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I feel like I have a hard time letting go of people.
Even after we've both moved on, I just have a really hard time completely letting go... Even if that means that I'm just holding onto old memories.

I made a big list of things to do.
It's quite large, but I've already crossed some things off.
It's satisfying...and it keeps me organized and focused.
I've felt pretty overwhelmed for the past few days, so it has definitely helped.

These last few weeks are going to be hard and stressful.
I feel like there is so much to do before graduation...
Time is running out!

Lately I've been trying to decide if I want to continue band and/or Latin in college.
I'm not really sure... I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
I have to decide by July 8th. That's when I have orientation and registration.
What do you think?

Nostalgia

I've been in a strange mood all weekend long.
My weekend has been really nice, but I've just been in an odd mood.
Yesterday I looked at a bunch of old xangas. I looked at mine and I looked at xangas of some of my old friends from junior high.
I don't know. It's just really weird to finally be moving on from school... I'll be an adult soon and I'll be going to college in a few months.
It's so strange. These sorts of things have always been just in the back of my mind. They've always been "someday."
It's overwhelming.
I'm almost clinging to my last few weeks of high school. I worry that I haven't done enough. I worry that I'm not ready to move on.

Right now I really hope that when I look back on high school in the future that I won't be disappointed. I really hope that I won't have too many regrets.
I feel like I have done enough, though.
I've been very actively involved in a few extracurriculars that mean a lot to me, I've gone to regular school functions, I've taken a lot of varied classes, and I've gotten to know a lot of people of various classes.
Really, the only thing I never did was go to prom. I don't think that I'll regret that, honestly. Prom just isn't something that I'm interested in. I don't like to get dressed up and I don't like to dance. I'm really okay with my decision to not attend.

It's just weird to start to miss something you don't even like.
I don't really like high school, but I know I'll miss it. I'll miss certain things about it, anyway.
I'll miss seeing nearly all of my friends in one place, I'll miss the funny people in classes, I'll miss Mr. Volk and Mr. Tessmann, I will miss North's pep band, I'll miss JCL, etc.
I will not miss the monotony, the stupid people, the boring classes, having a full day every day, and so on.

I do know that my life isn't going to suddenly become amazing once I enter college, but I'm just really excited to have a sort of...fresh start. I need a change of pace. I'm excited....scared but excited.

Graduation is less than a month away.
It'll be weird to finally be IN the ceremony and not in the band... Wow.
I know I'm going to cry. I am positive of that.
I almost cried at last year's graduation and I wasn't even that connected to anyone in that class.

I haven't done anything for a graduation party yet... I don't know. I don't really even want one. I know my parents want me to have one, but I'm not all that interested in having one. I feel like it's kind of pointless. We'll see. I have to figure this out soon, though.

I guess that's all I have to write about.
I'm just in a really strange mood...

WOW, It's May!

Hmmmmmmmm, hi. I haven't blogged in a long time. I just haven't had much to say other than... yo, school is getting on my nerves, I love my friends, I'm depressed, etc. That's probably all of what I'll write about in this blog, just a warning. ;)

Well, things have been all over the place.
The flood was pretty major (but not major enough).

School is so dull and meaningless. I just go from class to class and I don't pay attention. Somehow I get all of my work done, and somehow I'm getting all A's and B's. This is why I don't understand how people can fail easy or "regular" classes... If I can pass AP/"advanced" classes with next to no effort, why can't people pass "regular" classes? I'm not being snooty, I just don't get it. I never turn my work in on time and I NEVER study.

After a long debate between Drexel University and NDSU, I chose NDSU. I'm kind of regretting it, but honestly... Drexel is way more expensive and I haven't prepared at all for that. Also, NDSU has a fine Computer Science program. I just...need more of a plan before I go to Philly because I'm hoping to make that a permanent move, though deep down I feel like I'll move back to Fargo someday anyway. That's beside the point, however. Philly is my goal and I'll make it there someday. There's no rush. Four years isn't even that long of a time, and no one cares where you get your damn undergrad. Honestly. If I work hard and do well while I'm at NDSU, I'll be able to go to a nice East Coast school for grad school. Obviously I was able to get into Drexel with average high school grades, so I think I'll be able to get into a good school out there (OMG U PENN <3) after getting good grades at NDSU. :)

Sometimes I wonder if Computer Science is a good idea. Obviously I'm very interested in it, and obviously I'm dedicated, but I don't know if I'm capable of it. I'm not that smart, I'm terrible at math, I'm lazy, and I procrastinate far too much. I'm so afraid that I'll fail. I don't want to hear any terrible cliches right now ("you can be as good as you want to be," "don't go into it with that attitude," blah blah blah), that's just how I feel. I WILL do it, though... I must.

