11th grade, I would. I'd fix it.

Things started to improve by the very end of the year, though... I did okay on my finals, I ran for offices in the JCL (and won!), and I fixed the problems in my friendships to allow myself to have a good summer...and this summer has been pretty good. I finally quit my job, I drank and did a little partying, I hung out with friends a lot, my parents finally let me get my permit, I went to Nationals and had a fan-fucking-tastic time, I got my braces off, I'm going on a family trip next week, I've been doing a lot with the NDJCL already, and so on. It's been a satisfying summer overall.

I'm not really dreading the start of school, but I'm not really looking forward to it either. I had a perfect schedule, but I had some scheduling conflicts and had to drop a couple of classes I was really looking forward to taking. Also, since I just fucking gave up on chemistry last year, I'm retaking it. Yeah, I'm retaking chemistry. That should be a blast. Ugh. I won't let it ruin my year, though... I'm looking forward to band, Latin IV, AP English, AP Psych, Humanities, and Anatomy. Those classes should be good.

Anyway...
That was quite a long blog.
I didn't think that I'd write that much.
I doubt anyone will read the entire thing, and that's okay. I mostly wrote it for myself.