I am a passion-less person.

I've realized that I basically lack passion. I don't have a passion for anything...except for maybe sitting around and doing nothing.

There's really nothing that I just love to do. I like to read books, but I don't like to write them. I like to listen to music, but I am not talented/skilled enough to make my own. I like to play video games, but I wouldn't want to design them. I like to watch movies, but I wouldn't want to be involved in making them.

It's kind of frustrating. I like a lot of things, but I don't really like doing a lot of things. I also am not really particularly good at anything. I'm not fishing for compliments or anything...I'm just not overly talented or skilled at anything. I have participated in a lot of things, but I'm pretty mediocre at all of them.

I also really lack passion. I'm not passionate about anything. I thought that I had a passion for computers, but I don't really... I mean, I do...but I mostly just like using them and reading about them. I don't know if I actually like programming them or taking them apart. I do but I don't.

Computer Science has been throwing me for a loop lately. It's been making me very unsure recently. I think I like it... but I don't know. It's pretty hard, and I don't know if I honestly can make myself work hard enough to be successful at it. Sometimes I think about giving up on CS and just majoring in English or something that I know I can handle without a lot of effort.

I hate that I've become so lazy and so...unchallenged. I used to be so studious. I used to be such an overachiever. I used to thrive off of challenges, and now I avoid them at all costs. I hate it.

As a kid I always thought that I'd grow up to be really brilliant and successful. I always thought that I'd go to some impressive college, major in some sort of hard science, and have a good job, and just be really successful. I'm a little disappointed in myself in some ways, but I don't know. I guess people change, whether they want to or not.

I've decided to give it another semester and then I'll think about it over the summer. I really hope that I'll be able to get motivated enough to be successful in Computer Science, because I really do like it and think that it's a good field to be in. I'm actually kind of in love with the idea of being a computer programmer...being someone smart, doing something hard and respectable, etc. It's an impressive profession and I'd kind of like to be an impressive person, but I really just need to get my shit together and get motivated. We'll see.

In other news, I'm pretty much enjoying my second semester so far. I'm taking another programming class, intro to sociology (thrilling), a required wellness class (it's an online class), the Impact of Technology on Society, and BAND!!!!

I'm soooooo happy to be in band again. In high school band - especially senior year - I kind of realized that I'd probably be one of the few to continue band in college. A lot of people were in band in high school for the easy A, because their parents wanted them to, because they liked their friends, etc. There was a handful of people who were really into it though, and I guess I was one of them. There's just something about band that I really love. I know I was talking about being passion-less earlier and it probably sounds like I have a passion for music, but I don't really... I just kind of have a passion for band, haha, but I'm nowhere near talented enough to be a professional musician. I just really like playing in a group. I have it every MWF and it's my last class of the day and it's just such a good stress reliever. I'm not going to get all cheesy on you and say that I express myself through music or whatever, but it's just a good way to relieve stress. I sort of forget about what's stressing me out while I'm in band because I'm just having such a genuinely good time playing with people. I like everything about band this year. The people are cool and pretty skilled, the conductors are great, the music is fun and challenging, etc. I love it and I feel soooo much better having a music class in my day again.

I will close this in saying that I am thrilled about having a snow day!

2010.

Wellllll it's 2010! I'm currently on Christmas break, and I can now say that I've completed one semester of college.

All in all...it was a weird semester. It was close to a failure, I guess. I don't know. I don't really know what I want from college (not including the degree because of course I want that). I don't really know what I want out of the college experience is a better way of putting it. Bleh. I'll have to experiment and see what I like best. I just don't know what I want!

2009 was okay. I don't know. I don't really feel like doing a big recap or anything. It certainly had its ups and downs and all of that. I got to do some cool things this year, and it was rather eventful. I had a lot of fun. I did a lot of thinking (probably too much). I did a lot of procrastinating. I did a lot of nothing (at times).

I'm not making any resolutions for 2010 because I'm tired of making resolutions. If I want to do something, I'll do it...or not. I'm just tired of empty resolutions with no follow-through.

Blahhhhh I don't even feel like writing this blog anymore. I just wanted to write a little something. It's been months! I miss when everyone was into blogging! I liked reading people's blogs.