Maybe I should actually use this thing?

I've been going back and rereading this blog, and it's just so weird to read what I wrote in the past. I'm sure when I go back to reread this entry in a year or two, it'll be just as weird. It's just kind of surreal to see how much your perspective changes. You can imagine that you've changed, but it's easier to comprehend it when you have some sort of visualization in front of you.

I'm really grumpy about school this year so far for some reason. I felt so unprepared for it to start, and I'm not really sure why, as it's not like I was overly busy this summer or anything. I need to get over it pretty quickly, though, and just accept it and move on so I can regain lost motivation.

This summer was good and bad. I had too much idle time, probably, but I had a few really noteworthy experiences that I'm happy about. For the most part, though, I did not do very much. I am okay with that, though. I probably won't have many more future opportunities to do that.

This weekend I went on a road trip throughout Minnesota, with the final destination being Duluth, with a few of my best friends, and it was a really wonderful weekend. It was nice to get away for the weekend and just not have anything real to worry about. Everything we saw on the way there was really funny and Duluth itself was really pretty and reminded me of San Francisco. I just felt really good all weekend and when we got back. I'm trying not to let the good feelings fade. That is one of my biggest problems: I can never seem to get good/positive feelings to last for very long. Like, if I'm happy because of an event/person/occurrence, I can't seem to get the happiness to last past the event's expiration.

I've been thinking about my friends a lot lately. I really, really like all of them a lot and hope that we can all still somehow remain friends for a long time. I just worry a lot, though, that they don't want this like I do, and that they won't mind drifting from me, and that they have so many other people in their lives that they couldn't/wouldn't even really miss me. Maybe I'm just overreacting/putting myself down/worrying about nothing like I usually do, but I still can't help but wonder...and worry. I guess I just don't like change.

I probably won't be able to graduate in 2013. Changing my major to something so different has left me with a lot of useless credits as well as a lack of credits in the new major, so I'm starting the whole sequence of psych credits two years late, so I am thinking that I will probably have to graduate in 2014...unless I want to take a lot of summer school and hope that it'll work out, and I don't think I really want to. I honestly don't care very much. I just feel a little dumb about it even though I have a very logical reason for taking five years instead of four. I guess we'll see. As tired as I am of school sometimes, it's also a bit comforting having it.

I really need this week to be over so I can get some sleep!

Oh hi

I always forget about this thing!

I guess I don't have much to say anyway, so it's fine.

School starts up again in just under a week. In some ways I'm ready and rarin' to go, but in other ways I want more time off.

I am about 95% sure that I will be dropping Computer Science as my major. It was my original major and sometime this year I added Psychology. I'm pretty sure that I will just be majoring in Psychology now. Perhaps my minor will be Computer Science or Biology or something along those lines, but I just don't know if I can do the CS major. I want to, but I'm starting to realize that I mostly fell in love with the idea of being a CS major as opposed to actually doing the work that it entails. You know, I really could do it. I could do it easily...but the catch is that I just don't work hard enough. I'm not motivated enough. Math and all of that does not come naturally for me, but if I put forth enough effort, I can definitely do it. As much as I put myself down, I know that I'm not stupid. I know that I'm capable of doing high-level math, logic, computer science, etc., but I'm just so...lazy and unmotivated and nihilistic. I have ambitions but not enough motivation to back them up.

I must say that it really makes me sad to drop CS. When I fill out the form to change my major officially, it'll feel really awful. I know that changing your major is really really ridiculously common. I know that there are a lot of people who change their major several times while they're in college. Nearly everyone at the very least questions their major. I know that this is a very common occurrence and that it's highly normal and all of that, but I still feel really shitty about it. I feel like I've invested a lot into CS already, and throwing all of that away feels bad. In the end, after a TON of reflection (and I mean a TON), I just have concluded that it probably is not for me.

Life is getting pretty real, and I have to say that I'm not quite ready for it.

HELLO, SCHOOL

Why am I so stressed already?! AHHHHHHH!

In Rome's proud steps we're marching on...

Well, I enjoyed Nationals this year!

It started off sort of...rockily (is that a word? omg), but it ended up being rather fun.

