Boy it sure is windy out.

I'm not really sure why I made that the title of this blog, but it's making me laugh.

About an hour or so ago I watched this movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112471/

I liked it a lot, surprisingly.

It made me feel really boring and shitty though.

Like...bah. I don't know. I want to do a bunch of interesting things and have a bunch of interesting experiences, and clearly that'll never happen if I continue to hide and keep to myself and stick to only what's familiar, but I still have the desire to do interesting things.

There are a lot of things I want to do, and there are a lot of things I want to change about myself...very badly, but I wonder what it'll take for me to finally change these things or get up and do these things.

I'm pretty sure that MOST people lead boring lives, and most of the people who aren't bored are just easily amused or have resigned themselves to their current lifestyle even if it isn't exactly what they wanted. Most people don't lead legitimately interesting lives.

It is much easier to watch movies, read books, play video games, etc. than it is to really put yourself out there.

While I enjoy doing those things enough, I can't help but want a little more sometimes.

Yeah yeah, I'm only 18, blah blah blah, I should calm down, plenty of time left, whatever. Don't wanna hear it.

I'm still sitting here whining and trying to figure what exactly it is that I want from life. It's mostly just driving me crazy not having a solid sense of direction. I'm just kind of doing some things...you know, going to school, hanging out a bit, etc., but I really am lacking goals right now...at least, I'm lacking specific goals. I have some very vague and broad goals (be successful, get good grades, get a degree, etc.), but I want to figure more things out. I really just feel anxious not knowing what I want.

I hope that anxieties and ridiculous thoughts such as all of these cease at some point. It'd be a real bummer if adulthood is riddled with such atrocious thoughts and worries!

I feel like I'm always complaining or always having some sort of crisis. I probably subconsciously create half of these worries just to keep myself entertained.

Uh I guess that's it. I'm really tired but also I have been in a realllllllly weird and shitty mood all weekend and just sort of felt like writing this.

Yeah so I'm still awake.

I've been listening to a LOT of jazz lately. I think it'd be so cool to be a jazz musician, like, for a living. You'd get to play in a bunch of moody bars, your main audience would be a bunch of stoners and/or pretentious intellectual types, and you'd just be up there on that stage having a blast. Jazz is really difficult, though, and I'm not exactly GROOVY, so it'll never happen. It's fun to think about though.

I have felt really angsty lately. I'm not talking about, like, 13-year-old Slipknot goth sort of angst. I just...I don't know. I've gotten really into nihilism, and I keep questioning the point of everything.

I'm also going through that phase of wondering why I'm even going to college at all because all it means is that I'm paying all of this money so I can become qualified to have a job, and you know, I don't even want a job, and then I'll get that job and spend a while trying to pay all of that loan money back, and what was it all for? A JOB!

I'm sure you know that spiel by now. It's angsty and ridiculous, sure, but I can't help but feel that way a bit.

Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I actually had a real passion or a talent or something. I don't know. Maybe I'd feel like spending all of this time and money would be worth it.

I don't think I'll ever find a job that will satisfy me. I'm just settling for whatever seems convenient or 'right' or most promising.

I've also been reconsidering my politics a bit lately. Well, actually, I mostly just don't know what I think. I used to be pretty right-wing on nearly every issue except for a couple of social issues, but now I'm finding myself being fairly liberal on social issues. I'd like to think that I lean to the right on economic issues, but I'm also realizing that I don't really know as much about economics as I'd like to think that I do, so maybe I should just relax. Maybe I'm a Libertarian. I don't know. There's a bad stigma associated with Libertarianism, and I suppose I can kind of understand it, but at the same time I think I like it. I guess I'll just have to do more reading.

I ought to get a job. I feel like I've done next to nothing all summer long, and it just hit me the other day that the semester ended for me a MONTH AGO!! Christ, what have I been doing?! I did start doing ChaCha guiding, but that's basically nothing. What do I do all day? I don't know. I like bumming around, though...probably too much!

I've been pretty much obsessing over adulthood recently. I can't stop thinking about real adulthood...you know, moving out, having a real job, etc. Hardly any of it sounds appealing, and to be honest I completely lack a strong desire to move out. My parents are actually really great. We get along really well and they pretty much have been letting me do what I want (well, within reason of course!) since I was like 15 or 16. As much as I feel sort of 'trapped' at times, I also feel comfortable with it. I don't like change very much.

I do wonder if I'll ever actually make it out to Philly, or if I will just stay in Fargo for the rest of my life. I absolutely love Philadelphia and at any given time if you were to ask me if I'd rather be in Philly at the moment, I'd pretty much always say yes. I'm just in love with that city for a vast number of reasons. It's just perfect to me. However, it's INCREDIBLY different from Fargo, and even if I don't like Fargo at times, I'm used to it and there are plenty of things to like about it. I sort of like the typical Midwest mindset. Every area has its pros and cons, though, I suppose. I know what to expect from Philly, at least, so if I ever do make it out there, I probably won't be disappointed. I'm afraid of missing Fargo, though. I wish I could just go away and never look back, but I don't think I'll ever be able to do that.

I need to stop staying up so ridiculously late. Man I always do this in the summer. It's ridiculous. I don't know how I'm able to occupy my time for so long. It's silly. I also hate sleeping while it's light out. It just feels gross somehow. I also hate waking up late (even if it's justified for going to bed really late). It just feels pathetic and I hate dealing with my parents making fun of me.

Good lord I've written a lot. I guess that's all I have for now. I think I might start blogging again a bit more. :]