At some point I want to work for Microsoft. I don't know where, though. I'll be tired of Fargo by then, and I don't really think that the campus here has much that would interest me. I want to develop software...bitchin' software. I don't know.
I guess I don't have to work at Microsoft to have a sweet computer/IT job.
It'd just be really bitchin'...
I. Love. That. COMPANY.
I really do.
It's the best company to have ever been founded, and I will defend it to its or my dying day... whichever comes first... Hopefully mine, for Microsoft must prevail forEVER. ;)

Lately I've been very depressed, and I don't really understand why.
There's really nothing "wrong" with my life right now. I'm doing fine in school, I have great friends, nothing overly bad has happened, etc., but I just feel so incomplete and terrible all of the time.
I think that most of my problems are internal struggles that I can't seem to overcome. I hate myself with a passion. I have for a very long time. I'm having a hard time getting over that. It gets in the way of everything.
I think that I'm a disgusting, ugly, stupid, lazy underachiever. I'm all talk. I'm boring and I have social skills that are lacking. I don't have much to say, and I'm terrible at really talking. I listen well but that isn't always apparent because I'm a terrible conversationalist. I'm not good at anything. I have no particular talents or skills. I am excrutiatingly average. I care but not enough to make changes. I'm just awful and I feel like such a waste of space/time.

I question my friendships all of the time.
I can't imagine how I even have friends...and a fair number of them at that.
There is nothing good about my personality. I'm friendly enough and I'm a good listener, but that's about it. Those are a couple of really good qualities, I guess, but that's IT. I have nothing interesting to say.
I just wonder how there are a number of people out there who want to be my friend.
Obviously there's something about me that isn't too bad, but I don't see it so I always question it.

I feel like I talk about the same things all of the time.
I'm always worried that people will get tired of me.
If I open up, I'm afraid that I'll open up too much and scare people away.
If I stay closed, I'm afraid that people will get frustrated and drift away.
It's hard to decide what to do.
It all feels very black and white.

I guess I've opened up a lot over the past couple of weeks.
To date, I've told six people about my secret. Wow. Six. That almost seems like too many.
The only close people who don't know are my dad, Laura, and Bob (uncle).
I don't know if I'm going to tell them. Maybe, maybe not. I've told enough people, honestly.

When I told Alec, we had the best and deepest conversation we'd ever had. It was amazing...
We had another one a few days ago too, and that was probably even more amazing...but also more depressing.
I had no idea.
He told me so many sad things about himself.
I'm so glad that we're friends again.
We have so much in common...like, a ridiculous number of things in common. We have normal, everyday things in common (interests, hobbies, politics, etc.), but we also have deeper things in common...like, we have the exact same problems. It's ridiculous.

I felt so happy after those talks even though they were very depressing and intense.
It just felt so good to be understood.
Yeah, I've told six people and they've all been rather supportive, but...you know...it's not quite the same as having someone totally understand. He has the background and experience to understand, so it really helps.
I feel a little better about things.
A little less alone now that I have someone to confide in.
I just hope that I don't go running to him for every little thing.
It's very appealing having a person to talk to about your deepest, darkest secrets. It's very satisfying. I just hope that I don't abuse it by talking too much, though I guess he probably wouldn't care all that much. He's very supportive.

I don't know.
My mom really wants me to get help if I can't (well, honestly, it's more like WON'T -- I just don't want to tell her that) stop.
I don't know how I feel about that.
I kind of want to since I feel like I've been in this ridiculous slump for months, and I can't get out of it. I really can't. I'm happy around certain people and while I'm doing certain activities in certain settings, but those moods last for only so long.
I can go from amazingly happy and content with life to depressed and borderline-suicidal all within one day, but it's usually within a couple of days.
I feel great for a few days, but then I return to the terrible feelings.
I don't know why I'm so depressed all of the time.
My life is fine overall.
Sure, I have my problems, but who doesn't?
I haven't been raped, my parents are both alive, I have friends, I have a home, I have money and freedom, etc.
I have all of that good stuff. I have the basic necessities and more. I'm doing okay.
It's not that I'm greedy and that I want more than what I have, I just feel so incomplete all of the time.
I used to think that it was because I wanted a relationship, but I've realized lately that I'm not all that interested in one anymore. It's not a big deal. If it happens, it happens... I'm not going to get all worried about it, though.