Of course I probably would've rather traveled to somewhere and had some fun before or after, but oh well. Hosting it was an interesting change of pace.

I think I want to go next year.

I'd actually like to go for as long as I can.

I'll probably stop going once my friends stop going, but hopefully that won't be for another few years. :]

SCL is infinitely less fun than JCL, but it's still Nationals.

I love the post-Nationals 'rush' I always feel.

I always walk away feeling really inspired and motivated.

It's kind of hard not to when you're around over 1,000 of probably some of the brightest people in the country.

Every other year in the past I've let the inspiration and motivation fizzle out rather quickly, but I hope to not do that this year.

I really miss Latin.

I need to take a Latin class soon...or, at the very least, I need to start studying it on my own again. I don't want to forget everything!

I may not be going into Latin or the Classics or even anything related, but it's not something I want to lose. I'd like to keep it forever.

In other news I turned 19 like a week ago.

I hate it and it feels weird and that's about all I have to say!

School starts up again in a few weeks.

On one hand I'm looking forward to it, but on the other hand I'm really not.

I'm really looking forward to cooler weather.

Summer weather makes me especially lazy and just kind of cranky.

I love fall and winter. I feel like I'm more productive in those seasons too.

I suppose that's all I have to say for now.

I hate warm weather.

I'm already wishing for fall, but then again I don't want this summer to go by too quickly either. I treasure the summers more and more every year that I get closer to real adulthood!

In like three weeks I'll be 19. It's creeping me out. I know that 19 isn't actually 'old' in the grand scheme of things, but it feels old to me. I guess I say something similar with each birthday...

All weekend I have to go to a family reunion/4th of July get together. I'm really not excited. We're leaving in like 7 hours, actually. I hate sitting around with family. I'm not trying to sound all typical angsty teen, but I just...really have nothing to say to anyone. On my mom's side there's really no one in my peer group. I refuse to hang around the babies, but I don't exactly have anything to say to the adults either. It's hard to come up with anything to say when everyone around you is at a completely different point in life...and I suck at making conversation. I anticipate a lot of sitting around on couches, smiling, and waiting for people to ask me about school and comment on how tall I've gotten since the last time they saw me. I guess that's not so bad.

The other night my mom decided to corner me and blow up at me. She lectured me and picked apart all of my flaws for like 2 hours. I still feel really shitty. I'd like to think that I'm pretty aware of most of my flaws, but still...hearing about how pathetic I am the whole night is not exactly my idea of a good time. Maybe I am pathetic. The more I think about it, the more I think it might be true.

I'm pretty excited for Nationals. It feels weird that this will be my fifth convention! I really do sort of miss JCL, though. I can't help but find SCL a little boring...

OMG I'm going to go to bed. I didn't sleep at all last night so I've been awake for ENTIRELY too long now!

Boy it sure is windy out.

I'm not really sure why I made that the title of this blog, but it's making me laugh.

About an hour or so ago I watched this movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112471/

I liked it a lot, surprisingly.

It made me feel really boring and shitty though.

Like...bah. I don't know. I want to do a bunch of interesting things and have a bunch of interesting experiences, and clearly that'll never happen if I continue to hide and keep to myself and stick to only what's familiar, but I still have the desire to do interesting things.

There are a lot of things I want to do, and there are a lot of things I want to change about myself...very badly, but I wonder what it'll take for me to finally change these things or get up and do these things.

I'm pretty sure that MOST people lead boring lives, and most of the people who aren't bored are just easily amused or have resigned themselves to their current lifestyle even if it isn't exactly what they wanted. Most people don't lead legitimately interesting lives.

It is much easier to watch movies, read books, play video games, etc. than it is to really put yourself out there.

While I enjoy doing those things enough, I can't help but want a little more sometimes.

Yeah yeah, I'm only 18, blah blah blah, I should calm down, plenty of time left, whatever. Don't wanna hear it.

I'm still sitting here whining and trying to figure what exactly it is that I want from life. It's mostly just driving me crazy not having a solid sense of direction. I'm just kind of doing some things...you know, going to school, hanging out a bit, etc., but I really am lacking goals right now...at least, I'm lacking specific goals. I have some very vague and broad goals (be successful, get good grades, get a degree, etc.), but I want to figure more things out. I really just feel anxious not knowing what I want.

