Well, I've officially completed one year of college. It was neither a success nor a failure, really. I felt challenged in some aspects, but I also feel pretty much the same.
Overall it was okay. My grades were okay. My classes were fine. I really loved band. Everything else was average. I feel relieved that the year is over, but on the other hand I don't want to be a sophomore. I already felt ancient being a freshman in college. I can't even imagine how old I'll feel when my sophomore year starts!
College is like...weird. I don't think I like it, to be honest.
I have decided... I am not into the big 'American' college experience. I have tried to be and I have tried to convince myself that I'd like it if only I'd try harder, but it just does not appeal to me.
I have no desire to ever live in the dorms, I don't wish to go to house parties, I don't really want to meet new people, I don't want to join clubs to socialize, etc.
As boring as it sounds (and is, honestly), I am just there to get a degree or two. That's about it. I wish I were more motivated, though. I mean, I say that I am there for academic purposes only, but I am so lazy.
I'm just incredibly introverted. I don't need to have many people in my life to feel fulfilled, and I don't need a lot of contact with those people to feel fulfilled. To be honest, most social interaction just exhausts me. It's just how I am, and I guess that explains why I'm not into the big college thing.
It's probably for the best that I decided to go to NDSU. It really feels like settling, but whatever. I'd probably be a lot more stressed if I'd gone to Drexel because I would've felt more obligated to make friends. At least by staying here I haven't had to go out of my way to talk to people. You could argue that I'm "holding myself back" or something, but honestly I'm doing what I want. I guess it's hard for some people to fathom the idea of being alone or at least quiet/off on your own and liking it, but that's just how I am.. I'm not making excuses. This is just how I am. I'm okay with it.
I always knew that I was introverted and shy, but it has become more and more apparent over the past year. I also have realized that I am really bitter and cynical, but I don't know if I've become more bitter/cynical, or if I've only just realized the extent of it. I don't care for most people, to be honest. I don't feel like going through all of the people in the world in order to find the few that I'd possibly like. I hope I'm not coming off as, like, snooty or arrogant or anything, because I really am not. I don't think that I'm better than anyone else...I just don't really like being around most people. I like my current friends a lot, certainly. I wonder what I'll do after they've all moved on from me.
I hate to say it, but I do still crave a little validation from time to time. I may dislike people and I may not need a lot of contact with people to feel fulfilled, but I still need to be validated a lot. I suppose that has something to do with the whole self-loathing thing.
Um I guess that's all of the self-analysis that I'll subject you to for now. I don't know why I'm still rambling. This isn't interesting.