I just wish I knew what my problem was.
I've tried to fix myself on my own, but it isn't working.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do now.
I'm getting tired of living like this, but I don't want to ask for help either.
I hate asking for help.
I also would feel stupid for asking for help when there's really nothing outwardly wrong with my life.
Ugh...
I guess we'll see what happens.
Pretty soon my mom is going to make me do something about it, though.
She's at the end of her rope because she doesn't know what to do with me.
I don't know what to do with me.

I guess I should get to bed.
I was staying up while my programs downloaded and installed (programs to code Visual Basic, C++, etc.), but they're done now... also, my Windows updates have been downloaded too.

It felt kind of good to say all of that.
I don't know though.
I still feel like I shared too much.

I Want to Be Bill Gates

I had a really nice spring break.
I didn't sleep much at all during it and I did get sick as a result, but it was great.

I hung out with a bunch of friends and had a good time, and then on Thursday night I had a state officer meeting to do the last-minute planning for state JCL convention. After that was over, Jason came to the FCC and we hung out for a few hours there, just chatting. It was nice.

On Friday and Saturday, I was busy ALL day with state convention.
It was wonderful.
I think it was a success.
We did well with planning it, if I do say so myself.
I loved being an officer.
It was so much fun running around and coordinating everything.
I loved being the tech. coordinator in the back, running back and forth and doing things with computers and projectors and videos.
It was great.
I love my office.

I got really sad on Saturday, though.
My certamen team placed SECOND, which was great, but I got really depressed when Volk started to talk about how he appreciated all of the seniors who'd put so much time into JCL over the years and whatnot.
I almost lost it.
I almost started crying right then and there, but I was able to hold back...mostly because I was on stage and I didn't feel like crying in front of 100 people. =P
It was so sad, though...
JCL is basically my life. It really is.
I don't know what I'm going to do without it.
Of course I'll join the SCL and I'll go to Nationals and maybe come back for state next year if they want my help, but that's really all I'll be able to do, and it's so sad...
SCL just doesn't quite cut it for me. =(

Overall I had a fantastic break.
It was just...wonderful.
The only problem was that it went by FAR too quickly!...and I got sick, I guess.

Lately I've been kind of obsessed with Bill Gates and Microsoft.
On Sunday I tore apart a bunch of computers and played around with all of our old ones (some were from the early '90s!! we have a monitor from 1992!).
I used so many different operating systems on Sunday...
Windows 3.11, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows XP, Windows Vista, and Ubuntu Linux...
It was fun!
I love it. =]
I can't wait to learn more.
Computers are so fascinating.
I love technology.
Overall I think of myself as kind of old-fashioned and conservative, but I am NOT old-fashioned at ALL when it comes to technology.
I am like an old man....except I can't live without technology.
I'm so excited to major in computer science!
It's going to be great.
I'm so happy that I finally have my major figured out.
It'd been stressing me out for a while when I was so unsure.
I don't know when it hit me that computer science is it, but it was great.
It made so much sense.
I've been using computers literally my whole life.
I've had my own computer since I turned eight years old.
I have two computers of my own right now, and that doesn't include my parents' at all.
I've always been good with computers, and now I'm getting even better with the hardware aspect of them. I've always been decent with software, but now I'm getting into the complex stuff.
I've been reading books on programming languages and whatnot a lot lately.
I've done a lot with computers in recent times.
I installed Ubuntu Linux alongside Windows XP on my desktop computer.
It was fun doing a dual boot like that!
I have two operating systems on there now, and I think I'll install even more.
Ahhh... =]

I feel okay right now.
I kind of had a ridiculous, major breakdown like...an HOUR before I left for state convention on Friday. It was terrible...really terrible.
My mom wants me to see a therapist of some sort.
She's really adament about that.
She knows that I'm depressed and that I'm tired of everything and that I've been doing some self-destructive things (again).
It just really hit her on Friday, I guess.
She almost started crying right along with me.
It was really... emotional and weird. It made me feel really uncomfortable.
I don't know about seeing a therapist...
It'd be okay, but I'm scared to open up.
I don't want to look like a freak.
There's a lot more to me than I talk about on here (or anywhere, for that matter).

Anyway, I should get to bed.
I just felt like updating on a few things even though no one reads this, but that's okay. I'm doing it for my own sake. =]

I'm planning on sandbagging tomorrow!
Woot!