I hope that anxieties and ridiculous thoughts such as all of these cease at some point. It'd be a real bummer if adulthood is riddled with such atrocious thoughts and worries!

I feel like I'm always complaining or always having some sort of crisis. I probably subconsciously create half of these worries just to keep myself entertained.

Uh I guess that's it. I'm really tired but also I have been in a realllllllly weird and shitty mood all weekend and just sort of felt like writing this.

Yeah so I'm still awake.

I've been listening to a LOT of jazz lately. I think it'd be so cool to be a jazz musician, like, for a living. You'd get to play in a bunch of moody bars, your main audience would be a bunch of stoners and/or pretentious intellectual types, and you'd just be up there on that stage having a blast. Jazz is really difficult, though, and I'm not exactly GROOVY, so it'll never happen. It's fun to think about though.

I have felt really angsty lately. I'm not talking about, like, 13-year-old Slipknot goth sort of angst. I just...I don't know. I've gotten really into nihilism, and I keep questioning the point of everything.

I'm also going through that phase of wondering why I'm even going to college at all because all it means is that I'm paying all of this money so I can become qualified to have a job, and you know, I don't even want a job, and then I'll get that job and spend a while trying to pay all of that loan money back, and what was it all for? A JOB!

I'm sure you know that spiel by now. It's angsty and ridiculous, sure, but I can't help but feel that way a bit.

Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I actually had a real passion or a talent or something. I don't know. Maybe I'd feel like spending all of this time and money would be worth it.

I don't think I'll ever find a job that will satisfy me. I'm just settling for whatever seems convenient or 'right' or most promising.

I've also been reconsidering my politics a bit lately. Well, actually, I mostly just don't know what I think. I used to be pretty right-wing on nearly every issue except for a couple of social issues, but now I'm finding myself being fairly liberal on social issues. I'd like to think that I lean to the right on economic issues, but I'm also realizing that I don't really know as much about economics as I'd like to think that I do, so maybe I should just relax. Maybe I'm a Libertarian. I don't know. There's a bad stigma associated with Libertarianism, and I suppose I can kind of understand it, but at the same time I think I like it. I guess I'll just have to do more reading.

I ought to get a job. I feel like I've done next to nothing all summer long, and it just hit me the other day that the semester ended for me a MONTH AGO!! Christ, what have I been doing?! I did start doing ChaCha guiding, but that's basically nothing. What do I do all day? I don't know. I like bumming around, though...probably too much!

I've been pretty much obsessing over adulthood recently. I can't stop thinking about real adulthood...you know, moving out, having a real job, etc. Hardly any of it sounds appealing, and to be honest I completely lack a strong desire to move out. My parents are actually really great. We get along really well and they pretty much have been letting me do what I want (well, within reason of course!) since I was like 15 or 16. As much as I feel sort of 'trapped' at times, I also feel comfortable with it. I don't like change very much.

I do wonder if I'll ever actually make it out to Philly, or if I will just stay in Fargo for the rest of my life. I absolutely love Philadelphia and at any given time if you were to ask me if I'd rather be in Philly at the moment, I'd pretty much always say yes. I'm just in love with that city for a vast number of reasons. It's just perfect to me. However, it's INCREDIBLY different from Fargo, and even if I don't like Fargo at times, I'm used to it and there are plenty of things to like about it. I sort of like the typical Midwest mindset. Every area has its pros and cons, though, I suppose. I know what to expect from Philly, at least, so if I ever do make it out there, I probably won't be disappointed. I'm afraid of missing Fargo, though. I wish I could just go away and never look back, but I don't think I'll ever be able to do that.

I need to stop staying up so ridiculously late. Man I always do this in the summer. It's ridiculous. I don't know how I'm able to occupy my time for so long. It's silly. I also hate sleeping while it's light out. It just feels gross somehow. I also hate waking up late (even if it's justified for going to bed really late). It just feels pathetic and I hate dealing with my parents making fun of me.

Good lord I've written a lot. I guess that's all I have for now. I think I might start blogging again a bit more. :]