I'm At School Right Now

There is so much that I'd like to say and need to say, but I can't bring myself to say it.

I love my friends and I trust them, but I can't seem to open up to them... and that's been a common criticism of my being for years from various people.

I'm always afraid that if I let people in, they'll either get sick of me or they'll not know what to do or say and they'll run away, even if they ARE good friends/people.

It is hard not being able to express what I'm feeling or thinking, though.

It's not like I enjoy being a closed person. It's actually kind of painful sometimes. I have so much bottled up inside of myself all of the time.

As I've said, I do love my friends and I trust them and they're easy to chat with, but I'm still afraid to completely let them in.

I've let Liz Reynolds in the most, I think. She probably knows the most about me right now. I trust her and in this case, I do KNOW that she wouldn't run away or get freaked/weirded out or anything. I know that for a fact, but yet...I STILL can't completely say everything.

I don't necessarily want to tell everything to everyone, but it'd be nice to not have so many secrets.

I've been struggling with some things a lot over the years.

Some of these things are things that I'd quit or thought were behind me, but they're not.

I'm afraid that they'll never be fully behind me.

I spent way too much time thinking yesterday, and it wasn't for the better.

In some ways, I'm not really doing very well right now.

Snow Day!

Well, I honestly didn't care all that much about the potential snow day.
I would've been fine either way.
I WILL enjoy this snow day. =]

I had a good weekend.

On Friday I accidentally fell asleep, so I missed pep band and hanging out with Jared and Laura. XD Oh well.

On Saturday I hung out with Jason and Laura for a bit while we waited for Jared and Aurora to get back from a speech tournament. Then we went to Jason's and watched DEATH NOTE. I love that show. I hate to admit it since it's ANIME, but it's so good. I can't help it. =P

On Sunday I did Ovid with Laura and Jared and Josh Boe was there too. After that, we went to Watchmen, which was AWESOME! It may have been three hours long, but it was seriously sweet. I want to go again.

Today was fine. School was a bit long, I guess, but it was okay. I actually got all of my homework done, so I felt good. After school, Liz and I braved the snowy/icy roads for an hour or two. :]

I'm still trying to decide what I want to do about prom... A lot of people have been bugging me about it lately, trying to convince me to go since I'm a senior and it's my last chance and blah blah blah... but honestly, I'm not interested in going. I don't like to dance and I don't like to dress up. None of my immediate friends are all that interested in going, and there's no way I'd go without them...and I don't think I'll ask anyone and I DOUBT anyone will ask me, so going with a date is ruled out too.

I'm not all that worried, honestly... I just wish that people would quit bugging me about it! I'll figure it out eventually.

High school is almost overrrrrr....kind of. :]
I can feel it ending, and it's so nice.
I'm so ready! AHH.
I'll miss a few things, but I'm so excited to move on.

Right now I'd have to say that I'm in a fairly good place, but I still feel kind of...depressed and nihilistic. I've been in a slump for months now. I can't seem to get out of this rut...

I feel like all of my entries have been the same lately. Oh well. x]

Hmmmmmm

We've been doing a little state planning lately.
I'm kind of excited.
I hope it turns out well.

This weekend was alright.
On Friday night I hung out with just Laura and Andrew.
That was interesting. :)

On Sunday I had lunch and went to the mall with Zena and Hannah.
We hadn't hung out in forever.
It was nice...really nice, actually.
She gave me a really cute, sweet apology for the situation that happened like two years ago.
I apologized for blowing up at her two years ago.
It was nice.
We're kind of getting to be normal around each other again.
I feel bad... She was really fucked over by her last relationship... Like seriously.
I love Zena.
She's happier now, so she's more like her old self again.
She's great. =)

After that, I did Ovid with Jared and Laura at the FCC.
It took so long...but it was nice!

Monday is "Hawaiian Shirt Day" among my friends and their friends, but I have a feeling that it's going to kind of fail.
Oh well.
I'll wear my shirt under my sweatshirt anyway just in case it doesn't completely fail.

Things have been okay lately.
I'm still really really tired of school, and I'm still trying to make decisions about college and whatnot.
I've also been a little depressed off and on, but whatever. Things are good. I love my friends, my grades are good, I've gotten into some colleges, and I'm doing well. :]

I wish I could get over my little crush on a certain someone, however...
It's weird, embarrassing, and really pointless! =P